Ep. 74- Remarrying with Betrayal Trauma

Becky sits down with Ali and Tiffany to share their experiences of remarriage after experiencing betrayal trauma in a previous marriage. Both Ali, a mother of two, and Tiffany, a mother of five, were married more than fifteen years before divorcing. They, along with their new husbands, have been navigating the complexities of blending families, with children ranging from ages 13 to 23. Both women answer questions about the challenges and joys of remarriage after betrayal trauma and divorce.

Throughout the conversation, both women reflect on the importance of healing before diving into remarriage. Tiffany shares that she learned to observe her own behaviors, recognizing her emotional responses to situations. Ali agrees, stating that dating after divorce is really about getting to know yourself and your needs. Both women learned to identify red flags and green flags in relationships and how their perceptions have been influenced by the trauma they’ve experienced.

Did betrayal trauma impact dating and marriage? And if so, in what ways?

Tiffany describes how moments of sincere love from her new husband, such as him crying over a simple gesture like making a peanut butter sandwich, triggered deep emotional responses. These acts of care were healing for both Tiffany and her husband. Ali shares that, despite years of self-work, she still experienced triggers, especially when men she dated didn’t hold space for her emotions as she needed. She was impressed when she felt safe enough and free enough to show a wide range of emotions with her current husband. “You’ve brought so much healing to me, I can start replacing some of those negative things and believe it,” Ali said to her current husband.

How did you know it was right to get remarried?

Ali explains that she received a spiritual impression encouraging her to date again, even though it wasn’t something she felt ready for at first. After meeting her new husband, she felt an assurance to proceed because it felt natural and not so much work. Tiffany’s decision to remarry was guided by her husband’s comforting words and actions, which consistently spoke to her heart and reassured her of his commitment. Tiffany explains, “He wanted to attend the temple together, he wanted to pray together. My heart was softened and softened.”

Do you feel like you’re able to trust your husband now?

Ali shares that her therapist explains that trust is built when a partner shows up authentically in their current self, not as their inner child—the younger parts of themselves. With her new husband, she feels she can trust him because she sees how he’s invested in growing himself and their relationship. Tiffany discusses how trust grew when her husband created a safe environment where she didn’t have to defend herself or constantly worry. “He has given me every reason to believe he will never intentionally deceive me…I trust him with my heart,” Tiffany says.

Do you have any insights on the beauty and challenges of blending families?

Tiffany emphasizes how miraculous and “brutiful” the process of blending their families has been. Ali explains how challenging it’s been to actually practice and utilize relationship skills she’s been learning all along. She shares how having somebody who engages in relationship building has required vulnerability on her part. Becky adds that she can see that “Love is there, and it’s hard.”

Can you talk about resources you’ve used to take care of yourself and your relationship?

Tiffany discusses the importance of therapy, maintaining self-care, including taking regular breaks from parenting to focus on the relationship. “Do not shelf yourself in remarriage,” Tiffany admonishes. Ali also underscores the significance of personal and couples therapy and prioritizing her relationship, even while raising children. Through their stories, Ali and Tiffany offer hope, showing that while the journey through remarriage after divorce can be challenging, it can also be incredibly healing and transformative.

Becky wraps up the episode by reminding us that “There is beauty in whatever your journey looks like.”

Tiffany’s recommended resources and advice:

Therapy 

Dates and weekends away 

All the self-care things like hiking 

Do not shelf yourself

Really prioritize the things that matter to you

Ali’s recommended resources and advice: 

*Therapy (couples and individual)

*Try to maintain the things that are important to you, like friendships and your marriage

*Keep working on believing in and loving yourself, and not needing someone else to validate you

Song- “The Breakup Song” by Francesca Battistelli