Ep. 30- Intro to Healthy Sexuality with Jessica Holfeltz, LCMHC & Sex Therapist

Just a reminder to listeners that the topic of sexual health is an important step in the recovery journey, and if you are not yet in the place in your recovery to work on that piece, that is perfectly normal and okay. Listeners are invited to skip this episode if needed and rejoin on the next one!

Jessica Holfeltz is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Sex Therapist.  One of her career passions is teaching the importance of sexual health, sexuality, and connection. She also provides therapeutic treatment for concerns such as sex during and post-cancer, Painful Intercourse, LGBTQ+ Mental & Sexual Health, Trauma, Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB) as well as how to stay connected within a relationship when sex is not an option.  She currently owns her own practice in Utah as well as works part-time at LifeStar.  Jessica also loves creating and has recently started stitching, both snarky and beautiful projects!

Jessica starts the podcast discussing what is sexual health and the importance of it throughout all of life, not just before we start a sexual relationship with someone else.  She shares that many times sexuality is not discussed in the home growing up and how that can teach children that sex is scary and bad.  This can lead to problems as children grow and do not know how to live a sexually healthy life.

Jessica likes to teach her clients the 6 Principles of Sexual Health, which are:

Consent

Non-exploitation

Honesty

Shared values

Protection from STIs, HIV, unwanted pregnancy

Pleasure

Consent- Consent is the ability to say no and the ability to say yes.  It is also the ability to receive a no and the ability to receive a yes.  Jessica talks about teaching children about consent at a young age.  Consent is also important in adulthood.  As an adult, having the ability to say yes or no is vital.  And owning your Yes or No is an important part of consent.  

Being clear with what you say and receiving what your partner is saying are both part of consent.

Non-exploitive- In order for sex to be non-exploitive, everything needs to be on the table before we have sex.  Jessica says that keeping secrets is exploitive and that is where the trauma comes from.  She shares that when there are secrets and sex is a great connecting experience, when partners find out, they feel they can’t trust that their partner.  Becky asks, “How can you give consent to sex, when you don’t have the information?  I do not think you can fully give consent without the information.”  She feels exploitation comes in when there is intentional deception.  

Honesty- Jessica says that honesty is being vulnerable and talking about what is going on with you, being open and honest.  Tiffany feels honesty deepens the intimacy of the connection.  And this doesn’t mean one person has to be perfect in order to have sex, but honesty is needed.  Becky feels that is where the connection comes in, through honesty.  Jessica reminds us that even if you are vulnerable and honest, it may still not lead to sex.

If you are just being vulnerable to have sex, your partner is going to pick up on that.

If sex is the agenda, then that energy is going to be felt.  If intimacy and connection is the agenda, if being seen and heard is the agenda, then it doesn’t matter how that is met, Jessica says  Whether it is through sex or another way of connecting.  Honesty about where you are at is vital, not to explain why but to be open about where you are.  Autumn shares that honesty is so much better than doing “The Dance” of trying to guess what the other person wants.  Becky shares that:

 Being honest is so much more connecting than having to guess.  The having to guess is where we get the fear, the uncertainty.  There is so much disconnection when we have to guess.

Jessica shares the importance of looking for a certified sex therapist for help in these areas.  They work and learn to receive the appropriate and additional training to help with these important topics.

Shared Values-  Jessica says that talking about expectations, interests, desires, and more is important before entering a sexual relationship.  This can include defining what sex is and is not, bottom lines, etc…  These are sexual relationship values.  She shares that being on the same page makes a huge difference.  Coming from two different families means you will have different expectations and information.  Autumn asks if sitting down regularly to discuss sexuality, even if you have been together with your partner for a long time is a good idea.  Jessica recommends sitting down at least quarterly and discussing how you feel.  Including things like “Do you feel seen, heard, loved?  Outside of sex, inside of sex?  Are you sexually satisfied?”.

Both parties are protected from STIs, HIV, and unwanted pregnancies- Jessica shares that the responsibility of protection is not just put on one person.  Both partners are responsible for protection.  She feels you can’t have ultimate pleasure without this and there is so much more safety when protection is in place.  It’s about physical safety and emotional safety.

Pleasure- Jessica recommends starting with small things to identify pleasure in your life.  What kind of feelings physically and emotionally do you get when you eat your favorite ice cream?  She shares that it may be easier to start thinking about and talking about smaller things with your partner.  By learning to talk about pleasure in other realms (backrubs, kissing, or back scratching) it may not feel so scary.  Jessica says that learning what you like and don’t like will allow you to express that more clearly.  And asking your partner to do “this” more and “this” less is important in a relationship. Jessica shares that owning what you like and don't like is part of true pleasure.

Jessica’s resources:

Jessica’s website- www.jessicaholfeltz.com

Jessica Holfeltz and her colleague, Alex Blankenstein (who is also a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor), are offering a couple’s course called, “Mindful Sex for Couples: A Sexual Health Therapeutic Intensive.”  In this course, couples will learn important principles of sexual health as well as how to more deeply and vulnerably connect with themselves and each other.  This course is designed for couples who have/are in the process of therapeutic work.  Limited space is available, so make sure to contact Jessica at jessholfeltz@gmail.com with questions or to see if this intensive is the right fit for you.

Book- “Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior” by Douglas Braun-Harvey and Michael A. Vigorito

Jessica’s Song:

“Wild Life” by One Republic