Ep. 57- Candy's Story
/Becky and Autumn sit down with Candy to share her story. Candy was born and raised in Texas and loves diamond painting and being a mom. She has a passion for helping other women through betrayal trauma.
Candy shares how, as she grew up, she “always had a close relationship with God. I always knew when I needed comfort or an answer, I could just ask.”
She met her husband on a blind date and they’ve now been married for twenty years. About six years into the marriage, Candy realized she often noticed a “deer-in-the-headlights” look on her husband’s face when they would have conversations. She knew something was wrong but didn’t understand what.
One night, after a big argument, Candy’s husband told her he had a problem with pornography. She shares how she was disappointed and upset, but she initially didn’t see the link between their disconnect and fighting, and the porn.
Candy’s husband began attending Addiction Recovery Program meetings at their church, and, seeing that he was getting a lot of help, she soon joined the meetings for loved ones. During her first meeting, she saw someone she knew and felt scared. But she realized that person was there for the same reason.
Candy explains how her darkest times were after she and her husband began working on their problems in counseling. It was like therapy was uncovering all the “crud” she’d buried to protect herself.
“I was barely making it through the day. Anything that someone said to me that I didn’t agree with, I had to almost bite my tongue in half to avoid lashing out.”
Candy reflects on how she didn’t trust herself, her own judgments, or her own decisions. “Satan puts shame on the person who isn’t responsible,” she says. However, eventually, she decided to refocus on her healing. “[I decided] I can’t continue being in such a bad mood. I have a little boy who needs my attention. I can’t keep going the way that I am.” So, she attended Sunday night ARP meetings, and then Tuesday counseling, and thought “Now I can make it from Tuesday to Sunday.”
“Once I realized and really took in that [my husband’s pornography use] had nothing to do with me, everything was his decision, nothing I did would have changed anything, I thought, ‘Oh yeah, I need healing.’”
Candy describes the hurt, depression and deep despair she has felt.
“You got stunned by a stun gun and you don’t know where to go. But once I jolted back, then I thought, ‘Go where you always go, that’s where you need to be.’”
Candy knew that where she needed to be was with God. Additionally, both support groups and the right therapist were also vital pieces to her healing because they served different purposes.
Another gamechanger for Candy was learning about the brain science behind addiction. “Addiction totally numbs them,” Candy says. This is why addicts often don’t have empathy and can feel completely numb. There is a void there—a missing piece—that porn sometimes fills, but it’s a very superficial, numbing answer. To learn that can all be rewired with a lot of work really helped Candy. “The most important thing to know is that this can be undone,” she says.
During the hard times, Candy shares that she remembers what someone in group told her:
“God can take everything.”
Candy realizes that “God can take the plans I had for my husband that weren’t His plan and can change it for the good. Slowly but surely, I’ve realized I have to pray to get better. Once I realized all the work I had to do, it seemed so daunting. But I started working and going to God.”
When asked what part God has played in her healing, Candy says:
“I know [God] is there and no matter what, I have Him to go to. His answer really is what I need. I can’t imagine doing this whole rollercoaster of emotions without Him.”
Candy’s Healing Resources:
Counseling- Even if your spouse isn’t willing to go. Go for your own peace of mind. They will give you tools.
Find your tribe (a support group)
Candy’s Song: Come Unto Christ by Calee Reed
With a special mention of “I am Enough” also by Calee Reed
