Ep. 31- Sexuality and Pleasure with Jessica Holfeltz, LCMHC & Sex Therapist

Just a reminder to listeners that the topic of sexual health is an important step in the recovery journey, and if you are not yet in the place in your recovery to work on that piece, that is perfectly normal and okay. Listeners are invited to skip this episode if needed and rejoin on the next one!

Jessica Holfeltz is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Sex Therapist.  One of her career passions is teaching the importance of sexual health, sexuality, and connection. She also provides therapeutic treatment for concerns such as sex during and post-cancer, Painful Intercourse, LGBTQ+ Mental & Sexual Health, Trauma, Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB) as well as how to stay connected within a relationship when sex is not an option.  She currently owns her own practice in Utah as well as works part-time at LifeStar.  Jessica also loves creating and has recently started stitching, both snarky and beautiful projects!

Becky, Autumn and Tiffany welcome back Jessica Holfeltz, LCMHC and Sex Therapist, to talk about pleasure and sexuality.  Tiffany starts the episode by focusing on what is pleasure and how to include pleasure in our healthy sexuality.  Jessica starts the podcast reminding us of the six basic principles of healthy sexuality (Consent, Non-exploitation, Honesty, Shared Values, Protection from STIs, HIV, & Unwanted Pregnancy, and Pleasure).

Jessica shares that whether someone is in a relationship or not, it is important to understand their relationship with their own pleasure.  It is about getting curious without judgement and asking yourself what you like and what you don’t like.  And not just with sex, but everything.  She says that learning what you really like is important, along with exploring to make sure that it is coming from a place of authenticity.

Jessica talks about being undifferentiated, “I don’t know who I am.  I am only who my partner knows who I am.  I like what you like”.  Autumn shares that it’s like in the movie “Runaway Bride”.  The main character has to find herself so that she can find why she is running.  She needs to figure out what she really likes and then can choose.  Like this example, Jessia shares, in life, we need to know what we like so we can choose.

Looking to the 2nd Commandment, we are commanded to “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”  Jessica says that often we really gloss over that part- how we love ourself.  Loving yourself is seen as selfish but it is just finding out who you are, who you are becoming.  She says that often in pleasure, we, as women, defer to what others like, from restaurants to movies and more.  Jessica wonders

Do I put myself first and do consider that as selfish or am I just speaking my truth?

Becky shares that years ago in church a man shared that his wife always gave him the bigger half of the candy bar.  But “what if I want the bigger half of the candy bar?  Or my own candy bar?”.  She says that there is nothing selfish about wanting her own candy bar.  Jessica questions if culturally or socially, how are you looked upon as a woman who gives others the bigger half?  Becky says she doesn’t think we are closer to God when we don’t take care of ourselves.  Jessica believes it is just fine to share your candy bar if you want to.  But it is important to examine if there is any resentment about sharing and to focus on what is authentic in the situation.

Jessica shares that when we prop up women for selflessness and for always sacrificing, we are propping up sacrificing yourself.  It is so important to make sure we are not teaching little girls (or anyone, really) that sacrificing their desires is what makes them a “good wife”.

How many women don’t know about their own bodies capacity for pleasure?

Jessica shares that within the context of a relationship, especially a sexual relationship, we do a disservice to our young girls and boys by not discussing pleasure. The Lord gave us these bodies and they were built for pleasure but it is discouraged.  And that can be really confusing.

Jessica says one of her biggest realizations came when she learned that the clitoris is the sexual pleasure home in a woman’s body.  She shares that it has no other function, other than pleasure. Why do we have this?  Why were we created to have a clitoris that has no other function other than pleasure?  Jessica believes that it is because we are loved as daughters of Heavenly Parents.  We are loved and they wanted us to have pleasure as they do.

Jessica shares we are not doing our boys or girls any favors by not talking about sexual pleasure.  That part of my body has no other function except to bring me joy.  She says

Pleasure is joy.  And men and women are that they are to have joy.  It’s simple.

So how do we begin?  Jessica says that talking as adults and with our kids about pleasure is important.  It can begin with non-sexual things- what kind of treat would you like tonight?  This sets kids up to have more conversations like this in the future.

Jessica says that when she got married she had the underlying belief that her husband held the key to her sexuality, her pleasure.  And that it wasn't until she entered into a sexual relationship with him that she became alive fully.  Autumn observes that there is a lot of shame around that.  And how would husbands even know?  That puts a lot on a spouse to figure it out for you.

Autumn suggests sitting down with your partner and having a frank conversation about not knowing what you like and wanting to find out as a good place to start.  Having an open dialogue without the stigma.  Without handing someone the keys to be in charge of your sexuality.  Tiffany shares that this you to come from a place of authenticity and vulnerability and that is what we want our relationships based on.  Jessica says that it’s not on one person’s shoulders in the relationship.

Jessica shares there can be stigma around talking about pleasure.  She shares that she felt quiet about it and would just shut down.  Growing up, it wasn’t ok to talk about it and then suddenly when she got married, it was ok.  It can feel very confusing.  Becky shares the importance of talking about pleasure and living in a space where it’s safe to talk about it.  She says, “We have to talk about it”.

Each of us has the right to feel pleasure.

Each of us have the right to experience it, to express it, to ask for it.  We all have the right.

Pleasure is part of healthy sexuality.

Jessica ends with some pointers to start learning about pleasure:

~Start with non-sexual things- you can even write them down and have conversations about them.  These are low-stake conversations with your partner.  She says to practice with ice cream or cookies or what you like on your potatoes. 

~Start getting curious about yourself, without judgement.  That is where you find out what you like.

~Own what you like and don’t like.  She says it is like consent- own that Yes or No.

Jessica’s Resources:

Jessica’s website- www.jessicaholfeltz.com

Jessica Holfeltz and her colleague, Alex Blankenstein (who is also a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor), are offering a couple’s course called, “Mindful Sex for Couples: A Sexual Health Therapeutic Intensive.”  In this course, couples will learn important principles of sexual health as well as how to more deeply and vulnerably connect with themselves and each other.  This course is designed for couples who have/are in the process of therapeutic work.  Limited space is available, so make sure to contact Jessica at jessholfeltz@gmail.com with questions or to see if this intensive is the right fit for you.

Book- “Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior” by Douglas Braun-Harvey and Michael A. Vigorito

Starting pointers:

1-Start with non-sexual things

2-Get curious about yourself and find out what you like

3-Own what you like and don’t like

Song

“To Build a Home” by The Cinematic Orchestra