Ep. 6- Marni's Story

Becky and Kristy sit down with Marni to hear her story.  Marni is a single mom to 4 children who is their biggest cheerleader and support.  She loves to read, be in the outdoors, exercise and self-care.  She likes to spend her time traveling with family and having lunch dates with her girlfriends.  

Marni shares that she grew up in a home that was healthy and normal.  Her parents’ marriage was one that was an example of what she wanted for her marriage when she grew up.  Marni talks about having a strong relationship with God growing up and that she had an understanding that she is a daughter of God.  When she was 15 years old, her mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 3 years later.  During that time, Marni shares it was a really hard time but she also saw lots of blessings- people serving her family and praying for them.  After her mom passed away, Marni says she had her first “yelling match” with God about the unfairness of the situation.  Through this, she came to understand thee atonement in her life and that Christ suffered for her so that He could understand what she was going through.  The Atonement didn’t only have to do with sinning.  These lessons really helped Marni later in her life as she has gone through other challenges.

The Atonement has to do with pain and loss, too.  

Marni believed that she was married to her best friend.  They were married for 21 years before she realized there were any major problems.  Marni’s husband traveled a lot for work and life was busy with 4 kids.  They were like 2 ships passing in the night.  Because of an injury that made her stop and look at her life, Marni had to sit and see it for what is was.  She confronted her husband about changing their marriage and they talked about adding date nights, maybe working on communication and connecting more.  Throughout their marriage, there had been small insignificant lies by her husband but after an insignificant lie she confronted him on, he texted her and told her he wanted a divorce. 

Marni shares that she felt hurt and didn’t understand why he felt the way he did.  She was shocked and didn’t know that it was that bad.  She felt like they had a really great family.  Marni felt like there must be something wrong with her that he couldn’t come and tell her the truth about small things.  Her husband didn’t want to go to couple’s marriage, but she found an individual therapist and worked with her for four months, every week.  She thought all of the marriage problems were her fault and, on her head, and her husband continued to let her take it all on her shoulders.

Then, Christmas morning early, Marni found her husband’s work phone in their bed.  She woke up and saw sexting and more from her husband to many other women he had been with.  Pictures and conversations.  She couldn’t believe it.  Marni shares that she thought her husband’s phone had been hacked.  She didn’t think he was capable of doing this, especially while she was setting up Christmas for their kids, he had just said prayers with her and just kissed her goodnight.   Marni shares that she thought they were doing better in their marriage and she became physically sick.  Her husband he woke up but then started texting the same woman again and then fell asleep.  It was confirmation that this was real.  That someone did not sneak in and steal his phone. 

This is when she knew it was real.

Marni talks about calling her therapist (on Christmas morning) who had suggested that her husband was a sex addict.  She didn’t understand all that that meant so she prayed for the strength to have Christmas morning with the children.  Later that day, Marni tried to give him a chance to come forward.  She told him she has to trust him and that she would like to start with a clean slate and her husband agreed but still did not come forward with the truth.  As Marni confronted him with the truth, he would not communicate.  He had nothing to say and stonewalled.  She shares that she told him he needed to move out and he started getting angry and yelling and lashing out.  When they said the children down together, her husband tried to blame Marni for what was going on to the kids so interrupted and he stopped him.  She shares that is was scary and confusing for their children, who had never seen their parents fight before.  Suddenly her husband was angry and mean. Marni says that the spirit of the home was in a fog.  And when her husband moved out, the feeling in the home was cleaner.  Pure.  She shares that there was a lot more clarity when he left.

The darkest time for Marni were when she saw her marriage and family falling apart and she thought it was all her fault.  She shares that at one point she was so low that as she was going on for a surgery, she didn’t want to wake up from it.  She wanted what was best for her children and she convinced that wasn’t her.  Looking back, Marni says that she recognized she wasn’t perfect, but she was able to see that the darkness in her marriage and family was coming because of what her husband was doing.  Again, when he saw Marni at her lowest points, he continued to encourage her to see that it was all her fault.  

It was soul destructive.

Marni shares that as she found out more and more, she started to recognize that even though her husband was telling her that he was still working on their marriage, he continued the relationships with other women.  She thought that they were working together on their marriage, but they weren’t.  He wasn’t working on it at all.  He just kept lying and lying.  And Marni shares that it kept hurting every time he lied to her.  She wondered WHY?  Why was he doing this?  She just wanted him to let her go.

It was devastating.  It flattened me out.

If you don’t want to be with me, just let me go.

During this time, Marni talks about feeling very numb and wondered where God had been this whole time.  What had been going on that He hadn’t saved her and her children from this pain.  Marni shares that she had always been very prayerful, especially for her children.  The Lord started to show her where He had been throughout her life.  She says that she could look back and see where God had protected her and the children.  Even if they couldn’t be fully protected from her husband’s agency.  She could see Him in her broken ankle that allowed her to slow down and see her life and marriage for what they really were.  Marni shares that this is what led her to talk to her husband, what led here to therapy, and then led her to letting people into her home to serve her and her children.  After her husband texted and telling her he wanted to divorce, The Lord helped Marni mentally prepare to live separately from her husband.  And this helped her prepare to accept the help from friends, where before she would not let help her before.

God knew she would need a safety net before she even knew she needed it.

Marni shares that there were little pieces of light in the middle of the dark.  There came so much clarity and understanding and moments of feeling like an answer to prayers, even though it was so hard.  Becky shared that “Clarity helps brings truth and light-- Truth brings so much light.  Even if it’s painful truth, it brings so much light.  Then you have the information to make decisions.”   Marni says she never believed that God would ever give her the answer to divorce her husband, but when He did, she followed His guidance.  She checked back with the Lord to make sure that is where He was guiding and would examine her intentions to makes sure she was in the right place. But He guided her to the right step for herself and her children. 

She knew that healing was possible for her husband and for the children and her, but she knew it just wasn’t going to be together.

Marni shares that the process of divorce, there was a whole flood of answers to prayers.  She says that if someone had mentioned divorced even a few weeks before, she couldn’t have even considered it.  But once she had that answer, she knew she would follow the Lord and act.   Once Marni was ready and willing to act, she says that little confirmations kept coming and coming throughout the whole process.  She says she couldn’t have figured all this out without with the Lord.  She shares that forgiveness is between her and God.  She knows He wants better for her and in forgiveness, her relationship with God is strengthened.

Marni says she is still working on trust.  She is working with her therapist to trust herself and a healthier way to trust others because she trusted other so much that she discounted her own insticnts.  She shares that knows her truth and that she felt spiritual experiences, even with her husband.  Because it was about HER truth with God, not her husband’s.

Seeking God’s truth is the most important thing.

I know that I can always trust God.

When I know I can’t trust anyone around me,

I know that I can trust that relationship.

Marni shares that she really has been restored through Christ.  She feels she is a work in process.  She has fallen to the ground and is being picked up and put back together.  She is rediscovering things about herself and has never had to be so dependent on God in her entire life.

The person that I am becoming out of this is a better version, through a Refiner’s Fire.  

I have been stuck in the fire, molded down, and now I am being shaped into something better.  

God, lead me where I need to go.  And to be brave enough.

Marni’s Recovery Resources:

Addiction Recovery Support Group for Spouses

Connection with other safe people

Learning what Betrayal Trauma is

Qualified therapist for Betrayal Trauma

Book- The Journey of Abandonment Healing by Susan Anderson

Book- The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu

Marni’s Song:

“Clean” by Taylor Swift