Ep. 20- Becky's Story Revisited

Co-host Tiffany and special guest co-host, Beckie Hennessy, sit down with Becky, host of the Rise up Restored podcast, to revisit her story that she shared in the first episode. 

Becky loves traveling and road trips, reading, art, movies, and LOVES music.  She is almost finished with her Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and feels so very called by God in her work as a counselor.  Becky has been married for 20 years and is the mother of three teenage warrior daughters. 

Becky says she grew up in a very religious home where she tried hard to check all the boxes and please her parents but did not feel she had a strong relationship with God.

She shares that she met her husband in Driver’s Ed in high school. After a year of dating, he trusted her enough to tell her that he struggled with pornography. Even though she knew about this problem, she didn’t understand at the time how much it would eventually affect their lives. They continued to date and, after he served a mission for their church, they got engaged and married 7 weeks later.  

We were told by clergy to just get married and the porn problem will be resolved.

But it did not resolve.  Becky says things only got worse. Soon, her husband would take the car and be gone all day, acting out. She shares that she had no idea where he was or what he was doing.

It was almost like I was more lonely after marriage than before.

Becky shares that even though her husband was always honest with her about what he had been doing, she felt helpless, hopeless, and very alone. They would go to clergy to ask for support, but she says the advice to “just be nicer to him,” “smile more,” “put on more makeup,” and “have more sex” made things worse for Becky.

Becky says that because her foundation with God was more cultural and not internally very strong, she became angry and hopeless in her relationship with God and stopped attending her church. 

We spent a few years away from our faith because of the pain we were experiencing.

Becky explains that, “I’d been taught that you do everything you’re supposed to, you check those boxes, you put that medallion on, and then, boom, you’re good. If you do THIS, then you get THIS, no matter what.”

As much as she fiercely loved her husband, he was hurting her. “The two things in my mind weren’t making sense,” Becky says.  So, in order to stay as sane as she could, she says she had to set the spiritual stuff aside. 

My relationship with the Lord at that time was just an outcry. My prayers were a puddle of crying on the floor.

Becky shares that looking back, she can see that the Lord was there the whole time; but in the midst of that pain, she felt lost.  Becky explains that she had learned some false beliefs about needing to hustle for her worth. She had been taught growing up that “what you do equals how much you’re worth.”  Becky says, “So, if I was ‘BLANK enough,’ then he wouldn’t do this.  If I was kind enough, if I cooked enough, if I dressed this way, or if my hair looked this way, if I did the dishes enough, he would stop.”

Not one time did her husband tell her she wasn’t enough. But she heard that every time he acted out. It wasn’t about her, but she heard it was about her every single time.

Becky shares that she became severely depressed.  She says that one of her numbing behaviors to dull the pain was eating. The emotional eating spiraled out of control, and she shares she became morbidly obese. 

Becky says that when they moved to the Midwest about ten years into their marriage, they finally found a good therapist. For the first time, the therapist had enough training to know how to begin working with her husband and even (finally) do some work with her, as the betrayed spouse. 

When they moved back to Utah, Becky and her husband found a place that had even more specialized training. They told her husband: “We recognize it’s really hard for you to stop, so we want to give you tools to get through it.” This was the first time her husband’s behaviors were seen as an addiction.

Becky shares that another tool that was instrumental in her healing was the 12-step group SALifeline.  “There is something about sitting in a room with people who can understand,” she says.

The nature of this beast of betrayal trauma is isolating. That’s how Satan attacks the spouse: isolation.

It was in these 12-step meetings that Becky was pointed toward God. Becky explains that, “Before, God was this dude in the sky with a white beard and a robe.” But suddenly, she found herself asking Him:  “Who are You really? And who am I?”.   The shift was a slow process for her. She learned about who her Heavenly Parents are and that taught her who she really is.

I am enough and my husband’s actions aren’t a measurement of that.

Another healing resource for Becky was the Heart of a Woman Retreat.  She shares that it was a safe place where she started really digging into the pain and the hard and the trust issues with God.  She deeply explored the hard and painful questions that she had been avoiding for many years.

“What? God loves me? And He’s always there?”

During this time, and through working with therapists, Becky shares that she learned she didn’t have to use food as a protection anymore. “That year of ‘Breaking’ was ‘brutiful,’” she says, “but it started me on this journey.”  She has learned that this journey consists of “an unfolding” and is not about doing more. 

Becky shares that her best tool for healing is connecting with God.

God is the ultimate healer.

Becky says, “I asked the Lord, ‘What is it you want from me?’  I thought it was going to be a checklist, like praying more”.  But when she heard that whisper of “Let go” from the Lord, it was too scary at first. She shares that it took her time, healing, and trust in the Lord before she could give Him control.

The Lord said: “Put the control in my hand, I will take care of you. I’ve had it the whole time, but I’ll take it even more.” 

Becky shares how this leap of faith has helped her to learn to trust her Heavenly family. “We can rise up fully restored and I know with the Lord, we can all do it,” she says. “A lot of times we want to restore it to just what it looked like. But we can be restored to more. I believe that’s what the Lord wants for us.”

In the end, Becky reminds us that we were meant to be brave!

Becky’s Recovery Resources: 

Her Heavenly Family

Meditation 

Music

Specialized Therapy 

Supportive friends 

Heart of a Woman Retreat

“Not Today” by Hillsong United

Beckie Hennessy’s podcast: Living Through with Beckie Hennessy

Becky’s Song: 

“Brave” by Skillet