Ep. 46- Sandy's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Sandy to share her story. Sandy is the mother of 3 and a special events coordinator. Her goal as a mother is to give her children the best upbringing, she could given that she came from a dysfunctional family. Sandy love to journal and feel the Spirit flow as she puts pen to paper. Sandy loves the Lord and loves Him more now after what she has been through. She started social media accounts (and a website) called @GloryFromYourStory as a way to use her pain for a purpose. 

“I truly believe that God redeems all things and he means for us to share our story in hopes that we can help other people walk through pain.”

Growing up, Sandy describes her parents as non-believers who weren’t equipped to participate in spiritual things. Sandy explains that she had a vivid and specific experience with God when she was 9, and that looking back at her childhood she can see that God was always there waiting for her to embrace Him.

Sandy talks about how she met her future husband in college. They began with a foundation of friendship and a commitment to God and each other. Both of them had grown up with divorced parents, and she describes how extremely important it was to both of them that divorce not be a part of their story. Sandy describes the first few decades of their marriage as fantastic and wonderful. She worked hard to support her husband’s endeavors and dreams. This led to their decision to start a farm and business. Sandy describes that the farm ended up being a new level of stress that they had not seen in their relationship to that point. Living on the farm meant small quarters, lots of workers present, and no real home. Sandy explains that their relationship began having issues, but all ones she expected to overcome. When Sandy returned to the workforce for financial reasons, she describes feeling resentment.

“God provided for me because he knew what was coming”

To help on the farm, Sandy explains that they hired an intern and they brought her into their family like a daughter. Around the same time, her husband resumed drinking. Over time, Sandy began to see warning signs of an emotional affair between her husband and their intern. Sandy approached her husband and was reassured by his responses. She finally learned the truth when she gained access to her husband’s phone while he was intoxicated. Sandy describes how confusing and painful the next several months were.

“It’s impossible to find the even ground to be able to move forward.”

Sandy shares that the boundaries she made were not kept, and that she started individual therapy. She also started counseling with strong women in her church who empowered her with good counsel. Sandy describes the pivotal moment in their relationship when she realized that what was happening to her and the infidelity was emotionally abusive. Sandy explains that she realizes that she did not have control over the abuse she experienced as a child.

“I have control over what happens to me as an adult. I don’t have to stay in this environment.”

Becky reminds listeners that remaining in abusive situations is unhealthy for themselves and also for their children. It takes courage to get space from the abuse, but it is one of the best things you can do so you can better make wise decisions.

“It was the first time in my life I made a decision about Sandy.”

Sandy describes how her previous coping skills had resulted in a dam around her heart and her emotions. She wouldn’t allow herself to feel pain or cry. When she made the decision to move out, Sandy describes how the Lord broke that dam and she is truly healing. Not only healing from her betrayal trauma, but for ALL the pain she’d never allowed herself to grieve. Becky reaffirms that the Lord doesn’t want us to live in pain. God will tear down those dams if he has to so that he can heal us. Sandy describes how her experience impacted her in every way, including (in a good way) her spirituality.

“I’ve never been closer to Jesus, but I also know the Enemy better.”

Sandy explains that God opened her eyes to the spiritual warfare going on in the world. She describes how God has been able to turn the fiery darts aimed at her into things for her good. Sandy’s ministry and sharing her story have been opportunities to let God work wonders. As Sandy experienced life in her own home, she began to feel peace, light and God’s presence.

Sandy shares that looking back over times when she was unhappy in her situation, she could always have joy. She testifies that God allows the valleys and the pits in our lives because he is trying to work good in us. She explains that her relationship with God is now an intimate relationship. Becky also testifies that EVERY circumstance can be a pathway to God, even if it’s a circumstance we would never choose or ever wish on anyone else.

Sandy describes her ongoing recovery efforts. She wants to heal for herself and for her children. Sandy acknowledges that healing is a process, and she needs to give space for her children to have their own healing journey. Tiffany validates Sandy’s efforts to be mindful of her children AND facilitate her own healing. Part of Sandy’s recovery journey includes self care and healthy boundaries.

Looking back over her experiences, Sandy shares that God has woken her up and has restored her in so many ways.  She fights the tendency to give God her leftovers as she heals and gets better. She prays that God will continue to fight for her heart and they can keep developing an intimate relationship together.

