Ep. 70- How the Betrayer Can Support the Betrayed

Becky sits down with Erin, one of the podcast copy editors, and each of their husband’s, Richard and Justin, to talk about what they have learned about how the Betrayer can best support the Betrayed.  After multiple anonymous questions about this topic, we wanted to make sure we talked about it!  

When did you realize that your wife needed some support from you too?

Justin started by sharing that he initially thought he couldn’t help Erin at all, because he was the problem.  He says that he was in a really dark place and was struggling with suicide ideation.  But that wouldn’t help her.  

PLEASE-  Anyone feeling that way, please seek help and support. 

Justin then says that he realized after a session when Erin asked if he wanted to go out to dinner.  He was surprised and realized that she wanted him to pursue and support her.  Richard says that after years of trying to find the right help and support for himself, he was seeing that Becky was working so hard to be strong for everyone else, but he recognized how much she had been suffering and hurting in all this.  Although she initially turned down offers for support for therapy, he didn’t give up and when she was ready, he was there.

Becky shares that when Richard brought up her getting some support or asking how he could help, she was not ready.  “I was hurt and nervous.  I wanted no part of him helping me.  I was too wounded and too hurt.”  But as she started doing my own work, attending a few groups, she says that her heart started opening and she felt a little willing and it helped when she saw him doing his work.  But it was scary for a long time. 

For Erin, she shares that early on she would not have reacted well to Justin’s offer to help.  “I would have felt like he was mansplaining recovery to me.  Don’t tell me what I need.”  She shares that she thought that once he got better, her issues would all go away.  But that’s not how trauma works. She realized she was looking to the wrong source for healing.  She wanted Justin to fix all the things to make it better. And she thought that if he was sorry enough or if he was sincere enough THEN she would feel better but he couldn’t fix that. 

That is where Christ had to come in.

Erin and Justin share the importance of taking care of themselves and working on their own healing (including Justin working on his “Ass-hole Armor”), having boundaries, working on boundaries and communication, and both being able to say yes or no were all important things that supported Erin’s healing.

For Becky, it felt hard for a long time to feel comfortable with Richard being able to say no and work on not being a people-pleaser.  Allowing him to be human and be honest with himself and his needs were an important part of his healing and also showed her a healthier way to live in their relationship.

What kind of things did you try to support your wife that didn’t go well or made things worse?

Justin and Richard both shared that they tried to fix the physical things around the house, take better care of the kids, cook dinner, etc…  But that isn’t what their wives needed.  They weren’t addressing the main issue of working their recovery.  

Richard shares that:

It probably did help some but it also fostered resentment in me because

 it wasn’t making everything all better even though I was putting all this effort into it.

I wasn’t willing to talk about the hard stuff.

It was easier to do the physical things and avoid the harder stuff.

They also tried apologizing over and over and realized they couldn’t apologize enough to make things better.  As Erin said, “I don’t need apologizing all the time.  Have heard it 1,000 times.  

Talk is really cheap and that doesn’t equate to changed behavior.  

I want to know you are sorry, not just hear you are sorry.

Becky and Erin both shared that something that didn’t help was when their husbands assumed they needed space all the time.  Both shared that they wanted their husbands to be willing to “hug a porcupine” and be willing to sit with them and learn how to have empathy with them in the space, where they had created the pain.

Communication was also a challenge for both couples.  Becky says that she was in too much pain to listen to explanations and had to ask Richard to avoid doing that for a long time.  Richard shares that was “a special slice of hell” for him and that he had to decide over and over that he was willing to fight for his relationship, even though it was so hard.

Richard often wondered why he should stay in the room, when Becky didn’t even want him there?  But he didn’t want to foster loneliness so he stayed.

He practiced nurturing the skill to swallow what you want to say and

 learn some phrases that are simple and straightforward and what she needs.

Some phrases he mentioned are (some people call phrases like this the Language of Safety):

I can see this is hurting you and I am sorry (say sorry once).

My recovery is still really important to me.

I’m going to keep working on it.

I’m going to keep doing everything I can to make this better.

And it’s understandable you feel the way you do.

Given our history, it is understandable that you may be feeling triggered right now.

I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere

NOT apologizing a million times. Just once.

Richard says that he worked to do the harder thing.  Staying with her.  Sitting together, doing something quiet, being present quietly.  He worked to offer companionship and presence in the discomfort.  He shares that he worked to try and stay away from the self-talk of “Why do I have to suffer? and stay out of resentfulness. Saying to himself,  

“She’s worth it, she’s worth it, she’s worth it.  And she needs this for healing.  

She is worth being here for because I care.”

Justin talks about having revelations in his own work and not taking those to Erin for a while and trusting that that there will be a time where he would be able to share with her in the future.  But when she is in trauma is not the time to share things.

I was awful at empathy.  

But he worked with his therapist and learned empathy and how to say I'm sorry in the right way.  It was so much more impactful in our relationship.  He says that he leaned he could validate how she feels without validating what she is saying if he didn’t feel it was true (things like “You don’t love me”, etc…).  “I have always loved her but she is not feeling loved,” so he learned the importance of not arguing with her and not telling her what she is feeling is wrong.  Justin shares that sitting in empathy with Erin made a big difference in their relationship.  

