Ep. 15- Amy R's Story

Becky and Kristy sit down with Amy R. to share her story. A mother of five, Amy discusses how she was raised in a Christ-centered family in Sandy, Utah. She met her husband while serving a mission for their church in Hungary. 

Amy shares that two-and-a-half years ago, when they had been married about eighteen years, she discovered pornography on an old ipad. When Amy confronted her husband, he didn’t deny that he had a problem. He shared with her he had struggled with pornography since he was ten years old. 

Amy was shocked. She had never suspected anything was amiss and didn’t believe it at first. She shares it was so disorienting. In the first few weeks after discovery, there were many more layers of disclosure, each more painful than the last.

Amy says she had felt that they had a strong, healthy marriage. Her husband was so good at compartmentalization, that there had been very few red flags indicating something was wrong. She shares she had known that her husband had suffered from emotional mismanagement, but it had never occurred to her that it was because of pornography use.

I experienced many betrayal trauma symptoms

Brain fog, sleep disturbances, and changes in how she viewed those around her were just some of the things Amy experienced during this time. Her husband’s issues were also very public knowledge in their community, which added another layer of pain. She shares she had a lot of anger and moments she wanted to “bash the doors in.”

But Amy and her husband jumped right into recovery, enrolling in a therapy program that specializes in unwanted pornography use and sex addiction, LifeStar, within six weeks of discovery. Amy was also open with her children, in age appropriate ways, about what was going on. Because their story was public knowledge, she was also open with members of their community.

My family was “The Team” and we were in this together

Although Amy and her husband sought help right away, there were still many painful moments, she shares. For instance, she remembers looking through photo books and placing their happy family moments within the timeline of what she now knew was her husband’s moments of acting out. Amy says this was very triggering to her. However, over time and through a lot of healing, she was able to find joy in looking through family photos again.

Don’t let his past and his addictions ruin your past. Your past was real to you. 

Often, those experiencing betrayal trauma tell themselves they can’t cherish their memories because their husband wasn’t worthy or honest during those times. But Amy shares that she believes we can choose to cherish them and can, through time and healing, look back and see the joy that was there.

Through therapy, Amy shares that she learned everyone’s story is unique. She believes in recovery for all kinds of people. She went from despising addicts to truly feeling love for them and seeing the Spirit of Christ in them.

Self-care, especially through running and hiking with friends has been essential for Amy’s healing. Although she’s also been educated and uplifted by therapy and by listening to podcasts, it’s the feeling of connection that has been the most help, she shares. 

Over time, Amy says she realized that having connections with people is also so important. She shares how she discovered that not everyone you share your story with has the ability to react with empathy. But it’s still important to search for those who can help.

Amy says that even more important than connections with those around her, though, is her connection with God.

The atonement of Jesus Christ isn’t just about repentance, it’s about healing.

Amy says she is working on her relationship with God. Although she’s not sure why He didn’t tell her clearly what was going on in her marriage, and it’s painful that she went all those years not knowing, she shares that she’s found restoration through Christ. This has come by understanding that the key to healing is having a belief in redemption, in the knowledge that God can redeem us.

Every single one of us can be redeemed from whatever pain we have. He wants to redeem us and get us out of that pain.

Amy R’s Recovery Resources:

Atonement of Jesus Christ

Running and hiking with friends

Connecting with your people

Music

Self-care

Book- “What Can I Do About Me” by Rhyll Croshaw

LifeStar Salt Lake

12 Step Groups- LDS church program and SALifeline

“Eternal Warriors” program by the WORTH Group

Podcasts

Amy R’s Song:

“Cleanse You” by Calee Reed