Ep. 39- Magda's Story

Show hosts Becky and Tiffany sit down with Magda to hear her story. Magda lives in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. She loves words, creating things, and volunteering in her community.  She shares her thoughts and hope through her betrayal trauma account on Instagram- Girlfriend Restored.

Magda shares how her relationship with God when she was growing up was very basic. She knew of God, but it was in a distant and impersonal way.

Before she and her boyfriend began dating, he told her, “I have a porn issue.” However, Magda explains that, at the time, the depth and meaning of that sentence was lost on her, as she was numbing all of her feelings through her eating disorder. 

After four years of staggered disclosures and a long process of her own denial, Magda shares how she began wanting to see and understand the truth. She realized just how much her partner’s pornography use, lying, and angry explosions were affecting their relationship.

“The dark parts were very hard and isolating. I felt crazy,” Magda says.

During this time, she didn’t even consider God because she didn’t know how to go through really tough times with Him. Her head knew to go to God, but she didn’t. Her relationship with God was still very surface level.

Magda shares how this led her to question everything, which turned out to be a good thing because it led her to a more personal relationship with God. It was during this time that His word had the power to comfort her.

Magda explains that: “This gave me an opportunity to face what was happening and to not live on the surface anymore.”

Through this long process of healing, Magda has discovered that her instinct to control was not serving her. In addition, she had felt very hesitant to spend money on her healing, she has since learned that it is worth it to spend money on things that will help her heal.

Her advice to other women on this journey of healing through betrayal trauma is simple: Keep doing the little things that have been helping so far. For Magda, that has been sticking to a bedtime, checking in with herself, and reaching out to people she trusts.

When asked: “How are you finding restoration through Christ in this journey?” Magda says:

“Everything that He has placed along the way in my path, the people and resources, have helped me feel like maybe there is hope. [This hope has] given me the ability to do things I couldn’t do before.”

Magda’s Recovery Resources:

Bloom for Women: An online platform for women who are betrayed with classes, drop-in groups, book studies, weekly meditation groups, coach-led groups, and more.

FightForLoveMinistries.org

Partner Hope: A blog run by Michelle Mays

Magda’s Betrayal Trauma Instagram Account: “Girlfriend Restored” @girlfriendrestored

Magda’s song:

Daj mi usłyszeć Twój głos - Mocni w Duchu - YouTube (“Let Me Hear Your Voice”)

Ep. 38- Boundary Basics

Podcast hosts, Becky and Tiffany, sit down with Beckie Hennessy, LCSW, to talk about the basics of boundaries. Beckie has been a therapist since 2007 and specializes in betrayal trauma, as well as all types of trauma. She’s been married for 17 ½ years and has three children.

When asked, “What are boundaries?” Beckie H. borrows from Brene Brown’s definition from her book Rising Strong:

Boundaries are simply what’s okay and what’s not okay for me.

Conversely, when asked, “What aren’t boundaries?” Beckie H. shares that boundaries are not telling someone else what they can or can’t do. Boundaries are not control or punishment or a way to get someone to feel the way you feel or to hurt someone or to get back at someone.

Boundaries are letting someone else know what you’re going to do or not do.

Becky R. shares that saying “You have to sleep on the couch” is not a boundary, it’s a rule. Beckie offers a helpful look at a possible narrative to use if one doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as the addict: “I’m more than happy to sleep alongside you as long as I feel safe. I don’t feel safe tonight, so I’m not going to sleep with you tonight. Can we agree that you sleep on the couch? Or that one of us sleeps on the couch?” If he says no, Beckie continues, then you need to be okay to sleep on the couch.

As the hosts remind, boundaries are about intention. If your intention is to control or have revenge, that’s not a true boundary.

When what they’re doing negatively affects you or creates a lack of safety, boundary setting is you figuring out how you’re going to respond to that.

Beckie H. points out that “We need boundaries to establish safety (emotional, social, physical, etc.). This isn’t to make them safe people, it’s to help you be safe. It’s a way to build and rebuild connection and trust. When your boundary is respected, it’s like pouring Miracle Gro on connection and trust.”

Becky R. shared a quote that really struck her as she learned about boundaries that helped her understand that boundaries were not about trying to hurt someone or leave a relationship. Elizabeth Earnshaw says : 

“When people set boundaries with you it’s an attempt to continue the relationship with you. It’s not an attempt to hurt you.”

Boundaries can sometimes feel mean, but as the hosts remind us, they’re not. If our intention is to show up in compassion, we’re not being mean.

Beckie H. continues with the differences between feeling discomfort and feeling uncomfortable. “Uncomfortable means I don’t feel safe. Discomfort is: that doesn’t sound fun or that takes me out of my comfort zone, but I’m okay and I’m safe. Discomfort is part of stretching, growing, and healing.”

Beckie H. reminds us that Brene Brown has found that the one variable that the most compassionate people in the world have in common is boundaries. Beckie H. studied The Gospels and extracted every example of Christ setting a boundary. She shares that, “Every single living being, creature, organism sets boundaries. Roses have thorns, that’s a boundary.” 

Beckie H. explains that there are two kinds of boundaries: internal (personal, I do these things…it just has to do with me) and external or relational (involves someone else).

As with anything else, Beckie H. asserts that determining our own values is crucial. “Sometimes we think we know what we value,” she says. “And then betrayal happens and our house burns down and we don’t know which way is up, and then when we do know what way is up, we recognize that actually our values are different.”

A good indication of when a boundary needs to be set is when we feel resentful or a deep, painful hurt. Also, the hosts remind us that boundaries can change and evolve over time, but there are some that are non-negotiable.

Beckie H.’s mantra is: “I don’t set boundaries for them. I set boundaries for me.”

Beckie H’s song choice: 

“Before You Go—the Jesus Version” John Michael Howell

Beckie H. shares that this song showed up on her music suggestions when she was seeking for the Lord to show up for her and let her know how her Heavenly Family was feeling about her.

Specific Recovery Resources:

Learning your core values

Checking your intention when setting boundaries

Boundaries  By Cloud and Townsend

Dare to Lead by Brene Brown

Rising Strong by Brene Brown