Ep. 40- Erin's Story
/Becky and Autumn sit down with Erin to share her story. Erin works as a math tutor, has three young kids, and loves all things Disney. She enjoys reading, playing games, and working out.
Erin shares how she had been married for two years when her husband told her he had a pornography addiction. In an effort to help him, they worked with a therapist who was not trained in sexual addiction or betrayal trauma, and as a result, Erin describes the therapeutic trauma she endured from the damaging and incorrect information she was given.
For the next few years, Erin’s husband had times of sobriety followed by times of acting out and lying about it. Because of her father’s own sexual addiction and recovery, Erin was able to receive unique help, understanding, and support from her parents. However, the pain she was experiencing was immense.
“I closed my heart off to everyone, even God.”
After more disclosures of her husband’s escalating behaviors, it was a dark time, Erin shares, as her husband believed there were only three options: death by suicide, divorce, or disclosure. Thankfully, his therapist, who was specialized and a good fit, helped him to finally prepare for a formal, therapeutic disclosure.
Erin shares how she also finally found the right help for her: her own therapist who was specialized in betrayal trauma and who was also a CSAT (a certified sex addiction therapist). This was when she began utilizing boundaries to protect herself.
For Erin, her husband’s disclosure with polygraph was an empowering but also shattering experience.
As Becky reminds, in order for healing to take place, the wound has to be cleaned out. Therefore, disclosure is often a vital and difficult step.
Looking back, Erin realizes there were many love notes from God throughout this long healing process.
“I see His finger in so many things,” she says. From meeting people who offered support at just the right time, to attending the Heart of a Woman retreat, to immersing herself in SALifeline Twelve Step meetings, Erin felt truly led by God.
She began learning that God wasn’t formal, and she wasn’t beneath Him as He sat on a high throne. Rather, she learned that “even with my bad words and the dirt of my life, He’ll meet me where I am…He just jumped right in with a shovel and said, ‘Let’s do this.’” For Erin, God is where she finds healing.
“God knows the way out because He IS the way out.”
As the hosts shared, one of the biggest messages from the deception we are subjected to in sex addiction is: you’re not important. But it was in that dark space that miracles happened, and Erin found God. Becky explains that “healing doesn’t look the same for everyone. There are common themes and threads, but the Lord shows up individually.”
As they truly began healing as a couple, Erin shares that she “quit trying to control [her husband’s] recovery and gave him space.” It was a lot of work, she explains. “It felt like two steps forward and five steps back sometimes. One day, I realized I wasn’t at the bottom of the mountain anymore. I wasn’t at the top, but I was somewhere in between.”
Today, Erin and her husband feel as though they are new creatures in Christ. “Our old relationship is dead. It was broken and needed to be buried, but we have a new one.”
“We feel like Ebenezer Scrooge [when he says] ‘I’m not the man I was.’”
Erin’s Recovery Resources:
Intimate Deception by Dr. Sheri Keffer
Twelve Step groups such as SALifeline
Specialized therapists trained in betrayal trauma
When she’s feeling stuck, she asks herself: “Am I centered on God or on another person?”
Grounding techniques and mindfulness
Erin’s Instagram and FB: “Life Beyond Betrayal” @life_beyond_betrayal
Erin’s song:
“Another in the Fire” by Hillsong UNITED with Taya
