Ep. 35- Dating with Betrayal Trauma

Becky and Tiffany sit down with special guests, Anarie and Ali, to discuss dating with betrayal trauma. Tiffany, Ali, and Anarie have been single for various amounts of time, and all bring a wealth of understanding and perspective to the experience of dating after going through betrayal trauma.

When asked about how they prepared themselves to start dating after divorce, Anarie explains how she wanted to learn to be okay with being alone. She shares a quote from Bell Hooks: “Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape. Embrace solitude. Allow Divine Spirit to rebuild itself there.”

Ali expresses how she wanted to make sure she wasn’t dating to fill a void in her life. 

“I wanted dating to enhance my life, not BE my life,” Ali says. “I know God will catch me and hold me when things are painful.”

All three women received promptings from God that it was time for them to start dating. Becky reminds us to involve the Savior, and if it is important to us, the Savior will be there by our side. In addition, Anarie cautions against being so afraid of what could go wrong, that we don’t allow ourselves to see what could go right. 

The next question asked common pitfalls in dating after betrayal trauma. For Ali, struggling with her own self-worth was difficult. She explains how dating is really about getting to know ourselves. She asks us to remember that we are going to make mistakes, but we can give ourselves small victories and realize we’re growing.

Anarie shares how she wanted to fix all her problems before opening herself up for love after divorce. But Becky says that even though it’s hard when we’ve been hurt to give someone our trust, we can be firm in the knowledge that we are not perfect, and we still deserve love.

Tiffany shares how dating is challenging her belief system. She thought she was meant to be alone. However, she learned that people care about what she thinks and want to be around her. 

Brene Brown’s concept of foreboding joy is also discussed. Foreboding joy is our inability to experience joy because we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Becky then asks the women how they handle triggers and trauma responses during dating. Tiffany shares how she’s been surprised at how few triggers she’s had. Although any dishonesty from the men she dates is a big trigger, she’s also felt the power of the atonement in being able to see, after they’ve been honest about their struggles, the tangible healing that has taken place in these men.

For Ali, reaching out to ask for prayers from women who are safe has helped her handle the triggers. She urges us to trust in the people and resources that God has placed in our lives.

Anarie discusses how some of her triggers have helped her see places she needs to set boundaries. 

“It’s difficult to unpack what has just happened as being something that’s happening now or part of old wounds and projecting things into the situation that aren’t really there. Often it’s a combination of both,” Anarie says.

The women share how dating has brought up more grief, mourning, and loneliness for them. However, as Becky points out, it shows us our need for the Savior, as well.

Tiffany, Anarie, and Ali also share some practical tips about online dating, and about keeping yourself safe. Things like preparing a short, boundaried version of your story to share with those you date, meeting in public places, sharing your location with trusted friends, and driving your own car to the dates are all important. The bottom line is if someone we are looking to date is honest and accountable, it can feel safe to say, “I’m giving you a chance.” 

Finally, Becky asks: what does healing and recovery work look like when you’re no longer married to an addict?

Anarie shares how recovery looks much the same, but it’s easier now because she isn’t fighting for a certain outcome.  Ali explains that for a while, she’d lost herself in recovery and gotten stuck in the betrayal trauma world. Now, she has room to step back and reach out to people who understand her. Tiffany feels that divorce takes the couples’ aspect out of recovery and simplifies it a little, but staying in a marriage requires surrendering in different ways.

Above all, being as honest as you can be and giving yourself and whomever you’re dating an abundance of grace is critical when dating after betrayal trauma. Every kind of relationship can teach us something.

Tiffany shares:

“Have your people. It’s so good to have someone to check in with. Keep your people with you—they’re a gift.”

Dating Resources:

Leaning on the Lord

Boundaries

Safe Online Dating Practices

Honesty

Trusted friends to reach out to for support

RAINN - rainn.org - The Nation’s Largest Anti-Sexual Violence Organization

Rape Recovery Center - raperecoverycenter.org - To empower those victimized by sexual violence in Utah

Utah Coalition Against Sexual Assault - ucasa.org - Resources for Survivors https://www.ucasa.org/resources

This episode’s songs:

Anarie’s song:  Rachel Platten’s “Nothing Ever Happens”

Tiffany’s song:  Danny Gokey’s “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again”