Ep. 18- Q&A with Beckie Hennessy- Therapists and coaches, Full therapeutic disclosure, and Working with clergy

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Beckie Hennessy, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, to answer anonymous questions about betrayal trauma, submitted by listeners. Beckie has been a therapist since 2007 and owns her own practice, BRICKS Family Counseling . She lives in West Valley City, Utah with her husband of 16 years and their three kids. Beckie is an APSATS (Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists) CCPS-C (Certified Clinical Partner Specialist Candidate) and is focused on providing partner-sensitive therapy and support.

Question #1:  “What is the difference between a therapist and a coach, and how do they function differently?”

Beckie is both a therapist and does some coaching.  She explains that therapists treat and coaches support. Therapists can deal with the past, present, and future, but coaches deal with the present and future. She believes one can absolutely have both a coach and a therapist--both can play a vital role in your healing process.

“I often refer my therapy clients to coaches,” Beckie says, explaining that they can fill in the gaps to offer more support than she might be able to give. For example, she only sees her clients once a week and doesn’t currently offer group therapy, so a coach could step in and supplement by giving more session time or running groups.

Beckie shares that, “the most important thing (in deciding which one to have) is your connection with your coach or therapist.” 

She believes it’s vital to ask therapists if they are licensed and if so, in which state. Vetting coaches is also important. “Ask coaches what kind of training or certification they have and what they specialize in,” she says.

She shares that if you ask the coach or therapist if they are trauma informed and partner sensitive and they don’t know what you mean, they’re probably not a good fit for you. Other ways to vet the therapist or coach are to interview them (through phone or email), listen to podcasts they may have been on, and do research online.

“If you’ve been betrayed, there is trauma. If you have an addiction, there is something that needs to be discovered from the past. While you can have a coach help support you in the entire process, at some juncture, you’re going to need a therapist to deal with healing from those wounds.”

Question #2: “What is full therapeutic disclosure?”

Beckie explains that a full therapeutic disclosure is a full history of the sexual behaviors and encounters given in a therapeutic setting. It is structured and is facilitated by a trained professional. It outlines the full extent of what has happened and the damage that may have been created. A full disclosure is factual and doesn’t have unnecessary details. “It gives you timeframes and references to what was going on,” Beckie shares. “Both the individual who has the addiction and the betrayed must prepare for it.”

She encourages partners interested in asking for a disclosure to research everything that’s available from Dan Drake, calling him the guru of therapeutic disclosures. 

Beckie clarifies that a disclosure doesn’t include emotions, excuses or perceptions. It’s not a situation for shame, blame, or gaslighting. It’s not an interrogation of the person disclosing. Rather, it is an opportunity for the couple to have a baseline of truth. “It gets it all out onto the table, which allows you to know what it is that you’re dealing with,” Beckie explains. “It allows for the partner who’s been betrayed to have consent. For instance, ‘do I want to go out of town and leave you alone with the kids, knowing what I know? Do I want to go to that swim party?’” 

“It doesn’t prevent slips or relapses,” Beckie adds. “It’s a baseline. Now we can start rebuilding. There’s everything in the past, now I know.”

Full, therapeutic disclosures help you know and begin to process the truth. Becky Ruff reminds us that “truth is something that is owed to everyone.” “You can work with truth,” Tiffany adds. 

The goal of disclosure is partner sensitive healing. “Disclosure is for the partner,” Beckie shares. “Yes, it’s important for the addict as well. But it’s for the partner to be able to make informed decisions.”

If the addict puts it all out there and the partner chooses to stay, that’s powerful for healing and for the relationship.

Question #3: “What do we do if clergy is not supportive? What if clergy tries to minimize what has happened or tries to push the partner to forgive early on?”

Beckie shares how we can choose how to respond to this situation. We can either “call out or call in” the clergy.

Beckie shares that calling out looks like this: “That was not okay. Period. The end.”  Then she says, “It’s when you say, ‘I don’t have the energy or mind space to go there with you and to educate you. But I’m going to let you know that what was said was not okay.’”  Becky Ruff shares that she has needed to do that and asks if it’s ok to “call out”.  Beckie explains that in these situations, you have permission to just call out and get out of there. You can say, “I disagree” and then walk away. This is for when your radar is going off and you don’t feel safe. 

In contrast, calling in looks like: educating clergy or connecting them to resources that can educate them. You can say things like, “With the information that you have, I can see how you would feel that way. Here’s what I’ve discovered. Or here’s what I’ve noticed for me. Or this is what’s made sense as I’ve visited with my therapist.”

Beckie urges that if you’re in an emotional space where you can call them in, then do it. But we get to decide if this is a call out or a call in.

“Clergy doesn’t know what they don’t know,” Beckie explains. “They didn’t train for this. A few clergy just dig in and don’t accept what you’re saying. If this happens, take care of yourself.”

Employing and enforcing strong boundaries applies to clergy, as well as all of the relationships in our lives. 

Beckie reminds us that it’s important to remember that the clergy’s reaction isn’t a reflection of how God feels—our relationships with God are direct.

Becky, Tiffany, and Beckie assert that it’s not our job to navigate whether or not someone else feels bad about something. It’s our job to know what we need.

Beckie Hennessy’s Recovery Resources:

Boundaries

Self-Care

Dan Drake’s resources on full therapeutic disclosures

Applying the “God Filter” to everything

“First Name Basis” Podcast

Beckie Hennessy’s Podcast: “Living Through”

Beckie Hennessy’s Song:

“Fix You” by Coldplay