Ep. 42- Is It Me?

Becky, Autumn, and Tiffany sit down to discuss one of the biggest questions they get- “Is It Me?”.  They share that many people they talk to have these worries that their loved one’s behavior is their fault or that they caused it.  And they share that they each felt that way for a long time.

So, did we cause this?  Becky says emphatically, “NO!”.

Podcast over, right?  Just kidding.

Autumn says that there is more to it than that.  Many people wonder what they could have done differently to make him not act out is very common.  They think, “maybe if the house was cleaner or the kids were quieter or I was more patient or we had sex more, he wouldn’t go act out”.  The list goes on and on.

Tiffany shares that often many people wonder, “What did I do to deserve this?” and that is a deep and painful question.

Becky asks how everyone found the answer to the questions “Is It Me?”.  Autumn shares that 18 mos into therapy, her therapist asked, 

You know that this is not you, right? 

She did not know that.  She shares that she still has it sometimes come up that maybe she caused different life experiences.  Becky asked Autumn if she believed the therapist when he asked that.  She said to him, “I kind of don’t believe you”.  She really felt like a big piece of her husband’s acting out was her. 

Tiffany says that she didn’t dare ask the question and that it took someone looking at her and telling her that it wasn’t her to shatter her heart open to examine the question.  Becky says that in some ways it was easier for her to think that it was her because then she could establish a battle plan to fix it.  So, she cleaned the house or helped the kids be quiet but she shares that her husband often didn’t ask her to do those things.  

Gaslighting is something that often happens in these circumstances.  It may not always be intentional, but it is still gaslighting.  Autumn shares a personal experience when her husband was vilifying her to others while he was acting out.

Gaslighting leads to you believing that it is your fault, because often there is evidence provided, so you just start accepting that it IS you.

Becky reminds us that often the person struggling with the out of control behavior will do and say whatever they need to to continue in their behavior, even if that is gaslighting.  Autumn gives the example that as a young mom you are tired.  Tired of being touched all day and you may not feel like having sex.  And then you find out about his acting out and you say to yourself, “That’s why.  It’s because I was not providing sex.”  But it wasn’t about you.

Truthfully, most addicts had unhealthy patterns and behaviors WAY before they met you.

Often these patterns and behaviors begin in childhood and teenage years.

Tiffany shares that it is so important to recognize and identify what is ours and what is not.  She reminds us that we don’t have control or choice over anyone’s behavior.  Even if you are a witch or too tired to have sex.  “None of those things give you responsibility over someone else’s actions”.  “1000%”, Autumn says.

Becky shares that there may be lots of reasons why you are having a hard time or that he may be having a hard time, but at no point are we responsible for other people’s behavior.  We have an influence on each other and it’s important to recognize that.

But we are NOT responsible for other people’s choices.

We are NOT!

And nothing changes that.

Becky shares that her healing accelerated when she allowed the Lord to take it off my shoulders.

When I allowed the Lord to take it off my shoulders and let it rest on my husband’s shoulders where it rested, I was able to really start healing.

All three hosts agree that holding on to, and taking responsibility for, their loved ones acting out and behaviors really slowed down their healing.

Tiffany asks how we can work on our own stuff if it is covered up by other’s stuff.  “How is he going to work on his stuff if I am holding it?”  We give that back and then we can work on ourselves.

Becky shares that we can do things to improve our relationships with our loved ones but that doesn’t mean we are responsible for their actions.  She says that two things that made a difference in her marriage and created a more solid foundation are responsibility and accountability in this process.

What am I responsible for, what is he responsible for, and where there is overlap when you are in a relationship?

Tiff shares that honesty was a huge key for her.  She says it can feel scary to be honest and “I was a liar”.  But I was truly doing the best I could at that time.  She says that learning to express herself was important but can be so hard in an unsafe environment.  Autumn shares that a key for her was learning body regulation  She says that it has helped her calm down, get clarity and say what she needs to say.  When she was in Fight, Flight or Freeze, she was not able to express herself.  She says grounding, calming, breathing, meditation, and taking a break make all the difference for her.  

Becky then brought up and spoke against the idea of “Collusion”- the concept that loved ones of addicts are conspiring, whether consciously or unconsciously, to keep the addict in their addiction.  She feels this concept discounts trauma and trauma responses.  She says that 

If you ever hear that you are responsible for your loved one’s addiction, 

I give you permission to throw that in the garbage!

Autumn expressed disbelief at the concept.  “Who doesn’t want their loved one to get better?”.  We wanted our loved ones to get better.  We wanted it so badly that we were trying to control everything and fix everything for them until we realized they needed to take care of this.

The team shared the importance of learning what you are responsible for, boundaries, self-compassion, creating your own safety, and fighting for yourself!  Tiffany shared that her therapist asked her what support she had in her life.  She said, “Uhhhhh God?”.  “YOU”, he answered.  

“YOU show up for YOU!”

The hosts closed out the podcast with the reminder that the most important thing to do was to focus on “Keeping God at your Center”.  Becky shares that this concept that she learned in 12-step helped her let go of her husband and take care of herself.

To end the podcast, Becky issued a challenge- Everyone examine what is your responsibility, where is your accountability.  And where does that stop?  Where is that line?  

