Ep. 35- Dating with Betrayal Trauma

Becky and Tiffany sit down with special guests, Anarie and Ali, to discuss dating with betrayal trauma. Tiffany, Ali, and Anarie have been single for various amounts of time, and all bring a wealth of understanding and perspective to the experience of dating after going through betrayal trauma.

When asked about how they prepared themselves to start dating after divorce, Anarie explains how she wanted to learn to be okay with being alone. She shares a quote from Bell Hooks: “Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape. Embrace solitude. Allow Divine Spirit to rebuild itself there.”

Ali expresses how she wanted to make sure she wasn’t dating to fill a void in her life. 

“I wanted dating to enhance my life, not BE my life,” Ali says. “I know God will catch me and hold me when things are painful.”

All three women received promptings from God that it was time for them to start dating. Becky reminds us to involve the Savior, and if it is important to us, the Savior will be there by our side. In addition, Anarie cautions against being so afraid of what could go wrong, that we don’t allow ourselves to see what could go right. 

The next question asked common pitfalls in dating after betrayal trauma. For Ali, struggling with her own self-worth was difficult. She explains how dating is really about getting to know ourselves. She asks us to remember that we are going to make mistakes, but we can give ourselves small victories and realize we’re growing.

Anarie shares how she wanted to fix all her problems before opening herself up for love after divorce. But Becky says that even though it’s hard when we’ve been hurt to give someone our trust, we can be firm in the knowledge that we are not perfect, and we still deserve love.

Tiffany shares how dating is challenging her belief system. She thought she was meant to be alone. However, she learned that people care about what she thinks and want to be around her. 

Brene Brown’s concept of foreboding joy is also discussed. Foreboding joy is our inability to experience joy because we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Becky then asks the women how they handle triggers and trauma responses during dating. Tiffany shares how she’s been surprised at how few triggers she’s had. Although any dishonesty from the men she dates is a big trigger, she’s also felt the power of the atonement in being able to see, after they’ve been honest about their struggles, the tangible healing that has taken place in these men.

For Ali, reaching out to ask for prayers from women who are safe has helped her handle the triggers. She urges us to trust in the people and resources that God has placed in our lives.

Anarie discusses how some of her triggers have helped her see places she needs to set boundaries. 

“It’s difficult to unpack what has just happened as being something that’s happening now or part of old wounds and projecting things into the situation that aren’t really there. Often it’s a combination of both,” Anarie says.

The women share how dating has brought up more grief, mourning, and loneliness for them. However, as Becky points out, it shows us our need for the Savior, as well.

Tiffany, Anarie, and Ali also share some practical tips about online dating, and about keeping yourself safe. Things like preparing a short, boundaried version of your story to share with those you date, meeting in public places, sharing your location with trusted friends, and driving your own car to the dates are all important. The bottom line is if someone we are looking to date is honest and accountable, it can feel safe to say, “I’m giving you a chance.” 

Finally, Becky asks: what does healing and recovery work look like when you’re no longer married to an addict?

Anarie shares how recovery looks much the same, but it’s easier now because she isn’t fighting for a certain outcome.  Ali explains that for a while, she’d lost herself in recovery and gotten stuck in the betrayal trauma world. Now, she has room to step back and reach out to people who understand her. Tiffany feels that divorce takes the couples’ aspect out of recovery and simplifies it a little, but staying in a marriage requires surrendering in different ways.

Above all, being as honest as you can be and giving yourself and whomever you’re dating an abundance of grace is critical when dating after betrayal trauma. Every kind of relationship can teach us something.

Tiffany shares:

“Have your people. It’s so good to have someone to check in with. Keep your people with you—they’re a gift.”

Dating Resources:

Leaning on the Lord

Boundaries

Safe Online Dating Practices

Honesty

Trusted friends to reach out to for support

RAINN - rainn.org - The Nation’s Largest Anti-Sexual Violence Organization

Rape Recovery Center - raperecoverycenter.org - To empower those victimized by sexual violence in Utah

Utah Coalition Against Sexual Assault - ucasa.org - Resources for Survivors https://www.ucasa.org/resources

This episode’s songs:

Anarie’s song:  Rachel Platten’s “Nothing Ever Happens”

Tiffany’s song:  Danny Gokey’s “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again”

Ep. 34- Hunter's Story- Son

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Tiffany’s eighteen-year-old son, Hunter. Hunter leads a very active life with many diverse interests such as sports, singing in a choir, and riding his motorcycle. Hunter shares his thoughts on what it was like growing up with parents who suffered from betrayal trauma and addiction. 

Growing up, Hunter knew his parents loved him, but he didn’t always feel it. In a similar way, he believed in God, but didn’t have a lot of emotion surrounding Him. Experiencing the disintegration of his parents’ marriage was difficult, and he remembers feeling isolated and abandoned.

It wasn’t until his parents divorced that Hunter began his own healing process.

When asked about how he felt about therapy, Hunter explains how, initially, it was hard for him to understand how to use therapy to benefit his life. After trying a few different therapists, he found one he connected with and that’s when he started getting things done in therapy.

Hunter shares how he has emotional tools that he otherwise wouldn’t have thanks to therapy. He feels he can better cope with things and be there for others. He also has learned that:

“Things that aren’t our fault are still going to affect us.”

He adds, “There is a lot of value in being able to talk about things even when you don’t want to. Being able to be vulnerable is a really important life skill.”

Hunter also feels that sports and extracurricular things with friends probably helped him even more than therapy. It’s the act of getting out of the house and doing something you enjoy that gets you out of your head.

“It sort of changed my identity when I was out doing things,” Hunter says. “I wasn’t part of a broken family, I was a soccer player.”

Hunter explains how going through all these tough things in his life has pulled him a lot closer to the Savior.

“This has shown me, irrevocably and undeniably, that God is real. He’s pushed me through so much.”

Hunter shares how his relationship with his parents has improved over the years. He’s able to talk on the same level with his father. And he describes his mom as loving, helpful, and “less like a person and more like an angel.”

Tiffany explains, “We’re all doing the very best we can with what we have and with what we know. I was really rigid and controlling for a long time in my trauma, and I figured out somewhere along the way that I’m just supposed to be a cheerleader.”

When asked about how these experiences will affect his future, Hunter shares that he has promised himself he will not have a pornography addiction. He has decided he won’t give in to things that would ruin his relationships.

“I have promised myself I will not do things that would hurt my wife. The biggest thing that I want to be is a good dad and I want to have a really good relationship with my wife and kids.” 

Becky asked Hunter what restoration through Christ has meant to him.

“Singing holy music gets to me and is something that restores me,” Hunter says. He also advises to have courage to keep trying activities you can be involved in. Becky reminds that, as parents, we can take it to the Savior and ask, “What do my children need?”

In addition to helping kids get involved in extracurriculars at an early age and supporting their activities, Hunter advises moms to keep loving their children. He describes how his mom, Tiffany, is patient, forgiving, and always loving.

Hunter wraps up the interview with a quote by Bruce Lee, “Patience is not passive. On the contrary, it is concentrated strength.”

Hunter’s Recovery Resources:

Therapy

Extracurricular activities

Time with good friends

Hunter’s Song:

“I Believe in Christ” by the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square