Ep. 1- Introduction and Becky's Story
/Welcome to the first show. First, please know you are NOT ALONE in this journey. There are many betrayed spouses, ex-spouses, parents, siblings, and friends of sex addicts but most of the time you wouldn’t know it by just looking around. It’s not really something we talk about in polite company. As the wife of a sex addict, I spent many years isolated and without hope. I have learned that there is a lot I can do to find healing and restoration in my life. I wanted to share my journey and the journey of as many others as I could so that you could find hope and peace in your healing journey. One of the biggest keys to my restoration was finding a deeper relationship with Christ.
So, why RISE UP RESTORED for the podcast?
Andra Day’s song “Rise Up” is a reminder to each of us that we are not alone and a reminder that we can Rise Up and move mountains in our lives. Living with and loving someone with a sex addiction (whether past or present) can be very painful and can sometimes lead to dark places. Satan knows just how to attack each of us individually. The most powerful way to fight back against Satan is to turn to our Savior. Christ wants us each to Rise Up and receive His Light into our lives.
In Micah 7:8 it says, “Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me”.
There is so much damage that can be done to each of our souls in life. Many times it feels like the damage we have experienced is too deep to ever be healed. But there is hope. ALWAYS hope. This hope can be found through Christ and the restoration He offers to each of us. To restore something means bring it back to the original state. BUT the biblical meaning of the word “restoration” is different. True restoration through Christ has greater connotations that go above and beyond the dictionary definition. It is “to receive back more than has been lost to the point where the final state is GREATER than the original condition”. Being restored by Christ means that YOU can be healed beyond measure.
Introduction
Becky grew up in Utah and married her high school sweetheart. They lived in Utah most of their marriage and also live in the Midwest and South for almost 5 years. Over the last 5 years, she has been on a healing journey that has led her to this point. Becky is about a year from graduating with her Master’s Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.
Becky’s relationship with God growing up was that He was just like her dad, unkind and not there for her. She thought that she had to be perfect and try to earn His love. But even if she did everything she was "supposed to", Becky felt like it would never be enough.
Darkest time
Becky’s husband told her about his pornography and masturbation problem back in high school when they were dating. In the back of her mind she thought that once they got married, pornography and masturbation would drop out of his life and they would just move forward into their lives. Boy, was she wrong.
“I didn’t know how much sexual addiction would affect our lives.”
The first few years of Becky’s marriage were the darkest years of her life. Her husband lied about where he was and what he doing almost every day. Many days she was alone in their tiny apartment without a car while her husband was acting out in his addiction. Her husband was depressed and suicidal sometimes. Those years were filled with pain and fear and tears and fighting and repeated betrayal trauma.
Becky says she stopped functioning in many ways. She was walking around in a fog, had a hard time sleeping at night, her thoughts were muddled and messy and there were times when she couldn’t even put together full sentences. About 2011 Becky started to feel suicidal. She just wanted the pain of this intimate betrayal to stop. She started self-harming. A big push with many ecclesiastical leaders was that they weren’t having sex enough, that they just needed to pray and read scriptures together more, and that Becky needed to focus on forgiving her husband and just let it go and move on. This counsel and the pain that resulted from it led Becky to feel like she couldn’t trust God anymore.
In this deepest dark time of her life, Becky spent a period of time away from her church and pulled completely away from any relationship she had with God. That relationship wasn’t strong to begin with but the trauma that she was experiencing shattered the relationship. Becky just couldn't see that anyone was there for her or could love her if her own husband wouldn’t be faithful to her. Becky says didn’t see the Lord, didn’t feel the Lord, and stopped seeking Him in her like. She withdrew into herself and focused on getting through each day. ALONE, breathless, and in pain.
Some hope
Through most of her marriage, Becky and her husband had tried therapy on and off with very mixed results. 20 years ago there weren’t very many resources for sex addiction. But they kept trying and after many years and many bad therapists, they finally found a therapist they was able to start helping them make some progress before they moved out of the area. And then, almost 6 years ago Becky and her husband found their current therapist. Finding a qualified therapist made all the difference for them. They studied and learned about the nature of addiction and treatment for it. They learned about the trauma that her husband’s addiction had caused her.
