Ep. 66- Hejdi's Story
/Becky and Tiffany sit down with Hejdi, who shares her story. Hejdi lives in Georgia, has been married for 17 years, and has four kids. She teaches voice lessons and loves to run.
Hejdi shares that she was raised in a religious home where she felt loved and seen by God. Later, when she was dating her husband, she asked him if he struggled with pornography. He said yes and that he was seeing a therapist for it. However, Hejdi explains that “neither of us knew the monster it was.”
Early on in their marriage, Hejdi shares how there was a “numb cloud” within her after learning her spouse was still struggling with pornography. “There were no emotions left to give others,” she says. She describes how it felt like this was “our” problem, not “his” problem.
Her darkest time came when she was pregnant with their third child and discovered her husband’s acting out behaviors had escalated to an emotional affair.
It was so sad because I knew what he was capable of, but he was so far into the addiction that he couldn’t see clearly. I was afraid I couldn’t save him from himself.
Hejdi shares how even though it was a dark time, she felt loved by God. She found supportive women’s groups and church leaders. “I knew there was somehow a beautiful plan for me and these children we’d brought into this world,” she says.
When asked when she started seeing hope and light, Hejdi describes how she had different levels of hope throughout the whole experience. Some points of help were learning concepts involving surrender and healthy boundaries, which came with hesitations.
I felt like boundaries were going to backfire—they scared me. That’s why it’s helpful to listen to other people’s stories.
She reminds us that boundaries can change throughout the journey—just make sure the focus is on one’s own safety. Her women’s group felt like a “safe haven” here she could go and listen to others’ stories. “You feel heard and seen by someone who’s been through the exact same thing,” she says.
I put God in my center. I know He has me. Putting Him as my focus, I could trust Him. The second I tried to sneak my husband back in my center, you know instantly that I felt more stressed and crazy.
Hejdi shares that there are still some areas where she needs healing, namely allowing herself to have “off” days and saying “no” when she feels maxed out. She also has to sometimes fight the temptation to want to jump back in and control things.
When asked what role God has played in her healing in this journey, Hejdi explains that:
He is my healing. He’s why I’m able to get up each day. He’s why I have hope when it seems so dark. He held and loved me when it seemed like I wouldn’t ever have true love in this life. He’s the solution to all pain. Finding His love is the reason why we’re here.
Hejdi’s Recovery Resources:
Podcasts
SALifeline 12 step
Find a good therapist—shop around.
He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton
Putting on the Armor of God by Steven Cramer
From Heartache to Healing: Finding Power in Christ to Deal with a Loved One’s Sexual Addiction by Colleen C. Harrison and Philip A. Harrison
Clean Hands, Pure Heart: Overcoming Addiction to Pornography Through the Redeeming Power of Jesus Christ by Philip A. Harrison
What Can I Do About Me? by Rhyll Croshaw
Hejdi’s Song: “Breathe” by BYU Noteworthy and the Truman Brothers