“God should get my firsts, not my lasts.”

Sandy’s Recovery Resources:

Affair Recovery (Austin TX)

Leslie Vernick’s works and programs

Lisa Terkeurst’s books

The Divorce Minister (blog)

God girls

Sandy’s Song:

Into The Sea (It’s Gonna be Okay) by Tasha Layton

Ep. 45- Rachel's Story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Rachel to share her story. Rachel has been married for eleven years and has four kids, three of whom are living and one who passed away shortly after birth. She’s a trained birth doula and owns her own boutique screen printing business. 

Rachel discusses how, growing up, she had parents who encouraged her to choose her own religion, and to be wholly committed to it once she chose. This influence of faithful parents taught Rachel what it was like to have a marriage in which there was so much respect, love, and understanding between them, despite having different religions. Rachel shares how she felt God was there for her, but she wasn’t wholly connected to Him until later on in her life.

Shortly after their son passed away, Rachel describes seeing some concerning text messages on her husband’s phone. A couple of years later, the trickle truth from her husband continued, and over time, he finally disclosed infidelity. Through struggles with finding a helpful therapist, and after her husband lived in the basement for awhile, Rachel prayed to God, asking him “When can I get a divorce?” She says, “I was begging God to let me get a divorce. The answer was always the same: ‘Not yet.’”

If it hadn’t been for my kids, I would have filed for divorce right then.  

However, there came a time when she felt the Lord suggest to her that she could ask her husband to move out. The separation lasted two years. During the separation, Rachel’s relationship with God was closer because she was asking for a lot from him. “When you learn you can fight with God, it feels weird,” she says. Rachel describes how her wrestle with God was full of a lot of anger. 

Finally, her husband found a therapist that he connected with.

“There’s a sex addict who’s a therapist and I think we should see him.”

Rachel describes how she reluctantly agreed to go, but only for the purpose of learning how to better coparent. She still wasn’t interested in reconciling with her husband. 

Rachel explains how during the darkest times, she felt numb and relied on things like shopping, food, and television shows to distract her. She also felt a great deal of loneliness and hopelessness.

During the dark parts, it’s so dark, you don’t see how you’re going to get out of it.

Autumn reminds us that when there are years of betrayal, lies and deceit, it takes time for that to heal. Rachel describes how betrayal throws a rock in the window, but it’s not just the marriage pane that breaks, everything gets broken. It affects your whole life.

When asked when she began seeing the light, Rachel shares how she began noticing that her husband was becoming different from the selfish person he was before.

At that point, I could see an honest change in him because it wasn’t him trying to impress me or convince me, it was just him genuinely living day to day, showing up.

She shares that she felt more seen and more like a partner. He was not perfect, but he was trying, and he was willing to do things that were hard. That’s when they began going to therapy to help heal their marriage.

Rachel describes how, in the beginning of their healing path as a couple, strong and clear boundaries were essential. Becky, Autumn, and Rachel describe their growth over time to being able to hold boundaries. For Rachel, polygraph has also been a vital tool. “At first,” Rachel says, “the polygraphs were done every three months, then every six months, and now it’s every year…I’m five years past disclosure, and I still have nagging things in my head where I wonder, so the polygraph puts my mind at ease.”

When asked where God was in the beautiful parts of her journey, Rachel says she feels that she gained comfort from knowing that the Lord would never ask us to do something He hasn’t done. 

The atonement is for people who need a way back to God. Period.

Rachel shares that she has a more communicative relationship with God now. It’s on a personal level, not a scripted prayer.

Becky says about the atonement: 

The more I use it, the more I know I need to use it.

Rachel finds restoration through Christ by focusing on continuing a relationship with Him, knowing there’s always going to be a need for Him.

Rachel’s Recovery Resources:

*Therapy—it’s okay to shop around as much as you can and find someone you feel comfortable with.

*Polygraph—it’s not magical. It’s not going to give you all the answers you want, but it does gives some sort of baseline.

*Friends and family—if you’re fighting for your relationship, you need people who support you and support your marriage, too.

*The movie, Moana—You are not this cold, dead person who’s been destroyed. How you’re living is the consequence of what’s happened to you, but it’s not who you are. “It broke open my cold heart, poured God’s view of me into my heart, and filled me in a way that I never knew I could be full.”

Rachel’s song:

“Rescue” by Lauren Daigle