Ep. 17- Amy P's Story
/Becky and Autumn sit down with Amy P. to share her story. Married for twenty-eight years, Amy is a mother of six and has one grandchild and one on the way (as of podcast recording). She enjoys Pilates, canning, and gardening. Amy stages homes for realtors and has just completed real estate school.
Growing up, Amy shares she had a close connection to God. When she was five years old, her skull was crushed in an accident. She received a priesthood blessing in which she was commanded to live. Her first memory of her life was when she was in a hospital room, where she felt the love of both her Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother.
Although Amy had rebellious times as a teenager, when she asked God if he still loved her, she felt throughout her whole body that He did. This solidified her relationship with the Lord.
Amy and her husband met in high school and were married shortly after he returned home from his church mission. After five years of marriage, she shares she noticed he was slowly detaching from her. She had a strong feeling, like a lightning bolt, that he’d been looking at pornography. When she asked him if he had, he said, “Yes.” She says she asked him to go to the bishop and take care of it.
But the lies, denial, and gaslighting continued.
Amy shares that she was heartbroken. For the next few years, she and her husband were caught in a continuous, damaging cycle. During a trip to Hawaii, Amy says told him, “I’m not going to leave you.” She shares he felt he had enough safety to disclose all of his acting out behaviors to her that night.
After returning from their trip, Amy and her husband began attending the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ recovery program, the LifeStar therapy program, other counseling, and SALifeline 12-step programs. However, after about twenty-five years of marriage, Amy shares had reached her limits.
I’d done the roller coaster ride too many times.
She shares that for all of her hard work to heal, her husband was white knuckling his recovery. “I said to him, ‘I’m on the freight train moving this way, and you’re back at the depot.’”
Amy says that there were many times where she thought she was surrendering her husband and detaching with love, but then she was still being an anxious detective—still reminding and making sure he engaged in recovery. While these are normal responses when experiencing betrayal trauma, Amy shares that she feels it’s not the partner’s job to be the addict’s police officer or mother.
Even though she loved her husband with her whole soul, Amy says she felt done—she didn’t have anything left to give him or support him with. This was the moment when she finally put his recovery back into his hands. Amy shares that she told him, “Good luck. This is between you and God.”
That was the moment when his true recovery began.
Amy says her husband began meditating, learning about mindfulness, and becoming transparent. And this, Amy feels, allowed her to begin trusting him a little.
Amy shares that her husband has been on a big faith journey that has been intensely spiritual. She says that it was moving him away from the church they had in common. As he became safer from sexual addiction, Amy shares that her trauma increased because she felt that she was losing him in a totally different way.
Conversely, Amy shares that she felt she could finally show her husband all of the emotions she’d been holding inside for twenty-five years. Previously, if she tried to share what she was feeling, he’d shut down due to his great feelings of shame. This would, in turn, shut her down. But Amy says she finally learned it was the right thing for the addict to feel pain and guilt, and for them to sit with it and work through it.
It’s important for addicts to see the agony within themselves and their loved ones.
During this time, Amy shares she was experiencing deep trauma every few days. She finally said to God:
“I need you to lead me to the next thing. Just tell me what comes next.”
Amy was soon led to the right counselor, who helped them stop doing the damaging dance they’d been engaged in for so long. Her husband learned what questions to ask her and how to sit in the pain her answers would bring.
Since then, Amy says she has learned that we all have Christ within us because we have divine within us.
“I can see the Christ within you. I can see the best parts of whomever I’m with. I choose to see the Christ within myself and the Christ within you.”
She has also discovered that our worth is set—all of life is experience.
Amy shares that through all of the hardships in her life, the darkest time came just a few months ago when they shared their story—as well as their son’s story of coming out—on a podcast. After that, they received some harsh pushback. Amy says didn’t expect it to hurt so bad to feel so judged. She says it took the basement floor out of the faith that had held her solid as a rock. For six months, she says she just tried to breathe. Her son’s response helped her when he said, “Mom, we just need to love them better. They don’t understand.”
“It’s just about love.”
Amy shares that healing began when her answer from God was to change some more, and that He wanted her to stand next to, support, and love her family.
Her mantra became: Accept Change.
Amy P’s Recovery Resources:
Personal Affirmations
Tapping
Self-Care
Boundaries
Compassionate Counseling (Jody)
Brene Brown Books
CHANGE
SURRENDER
STAY CURIOUS!
Amy P’s Song:
“Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” by Elenyi
