Ep. 11- Jeni's Story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Jeni to share her story. Jeni grew up in Weatherford, Texas and is the oldest of ten children. She has six children and has been married for twenty years. She does voiceover work, and especially enjoys children’s book narration. 

Growing up, Jeni’s family was wonderful, but they didn’t really understand how to regulate their emotions. She realizes this is a common thing for that generation, but desires to be a “chain breaker.” She wants a better way for herself and her family, recently telling her son: “We’re changing this. It’s okay to show your emotions.”

Jeni’s journey with betrayal started soon after the wedding. Nine months after marrying her husband, Jeni found open emails that indicated he’d been involved in things that weren’t appropriate. She told him, “I love you. I forgive you. Go talk to the bishop and don’t ever do it again.”

I was expecting a quick fix.

But things were not at all resolved at that time. From then until seventeen and a half years into the marriage, things were hell. She continued to find pornography. She explains how she often didn’t even exactly know what the problem in her marriage was, just that she felt isolated and alone. Whenever she found something, she and her husband would go to the bishop. Their bishops were very good men, but they didn’t have knowledge or training on what to do.

Each time, their bishops’ inadequate and uninformed responses to her husband’s acting out, financial abuse, and anger issues led Jeni to spiral into despair and panic.

Jeni explains that even though things were incredibly difficult, she found solace in turning to the Lord. Finally, during one especially heartfelt prayer, she told Heavenly Father that she would do anything, whatever it took, to heal her marriage. Handing her will over to God allowed her to feel a distinct prompting.

The Lord said, “Help is now on its way. I will heal you in community.”

With a newfound feeling of hope, her relationship with God expanded. She spent hours on her knees during this time, and the Lord comforted her. “He helped me be patient. He told me we didn’t need to reinvent the wheel, as far as therapy went.”

Jeni and her husband became involved in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint’s Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) and a therapy program called Lifestar.

We had both Lifestar and ARP to help us with both the therapy side and the spiritual side.

It wasn’t until many years of this, and after her husband had given her a full disclosure, that she realized, “This is addiction.”

Even though the couple began addiction recovery in 2017, Jeni shares how there were many moments during this time where she felt this would just be her lot in life, and that nothing would change. She believed in her marriage covenant, so she felt trapped. 

But I realized that God doesn’t want us to be treated poorly. God himself uses boundaries.

It was boundaries that made the biggest shift in her life. Jeni says, “Boundaries can be such a foreign concept, but they let you know where one person ends and where the other begins. Without boundaries, you end up feeling like a doormat.” 

At one point, she felt extremely low. She was in public, so she said a prayer in her heart. Immediately, she began to think of things about herself that she had lost. She was reminded by God that those things were important to her and therefore, they were important to God. He loved her exactly the way she was.

It was then that she started to feel of her own worth. She started to feel that she was worth setting boundaries for. 

Jeni has been on this healing journey for herself for two-and-a-half years—which she feels is not long considering her husband has had a thirty-year addiction. She felt so alone for so long, and unfortunately, hasn’t found a lot of the kind of support she’s needed from family. 

A lot of times, you get support up front, but then it fades. They’re nervous about hurting you, so they don’t talk about it.

With betrayal trauma, it’s that sense of loneliness that is especially painful. A lot of Jeni’s trauma stems from feeling isolated. “I wasn’t isolated from God, but I was isolated from people.”

Earthly angels have provided the support she’s so desperately needed. She’s met many people in her journey that have helped her feel loved and validated. 

She’s also realized that although service is powerful and can be part of the healing process, it’s like the oxygen masks on the airplane: we have to put our own masks on first. We have to take care of ourselves first to then be able to serve others. She knows it’s also important to take the time to rest. She loves Psalm 46:10: 

Be still, and know that I am God.

Jeni reminds us that if we go too crazy and get too busy, we can’t be still. If we’re not still, we can’t hear the Lord very well. She’s found the greatest joy through worshipping her God during the hard times.

When asked how she found restoration through Christ, Jeni replies, “I’m still on that journey. But recently I prayed and asked God: ‘Am I always going to feel this trauma? Am I always going to be hijacked?’ Instantly, I felt the answer, ‘no.’

He’s done all these big miracles, so He can also heal me.

Jeni’s Recovery Resources:

Boundaries

Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) for Loved Ones- the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

LifeStar Program

Book: Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner

Book: Intimate Deception by Dr. Sheri Keffer

Trauma Inventory for Partners of Sex Addicts (TIPSA.Vs) Survey

Jeni’s Podcast: Betrayal Trauma SOS

Jeni’s Song: 

“So Will I” by Hillsong UNITED