Ep. 19- Kristi's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Kristi to share her story. Kristi, a mother of three, works as an accountant. However, to feed her creative brain, she loves to go to yard sales and artistically refinish old furniture.

Kristi grew up in a small town in Utah. Her parents didn’t actively attend a church, but she remembers feeling, after going to Primary, that she wanted an eternal family. She loved the spirit in her grandparents’ home. As a teen, she became involved in Young Women’s, Girls Camp, and Seminary, where her leaders influenced her for good.

Kristi shares that she grew up six houses away from the man she would later marry. While he was on his mission, Kristi went away to college. However, during her college experience, she was sexually assaulted by someone from her church. “I felt like the Lord had turned His back on me,” she says.

I must not have been living right to not have the Spirit tell me the assault would happen.

Afraid and heartbroken, Kristi didn’t tell anyone. She tried to go back to normal college life but eventually could not continue and left college.  When her boyfriend came home from his mission, they got engaged the next night, and they were married four months later.

 “I didn’t say anything (about the assault) because I felt broken,” Kristi says. “I was finally going to have a home with a priesthood holder, and so I didn’t say anything. I’m the broken one, but it’s okay. I’m fine.”

Kristi shares that she took this belief with her into her marriage. “We had good times, but there were always times we struggled,” she says. “I blamed myself and my depression and eating disorder. ‘It’s me. I’m the reason we’re struggling.’”

Kristi explains that, over time, she and her husband were growing apart due to opposite work schedules and the demands of parenthood. She kept thinking there was something going on, but she didn’t know what it was.

I thought it was me, so I tried harder.

After fifteen years of marriage, Kristi says that she came home one day and her husband told her he wanted a divorce and that she needed to leave. Kristi shares that he refused her request for counseling and eventually served her divorce papers on the grounds that she was mentally ill.

Kristi shares that she internalized this false belief. During their painful and hard custody battle, a man her husband worked with came forward to inform Kristi about her husband’s infidelity. “Once he told me, things started coming together,” she says. The reality of the affair was really hard to face, but when Kristi looked back, things started to make sense. Soon, her husband’s pornography use came to light, as well.

 Kristi tells of her agony when she asked, “Where are you, God? You’re supposed to be protecting these babies.” She shares how she felt betrayed by her husband, and by God, and by this life she had worked so hard for. Kristi says she has major depression. And at this time she shares that she felt so alone.

I prayed, and it hit the ceiling and came back down.

Kristi explains that she stopped attending church because she felt if God wasn’t there for her, she wasn’t going to be there for Him.

Over the course of her marriage and divorce, she felt as though she had lost herself. She shares that before her divorce she had never made any adult decisions—she didn’t even have an opinion on her own life. However, over time, Kristi learned how to make decisions for herself and her children, with the help of great friends.  She shares she started to find strength.

I did a lot of healing.

But then, she developed cancer caused by a sexually transmitted disease from her ex-husband.  Kristi shares that she felt betrayed by her ex-husband, God, and her own body. “I felt like I was never going to be free.”

Three years ago, after surgery to treat her cancer, Kristi says she felt she needed to start over. She sold her home of eleven years and everything in it, and moved back to her hometown. She shares she began going to church again.

Becky shares that Kristi is such a faithful person. “You are the most faithful person,” Becky says. “You keep giving the Lord a chance. You keep trying. You don’t permanently turn your back on Him. You keep putting your hands out and saying, Lord, help thou my unbelief.”

Kristi explains that she wrestles a lot with her faith, but “I just can’t give up because if I give up, there’s nothing. So even though it feels like nothing a lot of the time, at least there’s a chance for something. And if I give up completely, there’s nothing.”

I can’t deny that the Lord has brought people into my life and that’s what I hold onto.

Last August, Kristi had her faith tested again when her cancer returned. Again, she asked, “Why am I having all these consequences for someone else’s actions?”.

Kristi shares how things turned around for her when she received a scholarship to attend the Heart of a Woman retreat in October 2019.  She says that she told God, “This is your last chance.”  She shares how just attending the retreat was a huge leap of faith because she hadn’t prayed in a long time.  The retreat was completely life-changing for Kristi. 

She shares that the first days of the retreat, she didn’t feel God, but then He showed up where she was at.   Kristi shares that God told her: “I have brought people into your life as a physical manifestation of my love.” According to Kristi, this message from God didn’t make it all okay. It didn’t make her healing journey complete, but she says it started her back on her path. 

“I needed to know that there was a path for me.”

Kristi shares that she always thought, “When I’m healed, I’m going to be completely different.” But now she understands that when she’s healed she’s going to be back to the person she was born as.  “I don’t have to be different or ‘complete’ to be healed,” she says.

She now knows there’s hope.

As Tiffany says, “Living without hope is not liveable. That little bit of hope keeps us moving.”  Kristi also shares that she recognizes her healing isn’t dependent on someone else fixing her or fixing the situation or taking accountability. She can still heal without that.

Kristi shares that the people who are surrounding her have been integral to her healing. “I feel very blessed from having so many people brought into my life,” she says.

Kristi shares that these friends seem to send texts, memes, and songs at the perfect time. They’ll pick her up and take her on an adventure. They accept her. They don’t push their faith or beliefs on her, allowing her to be where she’s at that day. They also give her tough love when she tells them that she can’t do it anymore. They tell her she did it yesterday and she can do it today.

Kristi’s Recovery Resources:

Not Giving Up on the Lord (even when you do, you come back)

Good Friends

Good Music

Heart of a Women Retreat

Kristi’s Song:

“It is Well” by Kristene DiMarco