Ep. 59- Andi's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Andi to share her story. Andi was born and raised in North Carolina and currently lives in Georgia. She loves nature, family, college basketball, going on cruises, reading, dark chocolate, and Disneyworld.

Andi shares that she’s always known about God’s love because her mother and grandmothers were very spiritual and taught her about Him.

She shares how she met her husband in college at the age of 18 at a church function for young adults. They eventually had a long-distance relationship, during which he disclosed his pornography addiction. “In my youth, I didn’t have the wherewithal to think too much about it, and church leaders said when you get married, it wouldn’t be a problem anymore,” Andi says.

However, after the wedding, it didn’t take very long for Andi to get the sense that the porn use was still going on. The health problems and eventual death of their first child when he was a baby was all-consuming, so porn wasn’t something she could think about at that time.

Over time, Andi shares that they did try marriage counseling because: 

I could tell he loved me and didn’t love me at the same time.

But she still struggled with feeling like she wasn’t enough. Their family grew and there were good times and bad times. Andi explains how her husband was the most generous, magnanimous, fun person…until he wasn’t. He had a lot of up and down emotions.

Andi describes how she was mostly alone in this betrayal trauma battle—only a couple of family members knew about her husband’s porn use. 

I had God and the scriptures. I felt the Lord speaking to me through the scriptures…it’s where I went because there was nowhere else to go.

Andi explains the overcompensation that she engaged in to survive. “I’m naturally a worrier,” she says. “If he’s up and down, then I needed to be steady for the kids…I fought hard to stay even keeled in my emotions…I wasn’t allowed to have a bad day.”

However, this was taking a toll, as, Andi shares, she started having anxiety attacks. And about twenty years into their marriage, she experienced the heaviest darkness when she found her husband masturbating in front of the computer, where there was great risk that one of the kids could have possibly seen what was going on. This, and other alarming behaviors, caused her to set some boundaries.

At the end of that summer, I wasn’t willing to live that way anymore. I said, “You don’t treat me horribly, but you don’t treat me good, either. I deserve to be treated better.” When I told him, “I’m done,” he was surprised.

Andi describes their third round of counseling at this time. The counselor asked her not to make a decision about whether or not to stay together quite yet. He asked her to sit on the decision for a while. He explained other important concepts, like the fact that her husband’s addiction was taking up all his energy, leaving him with little left for her. He also helped her understand that she didn’t have to forgive him right now.

This gave Andi permission to take a deep breath. 

We planned a vacation and I told him he couldn’t come because I needed to relax, and I couldn’t relax with him there. 

Becky and Tiffany share how this shows she had enough awareness to ask for what she needed because a boundary is not about punishing the other person, it’s about taking care of yourself.

Things began to shift for Andi when her husband did a full disclosure with their therapist and began attending the Addiction Recovery Program. Through these things, she noticed some changes in her husband, like he wasn’t as negative or ornery. Andi shares how he was more emotionally available with the kids. This gave her hope.

I’m willing to work with someone who’s actually working.

Andi shares that her biggest gamechangers in finding hope was realizing it wasn’t about her. “I came to understand that I didn’t cause it. I can’t fix it. He has had this addiction since he was 10.” She says the biggest “aha” moment for her was choosing not to be a victim anymore, but to be empowered to step into her own strength and recovery. 

I trusted God even more. I knew He’d gotten me through everything in my life thus far and that He could get me through the next step. He would hold my hand. If it was with my husband, or not with my husband, God would be there.

Andi describes that now, all these years later, her recovery has been absorbed into her lifestyle by taking it one day at a time. “The more I know, the more I don’t know,” she says. However, when asked how she’s finding restoration through Christ, she says, “The same way I’ve been finding it for the last 60 years. I feel uninspired until I spend my mornings with Him. I read the scriptures, a daily devotional book, then I listen to a piece of a podcast every morning. I also go for walks…I see God in the trees all the time.”

The Lord was always there for me. He was there the whole time.

Andi’s Best Recovery Resources:

Addiction Recovery Program

Reading recovery books

“Heart of a Woman” retreat

Music

The movie, The Shack

Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke (book)

The SALifeline Conference

Andi’s Song:  “Stand in Holy Places” by Jenny Frogley