Ep. 11- Jeni's Story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Jeni to share her story. Jeni grew up in Weatherford, Texas and is the oldest of ten children. She has six children and has been married for twenty years. She does voiceover work, and especially enjoys children’s book narration. 

Growing up, Jeni’s family was wonderful, but they didn’t really understand how to regulate their emotions. She realizes this is a common thing for that generation, but desires to be a “chain breaker.” She wants a better way for herself and her family, recently telling her son: “We’re changing this. It’s okay to show your emotions.”

Jeni’s journey with betrayal started soon after the wedding. Nine months after marrying her husband, Jeni found open emails that indicated he’d been involved in things that weren’t appropriate. She told him, “I love you. I forgive you. Go talk to the bishop and don’t ever do it again.”

I was expecting a quick fix.

But things were not at all resolved at that time. From then until seventeen and a half years into the marriage, things were hell. She continued to find pornography. She explains how she often didn’t even exactly know what the problem in her marriage was, just that she felt isolated and alone. Whenever she found something, she and her husband would go to the bishop. Their bishops were very good men, but they didn’t have knowledge or training on what to do.

Each time, their bishops’ inadequate and uninformed responses to her husband’s acting out, financial abuse, and anger issues led Jeni to spiral into despair and panic.

Jeni explains that even though things were incredibly difficult, she found solace in turning to the Lord. Finally, during one especially heartfelt prayer, she told Heavenly Father that she would do anything, whatever it took, to heal her marriage. Handing her will over to God allowed her to feel a distinct prompting.

The Lord said, “Help is now on its way. I will heal you in community.”

With a newfound feeling of hope, her relationship with God expanded. She spent hours on her knees during this time, and the Lord comforted her. “He helped me be patient. He told me we didn’t need to reinvent the wheel, as far as therapy went.”

Jeni and her husband became involved in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint’s Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) and a therapy program called Lifestar.

We had both Lifestar and ARP to help us with both the therapy side and the spiritual side.

It wasn’t until many years of this, and after her husband had given her a full disclosure, that she realized, “This is addiction.”

Even though the couple began addiction recovery in 2017, Jeni shares how there were many moments during this time where she felt this would just be her lot in life, and that nothing would change. She believed in her marriage covenant, so she felt trapped. 

But I realized that God doesn’t want us to be treated poorly. God himself uses boundaries.

It was boundaries that made the biggest shift in her life. Jeni says, “Boundaries can be such a foreign concept, but they let you know where one person ends and where the other begins. Without boundaries, you end up feeling like a doormat.” 

At one point, she felt extremely low. She was in public, so she said a prayer in her heart. Immediately, she began to think of things about herself that she had lost. She was reminded by God that those things were important to her and therefore, they were important to God. He loved her exactly the way she was.

It was then that she started to feel of her own worth. She started to feel that she was worth setting boundaries for. 

Jeni has been on this healing journey for herself for two-and-a-half years—which she feels is not long considering her husband has had a thirty-year addiction. She felt so alone for so long, and unfortunately, hasn’t found a lot of the kind of support she’s needed from family. 

A lot of times, you get support up front, but then it fades. They’re nervous about hurting you, so they don’t talk about it.

With betrayal trauma, it’s that sense of loneliness that is especially painful. A lot of Jeni’s trauma stems from feeling isolated. “I wasn’t isolated from God, but I was isolated from people.”

Earthly angels have provided the support she’s so desperately needed. She’s met many people in her journey that have helped her feel loved and validated. 

She’s also realized that although service is powerful and can be part of the healing process, it’s like the oxygen masks on the airplane: we have to put our own masks on first. We have to take care of ourselves first to then be able to serve others. She knows it’s also important to take the time to rest. She loves Psalm 46:10: 

Be still, and know that I am God.

Jeni reminds us that if we go too crazy and get too busy, we can’t be still. If we’re not still, we can’t hear the Lord very well. She’s found the greatest joy through worshipping her God during the hard times.

When asked how she found restoration through Christ, Jeni replies, “I’m still on that journey. But recently I prayed and asked God: ‘Am I always going to feel this trauma? Am I always going to be hijacked?’ Instantly, I felt the answer, ‘no.’

He’s done all these big miracles, so He can also heal me.

Jeni’s Recovery Resources:

Boundaries

Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) for Loved Ones- the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

LifeStar Program

Book: Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner

Book: Intimate Deception by Dr. Sheri Keffer

Trauma Inventory for Partners of Sex Addicts (TIPSA.Vs) Survey

Jeni’s Podcast: Betrayal Trauma SOS

Jeni’s Song: 

“So Will I” by Hillsong UNITED

Ep. 10- Roxanne's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Roxanne to share her story. Roxanne was born in Pleasanton, California. She grew up in a devout Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint home. She says her testimony was always there, but she learned in high school that she needed to work on it to help it grow.

