Ep. 3- Tiffany's Story
/Becky sits down with Tiffany, one of the show’s cohosts, to hear her story. Tiffany is a mother, “first and foremost”. She has five kids and says they are the best ones in the whole wide world. She is a full time hospice nurse and right now she is a “fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, make-it-work kind of person”. She was married for 17 years to a sex addict. She has been divorced for 2 years and wants to share the light and restoration she has received on her journey.
Tiffany had a strong relationship with God growing up. She always knew He was there and that He loved her. She always wanted to do her best and never wanted to get in trouble. Even then, she always knew He was there for her. After she married, approaching her 2nd anniversary, she felt like things were off with her husband. She didn’t know why but she felt like things weren’t progressing like they could. Her husband confessed he had been into pornography. Tiffany says it blew her mind because it was completely unexpected. Growing up, she knew pornography existed but it was a “naughty” word in her home.
He confessed and everything just kind of stopped.
Tiffany shares she thinks she went into shock, that her mind didn’t know what to do with the information. She assumed that it just happened and he confessed, she would forgive him, and then they would move forward. She shares that she had no understanding of what this all meant or what to do about it. But it was “definitely shameful” and she decided she would not be talking to anyone about it. And she didn’t. She didn’t tell anyone. It was 10 years before she talked to anyone about it.
Tiffany shares that her husband’s acting out continued happening and sometimes there was confession and honesty and other times lies and hiding. It started piling up inside Tiffany and became a nightmare for her. Life was unstable and unsafe. Tiffany says the way she reacted to this lack of safety was to go to a place of hiding and controlling what she could. She worked to make her home safe and happy and make it so anything her husband didn’t want to do, he didn’t have to do because it might upset him and “make him do something bad”. Tiffany shares that she was the “BEST wife” she could be and they had the cleanest house and she took care of all the chores.
But it kept happening.
Tiffany talks about how even though she was doing all that she could to stop her husband’s acting out, it kept happening. The home and family only looked happy from the outside. Tiffany shares that she was home freaking out which looked like being irritable with her children, withdrawing from friends and family, and isolating. She just felt like it wasn’t safe to share with anyone. Some of the hardest parts of this time were the obsessive thoughts about keeping her marriage and family safe. Tiffany shares that she constantly swept the computer looking for something she may have missed, what he may have looked at, what he didn’t tell her about. She talks about seeing a car on the street that looked like her husband’s car and stopping to check the license plate to see if it was his because he should be at work.
This hardest time also included hours and hours of crying. People say it’s good to cry but Tiffany would think to herself, “You don’t know. When someone has cried 100 hours in a week, is that enough? Because it feels like enough to me”. But she couldn’t stop crying. The pain was exquisite. And repeatedly so. It was a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. Tiffany shares that this pain affected every aspect of her being. And there was nothing to compare it to. In this darkest time, Tiffany says her relationship with the Lord shifted to begging and pleading and bargaining. She would tell the Lord she couldn’t do it anymore and, again and again, a weight was lifted off her shoulder. She says she realized that God was still there and she wasn’t supposed to carry this alone. The weight wasn’t completely lifted but she learned that He had been there through all of it.
There is no way I could have stood through all those years without the Lord.
Through all of this, Tiffany talks about being very committed to her marriage and divorce was never in her future. She never contemplated divorce. She shares that she was IN IT. Finally, after 10 years, there was family event that her husband was not going to be able to participate in and both sides of the family found out about her husband’s addiction. It was like a weight had again been lifted from her shoulders. This was her first step in learning how important it is to have support people.
Tiffany and her husband had tried therapy once before but he did not like it. She felt like it was their only hope but it didn’t continue. Later, Tiffany decided it was time. She said to her husband, “I am going to therapy! Come or don’t. I need help”. He went with her. That started many years of therapy. Tiffany shares that she did everything she could think of. She didn’t want to leave any stone unturned. She attended group therapy, marriage therapy, individual therapy, and more. Tiffany shares that the Lord’s Light came and went for her during this time. Her husband never found much recovery or sobriety while they were married. Eventually she learned of a long-term affair her husband had been having. Tiffany shares that she took her time to process that. In the space of reflecting on her boundaries and safety,
The Lord told her that had learned everything she need to learn and the light just flooded in.
And it came to Tiffany that she was done. And then came the decision to divorce. Tiffany shares that this was a very sacred process for her. She knew she was on the right track because she didn’t make the decision based on resentment or anger or despair. She talks about how the whole divorce journey was a miracle for her, being guided every single day in a clear way that it was the right thing. Tiffany had been fully invested in her marriage and fought for it for many years. Divorce was not really there until the Spirit let her know.
God was there and I knew it was the right path for me.
Tiffany says that the light had come and gone but it never stayed and grew until she was willing to take these steps for her healing and toward God. She says the peace she found is reflected in her children and in her ex-husband. They are both in a better place than they have ever been.
Tiffany talks about really learning that Christ is the Healer. Not her. She learned that letting go was vital. Letting go of her husband’s recovery and letting go of her control were so powerful for her. She reminds us to trust our intuition in this process. Tiffany shares that looking back she knew what was going on and now has learned to trust herself. And most of all, Tiffany shares that she learned that she needed God just as much as her husband.
The only thing that can counteract the exquisite pain is the exquisite beauty of the atonement.
As her divorce was finalized, Tiffany shares that felt she needed to mourn. Losing her marriage was like a death for her. She knew she didn’t want to have a party, even though there were very hard and painful things she was not going to have in her life anymore. Tiffany shares that she decided to peacefully take steps to walk through her marriage, the good and bad. She came up with a way to help her through the mourning process and recognize the pain and loss of her marriage. This was very powerful and helped her find peace and the beginnings of stepping forward after her divorce. Tiffany wanted to share this tool with others and created a kit called “My Marriage Memorial” on Etsy to help others move through the mourning process of losing their marriages.
Tiffany shares that she has found restoration through Christ through practicing trust. One foot in front of the other. She knows He is going to be there to catch her every step of the way. Tiffany talks about how it is ok to be angry and hurt. Some of her best answered prayers where when she yelled at the Lord. She knows He can handle it. She talks about staying with the Lord and giving it time and the Lord’s restoration will come.
Find someone you can share your story with because to be known, that’s why we are here.
Tiffany’s Recovery Resources:
Qualified therapy
Healing Through Christ 12-Step Group
Self-care
Massages
Yoga- release that trauma
My Marriage Memorial- Etsy
Tiffany’s Music:
Eye of the Storm- Ryan Stevenson
Just like Fire- P!nk
Fight Song- Rachel Platten
Overwhelmed- Big Daddy Weave
“Fly”- Maddie and Tae