Maybe what she is feeling is not my fault, but I can look at my side of the street and 

see my role in how I made this more difficult for her.

Richard shared that it can be hard and that it does take time and work to find healing in the relationship.  He believes that the more you can go through and get through together, the better off your relationship will be.

Sometimes we are purchasing a million dollar marriage a dollar at a time.

But he reminds us all that if “you are doing the right thing with resentment, it won’t be as effective and you will have to work through the resentment later”.

Both men share that having a good therapist made a huge difference for them.  You don’t know what you don’t know, so having that support helped their own recovery and helped them see how they could support their wives in a healthy way.

A tip that they both felt was important was to remember to be patient and stay away from asking, “Hasn’t it been long enough?”.  This will actually slow down the healing of the betrayed partner.  Be patient in the process and remind yourself that what you are going through, each of these steps is not forever.  It’s this way for now.  And as you do it the right thing, the healing will go faster.

Justin reminds listeners that the betrayer does not need to go to his wife for validation for not acting out or for healthy behavior and lifestyle changes.  Richard shares that it is good to go and be celebrated for your victories with your 12 step group or other group of men who are working recovery and understand.  Both men agree that getting outside support is important to take the pressure and expectation off their wives when they are healing.  And also that they needed to work on their internal strength and grounding to have a solid foundation, even if she is having a hard time.

Things that they found were helpful to their wives:

Richard says that finding ways to take care of himself and be a good husband and making his recovery a priority seemed to really help Becky find more peace.  He also shares that they needed a “therapeutic break” to each get some space and catch their breath.  He reminds listeners that everyone is different and may need help finding their next right step and can get support from their group members or therapist to get ideas.

Being vulnerable and connecting with other people, for whatever reason, is part of the healing process. 

 If you don’t get vulnerable and get other people involved in the process, then healing will be very very difficult.

I don’t think I could have done it, and don’t know any others who could do it, without the connection.

Justin shares that being in charge of his own recovery and practice RIDICULOUS HONESTY were big keys for him.  He says that sharing things exactly how he did them, what he did helped create safety for Erin.  He says that level honesty feels ridiculous but that was his level of commitment to honesty needed to be.  

He decided to provide the MOST honesty possible and do it willingly.

All four agreed that another practice that helped was to take breaks when communication became overwhelming.  There was nothing wrong with taking a break to get something to eat or sleep or take a shower to help the conversion to go better.  Richard emphasized that one of the most important pieces of this communication is: 

When you need a break, it’s good and important to take the break.  

But set a time to come back.  And come back during that time!!!  

If you don’t do that, you are breaking trust.  Stay in contact in this process, especially if more time may be needed.

Becky shared that honesty, kindness, patience, and Richard doing his own work all made a big difference for her and her healing process.  Erin says that explicitly clear communication between the two of them and Justin doing what he says he is going to do, when he says he is going to do it helped her so much.  As he was willing to do whatever she needed for safety, she was able to trust him more.  She shares that trust is huge piece of a healthy relationship and 

Trust is built by trustworthy behaviors over time.

There is no shortcut over the honesty and trust piece.

It has to happen over the long term to undo or repair 

the damage done by long term dishonesty.

Justin reminds listeners that the betrayed partner does not like feeling triggered.  It’s not fun for them and they don’t do it on purpose.  Her pain is just coming out sideways.  Richard shared some final thoughts on defensiveness and recognizing and addressing his shame, reminding listeners that the betrayed partner is going to need time to get through healing.  

You can stop hurting her and that will help her healing process.

He reminds the betrayer’s job is to work through feelings of shame that may come as she is healing.  Work through them over and over and remember “it’s not always about me, it's about her hurting”.  Work to recognize that she is feeling hurt and speaking from the hurt and work to not get defensive. Remember:

It is worth it.

It gets better.

The first part is the hardest.

It’s not forever.

It is worth the fight and finding the next right thing to do.

Trusting that there will be another next right thing to do.

And focus on transitioning into living a healthy life for the rest of your life.

Erin, Becky, and Justin then share some thoughts from recovery friends about their personal experiences, including thoughts on honesty, responsibility, staying out of defensiveness, working the steps, staying out of victim, and supporting her going to The Healer.

Richard- God is grateful everytime you don’t give up.  Keep trying for the next right thing.

Justin- I can’t fix it, God Can, there are ways I can support her in her efforts to work with God to find healing.

Ways the Betrayer can help the Betrayed:

Start with God

Honesty- “Ridiculous Honesty!”

Empathy

Better Communication Patterns

Patience

Kindness

Language of Safety

Good group for the Betrayer to get support and celebrate progress with

Whenever possible, working with a knowledgeable therapist

(MANY MORE SUGGESTIONS ON THE EPISODE THAN COULD BE NOTED HERE…)

***Workbook- “Helping Her Heal” by Carol Juergensen Sheets- Great to help the Betrayer develop empathy and help the Betrayed.

Erin & Justin’s Song:  “All Things New” by Big Daddy Weave

“Our relationship wasn’t just fixed.  It is new.  God has made it new.”