Ep. 42- Is It Me?

Becky, Autumn, and Tiffany sit down to discuss one of the biggest questions they get- “Is It Me?”.  They share that many people they talk to have these worries that their loved one’s behavior is their fault or that they caused it.  And they share that they each felt that way for a long time.

So, did we cause this?  Becky says emphatically, “NO!”.

Podcast over, right?  Just kidding.

Autumn says that there is more to it than that.  Many people wonder what they could have done differently to make him not act out is very common.  They think, “maybe if the house was cleaner or the kids were quieter or I was more patient or we had sex more, he wouldn’t go act out”.  The list goes on and on.

Tiffany shares that often many people wonder, “What did I do to deserve this?” and that is a deep and painful question.

Becky asks how everyone found the answer to the questions “Is It Me?”.  Autumn shares that 18 mos into therapy, her therapist asked, 

You know that this is not you, right? 

She did not know that.  She shares that she still has it sometimes come up that maybe she caused different life experiences.  Becky asked Autumn if she believed the therapist when he asked that.  She said to him, “I kind of don’t believe you”.  She really felt like a big piece of her husband’s acting out was her. 

Tiffany says that she didn’t dare ask the question and that it took someone looking at her and telling her that it wasn’t her to shatter her heart open to examine the question.  Becky says that in some ways it was easier for her to think that it was her because then she could establish a battle plan to fix it.  So, she cleaned the house or helped the kids be quiet but she shares that her husband often didn’t ask her to do those things.  

Gaslighting is something that often happens in these circumstances.  It may not always be intentional, but it is still gaslighting.  Autumn shares a personal experience when her husband was vilifying her to others while he was acting out.

Gaslighting leads to you believing that it is your fault, because often there is evidence provided, so you just start accepting that it IS you.

Becky reminds us that often the person struggling with the out of control behavior will do and say whatever they need to to continue in their behavior, even if that is gaslighting.  Autumn gives the example that as a young mom you are tired.  Tired of being touched all day and you may not feel like having sex.  And then you find out about his acting out and you say to yourself, “That’s why.  It’s because I was not providing sex.”  But it wasn’t about you.

Truthfully, most addicts had unhealthy patterns and behaviors WAY before they met you.

Often these patterns and behaviors begin in childhood and teenage years.

Tiffany shares that it is so important to recognize and identify what is ours and what is not.  She reminds us that we don’t have control or choice over anyone’s behavior.  Even if you are a witch or too tired to have sex.  “None of those things give you responsibility over someone else’s actions”.  “1000%”, Autumn says.

Becky shares that there may be lots of reasons why you are having a hard time or that he may be having a hard time, but at no point are we responsible for other people’s behavior.  We have an influence on each other and it’s important to recognize that.

But we are NOT responsible for other people’s choices.

We are NOT!

And nothing changes that.

Becky shares that her healing accelerated when she allowed the Lord to take it off my shoulders.

When I allowed the Lord to take it off my shoulders and let it rest on my husband’s shoulders where it rested, I was able to really start healing.

All three hosts agree that holding on to, and taking responsibility for, their loved ones acting out and behaviors really slowed down their healing.

Tiffany asks how we can work on our own stuff if it is covered up by other’s stuff.  “How is he going to work on his stuff if I am holding it?”  We give that back and then we can work on ourselves.

Becky shares that we can do things to improve our relationships with our loved ones but that doesn’t mean we are responsible for their actions.  She says that two things that made a difference in her marriage and created a more solid foundation are responsibility and accountability in this process.

What am I responsible for, what is he responsible for, and where there is overlap when you are in a relationship?

Tiff shares that honesty was a huge key for her.  She says it can feel scary to be honest and “I was a liar”.  But I was truly doing the best I could at that time.  She says that learning to express herself was important but can be so hard in an unsafe environment.  Autumn shares that a key for her was learning body regulation  She says that it has helped her calm down, get clarity and say what she needs to say.  When she was in Fight, Flight or Freeze, she was not able to express herself.  She says grounding, calming, breathing, meditation, and taking a break make all the difference for her.  

Becky then brought up and spoke against the idea of “Collusion”- the concept that loved ones of addicts are conspiring, whether consciously or unconsciously, to keep the addict in their addiction.  She feels this concept discounts trauma and trauma responses.  She says that 

If you ever hear that you are responsible for your loved one’s addiction, 

I give you permission to throw that in the garbage!

Autumn expressed disbelief at the concept.  “Who doesn’t want their loved one to get better?”.  We wanted our loved ones to get better.  We wanted it so badly that we were trying to control everything and fix everything for them until we realized they needed to take care of this.

The team shared the importance of learning what you are responsible for, boundaries, self-compassion, creating your own safety, and fighting for yourself!  Tiffany shared that her therapist asked her what support she had in her life.  She said, “Uhhhhh God?”.  “YOU”, he answered.  

“YOU show up for YOU!”

The hosts closed out the podcast with the reminder that the most important thing to do was to focus on “Keeping God at your Center”.  Becky shares that this concept that she learned in 12-step helped her let go of her husband and take care of herself.

To end the podcast, Becky issued a challenge- Everyone examine what is your responsibility, where is your accountability.  And where does that stop?  Where is that line?  

It’s not you.  

You didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it.  

So put it in the Lord’s hands and do your own work.

The Whole Team’s Song Choice:

Who You Say I Am by Hillsong Worship

~We are a all a Child of God and He loves us. And He is going to show up for us.

Specific recovery resources:

Boundaries

Recognizing Personal Responsibility

Recognizing Personal Accountability

Creating You Own Safety

Grounding techniques

You showing up for YOU!