It’s not you.  

You didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it.  

So put it in the Lord’s hands and do your own work.

The Whole Team’s Song Choice:

Who You Say I Am by Hillsong Worship

~We are a all a Child of God and He loves us. And He is going to show up for us.

Specific recovery resources:

Boundaries

Recognizing Personal Responsibility

Recognizing Personal Accountability

Creating You Own Safety

Grounding techniques

You showing up for YOU!

Ep. 41- Jeni G (aka Scabs) story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Jeni G. to share her story.  Jeni works as a therapist in Arizona.  She is a single mother of two kids, ages 19 and 12.  She loves paddleboarding and yoga is a vital part of who she is.

Jeni shares that her relationship with God growing up revolved around what she was supposed to do.  She shares that she did not have the feeling of God in her home.  Her relationship with God didn’t happen until post-discovery of her husband’s acting out.  She says that her 12-step work helped her know God.

Jeni says that in 2010 her husband travelled back to the Philippines on a trip, where he had served a mission for their church.  She felt that the likelihood of him cheating on her was “the same as him murdering her”.  She didn’t believe it was possible.  While he was on the trip, Jeni shares had a couple of dreams that he was being unfaithful to her and she says when she saw him at the airport, she knew her dreams were true.  

Jeni shares that she was sitting on her doorstep looking despondent when a friend drove by and picked her up.  That was when she shared with someone what was going on.  She eventually learned the extent of her husband’s addiction and they started going to therapy. 

“And you see your part, don’t you?”, asked the therapist.  

Jeni says she tried to figure out what she did wrong and very quickly something inside her said 

“No.  This has nothing to do with me.”

Jeni says that she asked her husband to move out early on and decided to focus on her 12-step work and leaning into practicing yoga.  They hunted for a good therapist but never found one.  While doing her Step 4, she developed the concept of her blog, “Eat My Scabs”, after an interaction with her husband asking for forgiveness.  She shares that hitting the publish button on her blog was pivotal to connect with a community, which was pivotal for her healing journey. 

Jeni says that there was a big lack of resources for a long time.  But she also feels that

The lack of resources back then could be a strength because you’re forced to tune into yourself.

Her pivotal moments in recovery, her most powerful moments, Jeni shares, happened on the yoga mat. She learned how to flow with the energy of recovery.  She feels that no one knows you better than you. Whatever your belief or feeling is, lean into that. It’s a sifting. 

You’re the one who gets to decide what’s best for you, so tune into you.

Jeni says to make sure to listen and “Fine tune that instrument our Father gave us: our body and our ability to choose”.  The invitation there is to slow down. Give yourself time to wake up to the language of your body. She says you don’t have to do yoga. Do what’s right through you. Get present. Get mindful. Get clear about what’s happening inside of you. My body is doing what it’s supposed to do, protecting me and showing me and teaching me about what’s next.

Jeni shares that she learned that the entire time, we’ve had the power inside of us.   She looks at it through the bathroom theory. When we’re face first on the bathroom floor. We get up and we realize there’s other people in the bathroom. And we walk around and are just hanging on in the bathroom. And suddenly we see a door and we realize there’s a hallway and light.  Jeni says that when betrayal happens, you collapse, the inside of you becomes so small. But she saw that the expansion began to happen. Eventually she realized she had dreams and hopes. She told herself,

I have one life to live and I’m going to go live it

Jeni says that deciding to leave the marriage is the most impossible decision to make.  She worked hard to fight for her marriage but had been in and out of it for a while.  She decided to just give it her all and told her husband that she was fully committed to work on it.  That summer they travelled and spent time together but she started feeling like she was being lied to again.  Jeni shares that this was where all that body work came into play. She asked him what was going on. And then trickle disclosure began and it was a big bomb. She drew a line in the sand and she wanted to honor herself. “This is it. You’re moving out and I’m going to file,” she told him.  Jeni shares that it was horrible. She felt like she was holding back the Hoover Dam and filing for divorce made the water rush around her and her kids. But Jeni knew didn’t need to protect them from him any more. 

If it’s the right thing for you, divorce is amazing. That’s what woke me up and I started to come alive in ways I couldn’t have inside of this marriage. The brightness of leaving.

Jeni shares that for a few years post-divorce, her ex-husband spent in darkness.  He was stuck in his own pattern in his own way.  She says that for her, getting divorced was the best thing she could have done for herself.  She shares that he’s a different man than he was ten years ago. He’s healed and found the light, too. 

Jeni says that there is a peace she’s made with the Father. 

The Father doesn’t want his daughters to go through this.  

She says that sometimes she has issues with Him. “I don’t trust you, you bother me, why are you letting this happen?” But she'll always love God. There’s so much to wrestle with. It’s not tied up in a pretty bow.  But she shares that she is being restored by The Father, who has been a light for her.

Jeni G’s Recovery Resources:

Sleep. NASA nap. 26 minute. My number one, most impactful resource.

Community

Yoga

12-Step

Jeni G’s Song:

“Sacred Om” by Dr. Michael Joseph Levry

The heart makes the sound of Om and it reminds Jeni of the Heartbeat of the Savior.