Ep. 36- Q&A #4- Check-ins
/Members of the podcast team, Becky, Autumn, and Tiffany sit down together to talk about Check-ins and answer anonymous questions from listeners.
They begin the episode by discussing what check-ins are. Autumn shares that she and her husband Chris began checking in daily after his final disclosure. They wanted to work on communicating more. She shares that it helped to feel validated and seen. The areas that they choose to check-in with are: Physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, self-care, the Hand of God in their life that day, and financially. She says that they don’t check-in daily anymore but still make it a priority to check-in each Tuesday.
Becky shares that one thing she likes about check-ins is that “you can tweak it according to your needs”. She says there may be a feeling out there that a check-in has to look a specific way in order to “do it right”. There is not really a way you HAVE to do a check-in. Finding out what you are comfortable checking-on about is important. And check-ins can (and DO) change over time. It is about creating a safe space for everyone.
Tiffany feels like it is important to focus on what the intention of the check-in is- Trying to create safety or seeking better connection or learning to communicate with each other. Or a mix of many things.
It is important to be clear about the intent.
Tiffany shares that there may be fear that check-ins have to become about confession. If that’s your goal and that’s clear, it may not be as triggering. Knowing beforehand may help you be more prepared to hear about slips, relapses, etc… If you want it to be a connection place or a communication place, you may want to put the confession someplace else.
Having a time limit of check-ins can be very important because it can start to feel too heavy. Becky shares that to not slip into combing through details and rehashing everything. She says that putting a time limit really helped her avoid those things. Autumn shares that she tries to use just a one word description for her check-ins, with a simple description if needed, steering clear or words like “Good”, “Fine”, and “OK”.
Tiffany asks Becky how they started check-ins and what did that look like? Becky shares that she feels like check-ins often start when you start therapy or 12-step and people around them were talking about check-ins so they thought “I guess we will do this thing”. It started out really rocky. She says that they were not in the habit of talking and communicating in a healthy way and there was just disconnection.
It was hard at first. When you don’t have a lot of trust because of wounds, it can feel very scary to check in.
Becky says that they kept check-ins very gentle and low-key at first. Sometimes dropping out the sexual piece because she did not feel like she could talk about or even look at that part. She says that her husband was very understanding and just said Whatever you need and that helped create a safer space in their relationship.
Check-ins can be done with couples but Autumn reminds us that we are not our loved one’s sponsors. Not their accountability partners. Check-ins can clear the air, but not about accountability. She shared an experience when they were checking in daily and had heard enough! She told him, “I’m not your group of guys. Call your guys! You need to leave here from me, go call your guys, and figure your crap out! Utilize the tools that you have been given because you are not doing that”. She shares that check-ins looked a lot different after that.
Becky asks “How can you tell when it crosses the line from just checking in into dumping on you?”. Autumn reminds us that with the boundary that is already set up about what check-ins look like and the intention behind the check-in. Tiffany says that if it feels heavy or you get worked up, you know where the line is. Watching your own red flags is key. If you become triggered or resentful, then you have probably crossed the line.
If something in your check-in is not alright with you, change it!
Autumn also reminds us that the addict has that right, too. Being mindful of what their rights are, too. Check-ins are not a space to be bashing them. It takes practice. Practice makes progress. If you can catch bashing behavior early on, check-ins become a lot better.
Check-ins can also be done with others- a trusted friend, a safe person and group therapy check-ins can be important, too. They can help expand your emotional vocabulary and can also be an opportunity to learn to practice healthy communication. You can get into the habit of speaking for yourself, advocating for yourself, and sharing in safe spaces.
Tiffany talks about checking in with herself and shares that she loves daily check-ins and reminds us that it is not a perfect process. We do our best and that is enough.
I do 1% and God does 99%.
Pick out the things that you do and know that those efforts matter. Being vulnerable to say what you can and can’t do is a success. She shares another way she likes to check in. The 5 G’s: Good, Goal, Glitch, Gratitude, and God’s Hand
Listener question- “Is it ok to talk about triggers in your check-in?” Autumn feels it’s personal preference but you need to be on the same page. Sit down and talk about what you want check-ins to look like, both of you.
Tiffany shares that sometimes triggers are triggering. but it’s about how you handle it. She shares that when she was married and they checked in, trigger check-ins looked like this for them- “I did have a trigger today. I am handling it well, I am reaching out, and I just wanted you to know.” She says that felt so safe for her. Autumn also shares that some people write triggers down for a week and then they take them into therapy and talk about it with them. Becky reminds everyone to keep in mind that we are not accountability partner- we don't want to carry around or try to fix our loved ones triggers.
It is important to go back to the Intention you agreed about for your check-ins.
~Why are you talking about a trigger?
~Do you want to know a trigger because you want to manage it?
~Or does that addict need someone to lean on and help them get out of the trigger?
Keep in mind, that is what a sponsor is for, that’s what the addicts' friends and/or are for. Thinking about the intention behind it is what makes the biggest difference.
Listener question- “What if my husband is not willing to check in with me but he wants me to check in with him?”
~Tiffany shares that this goes back to vulnerability with me. There has to be give on both sides in a relationship like that. Both sides need to be trying.
~If you want your relationship to work out, Autumn says, there needs to be communication on both sides. I would look at that as a safety issue- maybe we aren’t where I thought we were. Maybe we need to discuss it with a therapist. There could be control issues going on: he is trying to control your recovery or you are trying to control his.
Becky says that being on the same page is important. Maybe one of you is not comfortable talking about sexuality but the other is, and you are both with that, you are on the same page. It is going to look different sometimes and there is give and take, but an imbalance shows a red flag. If the vulnerability is not there.
.Autumn also reminds us to really consider if you are in a place for check-ins. Not everyone is ready for check-ins. Start with yourself and see how that goes. Creating safety for both parties is really important. Sometimes we get angry and need to step away. and that can feel hard for addicts because they are just checking in like we ask them to. It is important to learn to take accountability for your check-ins. “This is something that I can handle better than I did.” There are times where you can’t handle it better than yelling and screaming. You do apologize for it. But there are times when you have a trauma response and you have to step away.
Check-ins are a model of connection. If you want a deeper connection, try checking in (whatever it needs to look like) regularly. Remember that it's not a perfect process and it’s not going to look great every time. We are doing it because we are practicing and learning. So, we’ve got to give a little more grace- to ourselves and loved ones.
We encourage you, when you feel ready, to try it!
Find out what works for you, with yourself, loved ones, and God.
Song chosen by Tiffany:
Prize Worth Fighting For by Jamie Kimmett
There are things worth fighting for. Coming to Jesus, taking up our cross every day, going to battle. We are fighting for connection and healing and it’s worth it.
Specific recovery resources:
Being on the same page of what to expect with check-ins
Knowing the intention behind the check-in
Vulnerability
Honesty
Boundaries
Ideas for check-in:
~Physically
~Emotionally
~Spiritually
~Sexually
~Self-care
~Financial
~Whatever area you feel you need...
5 G’s
Good
Goal
Glitch
Gratitude
God’s Hand