Some pivotal points in Becky’s healing journey included when she learned through therapy that she did NOT cause my husband’s addiction and she COULD NOT FIX IT! Another game changer was when Becky learned betrayal trauma vs being codependent. The things she was feeling and the behavior she was responding with were natural trauma responses. She also relearned about the Lord’s grace and mercy and healing. And one of the biggest game changers came when Becky attended the Heart of a Woman retreat in 2016. At this retreat, through the presentations, the time to meditate, pray, and study, Becky came to know who she truly is and how much she is loved by God. Perfectly.
“He is a God who loved me fiercely and would battle for my heart. I learned that I was enough, no matter what I did, and that love would never change.”
Best recovery resources
Becky’s relationship with God is #1 in her life. When she keeps that in the proper place (first), she can be peaceful no matter what is going on around her. Becky does this through prayer, meditation, listening to Christian music, scripture and other good book study, and more.
Second- The book "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. This is the book that she recommends every spouse of a sex addict should read. It teaches about what betrayal trauma REALLY is and what that means in the healing process.
Next- learning about boundaries. Boundaries keep us safe. Wee can't control what other people do, but we can control what we will do. The book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend is what Becky recommend to everyone.
Becky says that taking care of herself, practicing self-compassion, and gentleness when she is having a hard time all help relieved her of the heavy burden on "not doing it right".
And connection with women who are awake to the love of God has helped Becky learn to trust and open up to other women. The Heart of a Women retreat was a powerful place to relearn about who God really is and to find beautiful connection with other women.
Through her healing journey Becky has found restoration through Christ. Even though she has experienced deep betrayal and trauma, because she knows WHO she is, she knows WHO she is.
“I don’t have to hustle for my worth. I don’t have to earn anything. I am loved and the Beloved. I am enough and I always have been.”
Becky says that Christ was willing to suffer and die for her out of LOVE and nothing she does or doesn't do will change that. This is so powerful and healing. “I am ENOUGH!” His Atonement covers EVERYTHING. Every hurt and pain and sin and mistake. Becky’s heart was shattered by men on this earth and the only way to truly find peace, hope, and healing in this life is through the Son of God.
Becky and her husband are still on their healing journey. There are good days and bad days. But as they have turned to the Lord, they have been guided to know the next right step.
As Becky has worked on her healing, she has been drawn to helping others. She started volunteering as a peer mentor in women’s trauma groups and went back to school to become a clinical mental health counselor. As she supports women experiencing betrayal trauma because of their loved one’s sexual addiction (whether it is pornography use, affairs, voyeurism, prostitution, etc.…), Becky has found that betrayal trauma is betrayal trauma.
“Trauma needs to be witnessed, acknowledged, and hope offered.”
Here at Rise Up Restored, we want to share stories of hope, insight, and even some resources to help you in this journey, whether or not that journey is still alongside a sex addict. These stories come from real loved ones of sex addicts and we hope you find strength in your journey to restoration.
We are also going to have podcasts to answer your anonymous questions, so please send your questions to us at becky@riseuprestored.com And we may even have a few experts on the podcast in the future, too.
Please check out our other podcasts and additional resources on the website: Riseuprestored.com. Please follow us on Facebook and Instagram at riseuprestored and our website riseuprestored.com. And please subscribe to this podcast on your preferred platform. And we would love your review if you would like to leave one.
Wanted to end today with Andra Day’s song “Rise Up”. We invite you to Rise Up Restored with us. See you next time.
Becky’s Recovery Resources:
#1- God in my life
Book- “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse” by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
Book- “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Self-care
Self-compassion (Kristen Neff https://self-compassion.org )
Heart of a Women Retreat for powerful connection with God and other women connected with Him ( https://www.theheartofawoman.net )
Qualified Therapy
Becky’s Music (too many to choose from!):
“Rise Up”- Andra Day
“Just Be Held”- Casting Crowns
“Reckless Love”- Cory Ashbury
“Inheritance (Live) featuring Graham Cooke)”- Jonathan David and Melissa Helier
