Ep. 27- Ali's Story
/Becky and Autumn sit down with Ali to share her story. Ali is a divorced mom who loves going to concerts, finding weird, awesome things in nature, and doing yardwork.
Ali explains that for most of her life, she was focused on “Churchianity” instead of “Christianity.” She describes “Churchianity” as being more driven to do the checklist of everything we “should” do, versus having a personal relationship with God.
Ali shares that soon after she found porn on her husband’s computer near their ten-year anniversary, more and more issues came to light. She felt like it was a very dark time for her.
I felt like [pornography addiction] was something that happened to other people, not to me.
Ali says her ecclesiastical leader gave her a chance to speak, believed her, listened to her, and provided a safe space for her to share. She describes her relationship with God at this time as very troubled. She knew the only way she could survive this was to turn to God—but she was angry with Him. Her world had turned upside down.
I felt that someone had taken black paint and smeared all of my memories and all I knew.
When asked about her wrestle with God, Ali explains that she was grateful for her 12-step group. Through their support, she began shattering her formal relationship with God and not caring what it looked like, saying “If He really wants me, He’s gonna get all of me.” The angry parts, the hurt parts, everything. And this was what started her rebirth with God.
Finding a qualified therapist was instrumental in her healing. She learned so much. But Ali shares that the most pivotal point for her was attending “The Heart of a Woman” retreat. It was there she was able to start seeing God in a different way: as a loving Father who has been with her this whole time.
I started on my path to an authentic relationship to God.
Ali describes how she thought she could “save” her husband with the right resources, but it eventually became clear that he had to make that choice himself. When she realized she couldn’t control his recovery and healing, Ali embarked on her own healing journey.
I would say “my needs really matter” as an affirmation, but over time I really started to believe it.
Ali describes her eventual divorce as another time where her world was burned to ashes—she shares she was shaken to her core. However, trying to love herself and be aware of her emotions and needs, as well as using courage to reach out to an amazing network of women, have helped her continue to heal.
When asked what part God has played in her healing, Ali says: “All of it. He has been the source of healing for me…God is loving. He takes the ashes of our life and finds beauty.”
Isaiah 61:3- To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them a beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.
Ali’s Recovery Resources:
Qualified Therapist
12-Step Support Group
Heart of a Woman retreat
Ali’s song:
“Beautiful Heartbreak” by Hillary Weeks
