Ep. 38- Boundary Basics
/Podcast hosts, Becky and Tiffany, sit down with Beckie Hennessy, LCSW, to talk about the basics of boundaries. Beckie has been a therapist since 2007 and specializes in betrayal trauma, as well as all types of trauma. She’s been married for 17 ½ years and has three children.
When asked, “What are boundaries?” Beckie H. borrows from Brene Brown’s definition from her book Rising Strong:
Boundaries are simply what’s okay and what’s not okay for me.
Conversely, when asked, “What aren’t boundaries?” Beckie H. shares that boundaries are not telling someone else what they can or can’t do. Boundaries are not control or punishment or a way to get someone to feel the way you feel or to hurt someone or to get back at someone.
Boundaries are letting someone else know what you’re going to do or not do.
Becky R. shares that saying “You have to sleep on the couch” is not a boundary, it’s a rule. Beckie offers a helpful look at a possible narrative to use if one doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as the addict: “I’m more than happy to sleep alongside you as long as I feel safe. I don’t feel safe tonight, so I’m not going to sleep with you tonight. Can we agree that you sleep on the couch? Or that one of us sleeps on the couch?” If he says no, Beckie continues, then you need to be okay to sleep on the couch.
As the hosts remind, boundaries are about intention. If your intention is to control or have revenge, that’s not a true boundary.
When what they’re doing negatively affects you or creates a lack of safety, boundary setting is you figuring out how you’re going to respond to that.
Beckie H. points out that “We need boundaries to establish safety (emotional, social, physical, etc.). This isn’t to make them safe people, it’s to help you be safe. It’s a way to build and rebuild connection and trust. When your boundary is respected, it’s like pouring Miracle Gro on connection and trust.”
Becky R. shared a quote that really struck her as she learned about boundaries that helped her understand that boundaries were not about trying to hurt someone or leave a relationship. Elizabeth Earnshaw says :
“When people set boundaries with you it’s an attempt to continue the relationship with you. It’s not an attempt to hurt you.”
Boundaries can sometimes feel mean, but as the hosts remind us, they’re not. If our intention is to show up in compassion, we’re not being mean.
Beckie H. continues with the differences between feeling discomfort and feeling uncomfortable. “Uncomfortable means I don’t feel safe. Discomfort is: that doesn’t sound fun or that takes me out of my comfort zone, but I’m okay and I’m safe. Discomfort is part of stretching, growing, and healing.”
Beckie H. reminds us that Brene Brown has found that the one variable that the most compassionate people in the world have in common is boundaries. Beckie H. studied The Gospels and extracted every example of Christ setting a boundary. She shares that, “Every single living being, creature, organism sets boundaries. Roses have thorns, that’s a boundary.”
Beckie H. explains that there are two kinds of boundaries: internal (personal, I do these things…it just has to do with me) and external or relational (involves someone else).
As with anything else, Beckie H. asserts that determining our own values is crucial. “Sometimes we think we know what we value,” she says. “And then betrayal happens and our house burns down and we don’t know which way is up, and then when we do know what way is up, we recognize that actually our values are different.”
A good indication of when a boundary needs to be set is when we feel resentful or a deep, painful hurt. Also, the hosts remind us that boundaries can change and evolve over time, but there are some that are non-negotiable.
Beckie H.’s mantra is: “I don’t set boundaries for them. I set boundaries for me.”
Beckie H’s song choice:
“Before You Go—the Jesus Version” John Michael Howell
Beckie H. shares that this song showed up on her music suggestions when she was seeking for the Lord to show up for her and let her know how her Heavenly Family was feeling about her.
Specific Recovery Resources:
Learning your core values
Checking your intention when setting boundaries
Boundaries By Cloud and Townsend
Dare to Lead by Brene Brown
Rising Strong by Brene Brown