Ep. 48- Let's Talk About Shame

Hosts Becky, Autumn, and Tiffany sit down to discuss the hot topic of Shame and how it relates to betrayed loved ones.  Often shame is the focus of the recovery process with addicts but it is rarely brought up with betrayed loved ones in their healing process.  Becky shares that  

Nobody asked me about MY shame.  Nobody.

Autumn and Tiffany both agreed that no one said much about shame and that besides in therapy, Autumn has only ever talked with her husband about the shame that she has felt.  Why is shame such a taboo topic?  Why can’t we talk about it more?  Well, we can and are going to start talking about it today!

Becky shares a thought by Shame Researcher Brene Brown: 

Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.

Autumn simplifies the definition by to- Guilt is “I did something bad” vs Shame is “I am something bad”.  Or “I made a mistake” vs “I am a mistake”.

Because shame isn’t helpful or productive and it often can lead to destructive, hurtful behavior. This makes sense how it plays into the addictive cycle.  So, where does that leave us?  The betrayed loved one?  What does that mean for us?  We know that everyone feels shame and we may not recognize we are feeling the shame until later.

The hosts share some examples of shame they have each experienced.  Tiffany shares that addicts are not the only ones who have harmful behaviors and that her shame led to isolation, depression, anxiety, and more.  She also shares that she felt embarrassed and didn’t want to tell anyone because she didn’t want her husband to be judged.  “But I felt like I had done something wrong but I didn’t know what to do about it.  I definitely felt shame in MYSELF for the situation that was outside of myself. And I had no idea what to do with that.”

Autumn says that shame led to a lot of her faulty core beliefs. “You’re not good enough. You aren’t pretty enough.  You deserve this because of XYZ… You did this, so now you get XYZ done to you.”  She recently read a list recently that helped her realize areas where shame can show up:

~Shame that isn’t yours to carry

~Shame for something that was done TO you

~Shame about someone else’s actions

~Shame due to stigma or prejudice

~Shame resulting in someone else’s judgment

~Shame for having different values than someone else

~Shame because you said no or set a boundary

~Shame that was passed down to you by family

~Shame about your emotional needs

~Shame for struggling or needing support

~Shame that is a conditioned response from early life

She shares that this list struck her deeply and that core beliefs from childhood formed around many of these things.  And many of these things came right back up with her husband’s addiction.  

Becky says she really felt a lot of embarrassment around her husband’s addiction, wondering, “Why did I choose him?  Why didn’t I know better?  Why didn’t I choose better?”.  She hears from many women the question of, “Why did I stay?”.  The hosts ALL share that they have asked themselves that question.  Autumn say that then her negative core belief would come up- “Oh see, you are stupid”.  Toxic shame keeps us down.

Tiffany shares her thought about the destructive nature of shame, Satan goes to shame first, just like he did with Adam and Eve in the garden:

There is no healing, no progress, no light, in shame.  It is one of Satan’s biggest tools. 

Becky reminds us that if we are feeling shame, that is Satan.  She believes that 

God does not shame and if you feel that, it is not from God.

The hosts discuss how shame and guilt feel different in their bodies, including feeling embarrassment, feeling snappy, and many other things.  One of the biggest things they have all experienced is the draw to isolate and turn inward and away from others:  

Whenever something crops up and I feel the need to isolate, I know it is shame I am feeling.

Feelings of guilt feel different in our bodies- Becky shares that guilt is more likely to lead her to act and make changes instead of shutting down and Tiffany says that she is more likely to talk about guilt than shame.

It can be so important to learn where your shame stems from and what are the factors around the shame.  As adults, we need to learn about guilt and shame in ourselves so that we can help our kids learn these things, too.  When we know better, we do better.

The hosts share areas that they struggle with shame- Becky shares that she has felt shame about allowing her husband to treat her with anger and anger with their children.  “That is something I swore I would never allow in my home.”  Autumn says she continues to deal with body shame.  She says she has a ton of shame around, “Am i good enough for him, Do I look well enough for him?  Am I presentable enough for him?  Am i being sexual enough for him.”  Many people wonder “Why didn’t I speak up sooner?  Why didn’t I set boundaries sooner?”.  And Tiffany shares that she has felt shame about making herself an object to please or appease her partner.  

“Secrets keep us sick”

Shame can infiltrate everything and that is why we wanted to talk about it.  

Both people in the relationship need to be working on themselves so we can both get better.  We all need to talk about our shame, even though it can feel hard.  Sometimes we have felt “ashamed of our shame”.  Becky reminds us all that things that are hard and most vulnerable are just where Satan wants to slide the shame right in. 

Satan is such a jerk and knows each of us so well that he tailors our shame to our situation.  

You may tackle something and feel pretty settled about it and then Satan comes in and brings another thing to feel ashamed about.

Autumn shares that motherhood and being a daughter is something affected by shame for her and Tiffany says that dating relationships is where he slips shame in for her.  She also shares that she has shame about having pain and past experiences.  Becky says that the shame about being wounded activates in her. “You are too wounded.  You are too broken.  You are too GONE to fix.”  And that sometimes talking about history brings up shame for her.

The hosts remind us that shame is really personal to each of us but also general to everyone and we can relate to each other about shame.  Talking about shame brings light to this subject.

We all battle shame.

How do you guys fight Satan and shame?  The hosts share their thoughts on self-compassion, trauma clearing in the body, and honoring our feelings.  Keeping in mind that shame can come from any and all feelings, including happy and joyful ones and to be gentle with ourselves and others as they navigate shame that comes up.

Let’s speak our shame.  Let’s talk about it!

The hosts share that they each have a lot of work to continue doing.  This is just the first step.  If we keep it hidden or dark, those lies will just fester.  They remind us all that shame is something that everyone has in one area or another. 

It is important that we all talk about shame and work on it, not just addicts.

Team’s Shame-fighting Resources:

Self-compassion

Reaching out to God and others

Listening to and honoring your body

Taking lies to the Lord to learn the truth

Speaking truth into Satan’s lies

Team’s Song:

Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams

This song talks about the lies and shame from Satan that that cause us to shut down and withdraw.