Ep. 32- TC's Story
/Becky and Tiffany sit down with TC to share her story. TC has been married for twenty years and has
three kids—all now teens. She and her husband are currently serving as coordinators for their area for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Addiction Recovery Program (ARP).
When asked about her relationship with God growing up, TC shares that she always knew He was there, but she didn’t allow herself to rely on Him completely. She struggled with an eating disorder growing up and she recognized that she would not rely on the Lord for that part of her.
TC says didn’t know anything about porn and sex addiction growing up. And after she was married, she attributed her feeling of disconnection with her husband to the eating disorder or to the normal stresses of life.
The disconnection continued and then on the 4th of July, TC shares she experienced her last day living in the unknown. Her bishop knocked on her door and she realized it was a scheduled meeting. Her husband pulled out a letter and just started reading it to her, with no introduction at all. TC says her husband was emotional with the confession but also minimized what had been going on. He had felt scared that his acting out had escalated so much since moving to Arizona and that is what led him to going to talk to the bishop and this meeting.
TS shares that she recognized how hard that must have been for him to share and thanked him for telling her. And then he told her:
Your mom and dad know and they’ve known for the last five years.
TS says that she suddenly felt like she had no one. She felt totally alone.
That night she looked up at the dark sky and shut a door on God.
After this disclosure, she shares that she and her husband separated for a time. She says that was a very dark time for them. TC says that she relapsed in her eating disorder and went to an inpatient clinic. She felt judged by others because her husband looked like an amazing guy and she was struggling so hard. Two years after that D-Day, they were in therapy and she’s thinking, “Why don’t I trust him? Why am I still stuck?” She felt like she wasn’t making any progress. TS says that her husband was lying to her and made up smaller slips to throw her off. She shares that their bishop knew but she did not have the truth from her husband. But, she says,
The Spirit was so clearly saying, “Trust me. There’s something wrong.”
TC shares that her husband was really good at focusing on her weaknesses and bringing her eating disorder into her feeling that something was wrong. Becky says: “We doubt ourselves. We don’t know exactly what’s wrong, but we know it’s something”. And when the addict is gaslighting and lying “The spouses manifest as the crazy ones usually.” Tiffany says that we do make mistakes and sometimes we feel unworthy to receive inspiration, “But God will show us despite our weaknesses, He will speak to us”.
TC shares that she had to learn through this process and her eyes are open to things she didn't see before.
I’m holding my ground. When I feel something, I feel it and I’m not budging.
She shares that we push ourselves to heal faster but we need to take out time. Our healing does not take the same amount of time as our spouses in addiction.
TC says that one of the reasons she was mad at her husband for not telling her sooner is that she shared her eating disorder with him when they got serious in their dating. She shares that the eating disorder and sex addiction was the perfect storm for Satan. “I prostituted myself out to fix him.”
In 2009, TC says she found out her husband was lying again and they separated for eight months. He hadn’t been ready to give up his addiction, so he got better at hiding it. She felt foggy when he was around and needed space from him. TC shares that she attended Camp Scabs for women whose husbands are porn/sex addicts. She feels she became a new person with a voice and ready to take control of her life regardless of what her husband chose.
She could look at these beautiful sane women and not feel crazy herself.
During the separation TC says she hadn’t opened up to anyone and had pushed God away even before that.she says that a lot of her decisions came from pure exhaustion. With God she felt, “This is my last resort, so I guess I’ll talk to you.” She didn’t know what to do, stay separated or get back together with her husband. TC shares that she was in the bath and she looked up and said,
“Do you love me?” and the love poured on me. God said, “I’ve been waiting.”
TC says that as humans, if you put them in a corner and say, don’t even look at me. Humans will say “Forget you”. But God doesn’t do that. He was waiting with open arms. This experience caused a new resolve and a new focus in TC. She shares her gratitude for God-
“Thank you for not giving up on me, God, because I did give up on you.”
He’s waiting anxiously on the other side of the door for us to open it.
TC shares that she still struggles with intimacy but does trusts her husband completely, which is a “full on miracle”. She also shares that she struggles with body image and projecting her experiences on others.
Regardless of all of this, TC shares that
God is not playing a role in my healing, He is my healing.
She says it’s really great to have a husband who chose recovery, but she got to a place where she knew regardless of what happened, she would be okay with God.
TC’s Recovery Resources:
ARP
Individual therapy
Healing Through Christ workbook
Camp Scabs
Togetherness Project
Reaching Out- Find a safe person and don’t do it alone!
Trust Yourself
TC’s Song:
I Am by Nichole Nordeman