She attended Ricks College in Rexburg, Idaho. In her third year there, she met her husband. When they were first married, she felt they had the best relationship. “I thought we were it. We didn’t struggle that first year like other people did.” She never considered he might have a problem with pornography.

Six months into the marriage, she discovered that her husband was using porn. It was devastating. Something happened inside of her at that moment, and she never could trust him again. They spoke with their bishop, who gave them church answers (scriptures, prayer, Family Home Evening, doing good things, etc.). Roxanne eventually found that although these things are helpful and important, unless a person really wants to stop, they’re not the answer for addressing pornography.

I was angry, stressed, and cried a lot.

Over the years, she continued to find pornography in the home. Yet, her husband was not forthcoming about what he was doing. She had great fear about what was happening inside her home, and often felt confused. She doubted herself a lot. But little by little, she gave these trials to the Lord through much prayer. Over time, it became easier to trust her intuition.

Having God on your side is a powerful foundation.

In February 2012, with a newfound sense of peace and calm, Roxanne told her husband she was no longer going to accept his excuses. She knew that he was, yet again, using porn and lying about it. This time, when they went to the bishop, he told them that her husband needed to do the 12-step program for four years because it takes three to five years to heal from addiction.

For a year and a half, they faithfully attended their weekly 12-step meetings--his were for addicts, hers were for betrayed wives. She felt they thrived in those meetings.

However, in 2013, things between them seemed to be getting worse. He again denied using porn.

That’s when God told me, “He’s not being honest with you.” 

Roxanne received this clear answer because she was building her relationship with Christ. She was praying all the time--constantly. She asked God, “What am I supposed to do today?” Learning to turn her life over to whatever it was, she was understanding how to be strong.

Finding his lost office key was the catalyst to her understanding just how bad things had gotten for her husband. She saw from his internet history on his work computer that he was sinking deeper into frightening levels of pornography. Deciding she would no longer do this by herself, she spoke for the first time with both his family and her family about his addiction. She also confronted him, and after attempting to manipulate and deceive, he broke down. It was a typical response for him: “He says he’s not. I find out anyway. He can no longer deny it, he cries, and then he says he’ll do better.”

They did another year of 12-step, and this time, they added counseling to help them. But soon, things were at an all-time low, with his mistreatment of her a clear red-flag that he’d relapsed.

She called in a prayer intervention to both families.

When confronted with his lies, he backpedaled, saying he wanted a divorce. But Roxanne allowed her faith to guide her every step, feeling she should wait and not engage or speak with him at that time. She even received a text from her brother:

Don’t worry. Angels are on their way.

Her husband chose to fight his addiction once again, this time entering a ninety-day, in-patient treatment program for sex addicts. Afterwards, Roxanne gave him one more year to work his recovery. They even moved so he could focus on this one thing: healing.

In one particularly difficult moment, and in agony over her husband’s continued choice to be dishonest, she saw his neckties. She felt angry that they hung there, organized and faking perfection--like her husband was doing. She cut them up with scissors, and then crumpled to the floor in despair.

Heavenly Father gets that we don’t always see the whole picture, and He’s okay with us being angry.

She had many moments when she allowed herself to process through the anger. She would go on drives to yell it out with God. It was only after the driving and yelling that she could hear Him. 

We can’t bring anything in if we’re already full; it’s all got to come out, and then we can receive.

 Nearly a year later, Roxanne knew in her heart that it was time to divorce. Sobriety and recovery are two very different things, and her husband might have been choosing the former, but not the latter. That’s when the spirit whispered, “you’re done.”

There have been twists and turns since the divorce, all of them acting as a bridge to her understanding and growth. She wrote a book about her experiences, and last year, she remarried. Roxanne and her husband are “choosing in,” meaning that they are willing to do the work it takes to build a healthy, happy life.

When asked about how Christ has restored her, Roxanne is quick to explain:

 Even though I have these wounds, Christ has made up the difference. Like Job, I’ve been given more than what was taken.

Rooxanne’s Recovery Resources:

12- Step Group

Prayers (including driving and yelling it out with God)

Free Women’s Group from WORTH

Book: Cutting Ties by Roxanne Kennedy Granata

Roxanne’s Podcast: Choose In

Roxanne’s Song:

“Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Daniel Gokey