When the Loss Is Too Heavy to Carry Alone
With Becky Ruff, MS, LCMHC, NCC, CCTP, CCPS — APSATS-Certified Partner Specialist
Serving Adults in Utah & Idaho
Grief Doesn't Always Look the Way People Expect
When most people hear "grief counseling," they think of death. And yes, death is often the catalyst. But grief shows up in many forms, wearing many faces. Grief is what happens when you lose something or someone that mattered to you — and your world has to reorganize itself around the absence.
That loss might be the death of a loved one. But it might also be the loss of a relationship you thought would last forever. The loss of a faith community that once held you. The loss of the person you thought your partner was. The loss of a future you had planned. The loss of a version of yourself that no longer exists.
Whatever the source, grief is not a problem to be solved. It's a process to be moved through — sometimes with support, sometimes with specialized help when the process gets stuck.
If you're grieving, you may be hearing messages from people around you that don't sit right: "It's been months — aren't you over it yet?" or "At least they're in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason." These messages come from people who are uncomfortable with grief, not from people who understand it. You don't have to perform recovery for anyone else's comfort. You just need a space where your grief is allowed to be exactly what it is.
The Many Faces of Grief I Work With
Death of a Loved One
The most recognized form of grief — and still one of the most isolating. Whether the loss was sudden or anticipated, the reality of a world without this person in it can be destabilizing in ways that surprise you. Grief after death is natural, but it can become complicated when it persists at an intensity that prevents you from functioning months or years after the loss.
Betrayal Grief
Grief that follows the discovery of infidelity, sex addiction, pornography addiction, or compulsive sexual behavior. You're mourning a relationship that may still physically exist but feels fundamentally different. This is often compounded by a sense that others don't understand why you're grieving — after all, your partner is still alive. This is known as ambiguous loss, and it's one of the most misunderstood forms of grief. Learn more on my betrayal trauma therapy page.
Ambiguous Loss
Coined by researcher Pauline Boss, ambiguous loss refers to losses that are unclear or unresolved. Your partner is physically present but psychologically different. A loved one is missing but not confirmed dead. A relationship has ended but the legal ties remain. Ambiguous loss is uniquely painful because there's no clear endpoint — no funeral, no certificate, no societal recognition of what you've lost.
Disenfranchised Grief
Grief that isn't socially recognized or validated. The loss of a pet. The loss of a relationship that wasn't publicly acknowledged. The loss of a dreams or expectations. Miscarriage. The end of a friendship. Grief doesn't require permission — but when the world around you doesn't recognize your loss, the grieving process becomes lonelier and harder.
Complicated Grief
When grief doesn't soften over time — when the intensity remains as raw months or years later, when you find yourself unable to engage with life, when thoughts of the loss become consuming and disruptive — you may be experiencing complicated grief (also called prolonged grief disorder). This is a recognized condition that responds well to specialized treatment, including Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, EMDR, and trauma-informed approaches.
Grief After Faith Transition
Leaving or shifting within a faith tradition can trigger a profound grief process: loss of community, loss of certainty, loss of identity, and sometimes loss of family relationships. In Utah, where religious identity is often deeply woven into personal and social life, faith transitions carry unique weight. My membership in the Mormon Mental Health Association reflects my commitment to providing culturally competent support for this specific grief.
Grief After Divorce or Separation
The end of a relationship — especially one that ended because of betrayal — carries a unique grief signature. You're mourning not just the relationship but the future you planned, the identity you held as a partner, and sometimes the community that came with it. If children are involved, the grief is layered with co-parenting challenges and ongoing contact with your ex-partner.
Normal Grief vs. Complicated Grief
One of the most common questions I hear is: "Is what I'm experiencing normal grief, or do I need help?" The answer isn't always simple — grief doesn't follow a textbook — but there are some distinctions that can help you understand where you are.
Normal grief comes in waves. It's intensely painful, but the waves gradually become less frequent and less overwhelming over time. You can still function — perhaps at reduced capacity, perhaps with difficulty — but you're engaging with life. Moments of joy or laughter don't feel like betrayal. You're moving through the grief, even if it's slower than you'd like.
Complicated grief feels stuck. The intensity hasn't decreased months or years after the loss. You may find yourself avoiding reminders entirely, or conversely, consumed by them. Daily functioning is significantly impaired. You may feel that moving forward is a betrayal of what you lost. Thoughts of the deceased or the loss feel intrusive and inescapable.
If you suspect you're experiencing complicated grief, I want you to know: this isn't a character flaw or a sign that you're grieving wrong. Complicated grief is a recognized condition that responds to specialized treatment — including Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting and EMDR therapies, which I'm trained to provide. Read more about my credentials on my About page.
What Grief Counseling Looks Like
Grief counseling is not about "getting over it." It's about integrating the loss into your life in a way that allows you to function, to find meaning, and eventually to experience joy again — without pretending the loss didn't happen.
Our first session is about getting to know each other. I'll ask about your loss, your relationship to what you've lost, and how you're coping right now. There's no pressure to share everything at once. Grief counseling moves at the pace of the griever.
From there, our work depends on what you need. For some, it's primarily about having a safe space to grieve without judgment. For others, it involves more structured work — processing traumatic elements of the loss using Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, EMDR therapies, addressing complicated grief patterns, or navigating the practical complications of a loss that others don't recognize.
I bring a trauma-informed lens to grief work. As a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), I understand that grief and trauma often overlap — especially when the loss was sudden, violent, or involved betrayal. When trauma is present alongside grief, standard grief support may not be sufficient. Specialized trauma treatment is needed, and that's exactly what I provide.
Who I Serve
I provide grief counseling for adults in Utah and Idaho who are navigating:
-Death of a family member, partner, spouse, or friend
-Betrayal grief after infidelity, sex addiction, or compulsive sexual behavior
-Ambiguous loss — mourning someone who is physically present but psychologically changed
-Disenfranchised grief — losses that others don't recognize or validate
-Complicated grief — when the intensity hasn't eased over time
-Grief after faith transition, especially within LDS or other high-demand religious contexts
-Grief after divorce, separation, or the end of a significant relationship
-Loss of identity, purpose, or life direction after a major life transition
My practice is LGBTQ-affirming. If you've experienced loss within a queer context — the death of a partner, the loss of community, grief after a faith tradition that rejected you — you are welcome here. Visit my LGBTQ-affirming therapy page for more information.
Questions About Grief
"How long does grief counseling take?"
It varies widely depending on the nature of the loss, whether trauma is involved, and your personal grieving process. Some clients come for a few months to work through an acute loss. Others stay longer, especially when complicated grief or trauma is present. There's no "correct" timeline.
"Is grief the same as depression?"
They can look similar, but they're different processes. Grief comes in waves and is connected to a specific loss. Depression tends to be more pervasive and constant, affecting all areas of life regardless of external circumstances. They can coexist, and grief can trigger depressive episodes. A thorough assessment helps determine what you're experiencing and what treatment approach will help most.
"I've been told to 'just give it time.' Is that right?"
Time is necessary but not sufficient — especially for complicated grief. If months or years have passed and the intensity hasn't changed, or if grief is interfering with your ability to function, time alone may not resolve it. Specialized treatment can help your brain and nervous system process what time alone hasn't.
"Can grief counseling help even if the loss was years ago?"
Yes. Complicated grief can persist for years or even decades. It's never too late to seek help. Many clients come to me years after a loss and find that the work is deeply effective — because the grief was never processed, just carried.
