Ep. 47- Nicole's Story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Nicole. Nicole lives in Idaho with her husband of 17 years and three children. She works in HR and recently started doing consulting work. Nicole loves decorating to make the house a home.

Growing up, Nicole felt like she had a good relationship with God but that she didn’t have many faith trials. She shares that her parents were earnest and full of faith, and that pornography or sex were not discussed in the home. She served a proselytizing mission for her church and thought that was the pinnacle of her faith and has since realized it wasn’t. The biggest struggle for her was that her dream of having a family and children wasn’t realized early in her life, and she questioned God’s plan for her.

I’m grateful my faith keeps growing.

Going into her marriage, Nicole was aware that her husband had some “problems” but did not understand the reality of his addiction. Two years into their marriage, Nicole was swallowed in overwhelming grief at the loss of their stillborn baby. At this time her husband received support from their clergy, but Nicole was not offered the same support. Eventually they found discussing his behavior to be too uncomfortable and stopped talking about it. Reflecting back, Nicole recalls her naivety regarding pornography and during their honeymoon years shared that she had friends who vowed to never marry someone with that problem. Becky reminds Nicole that she was not dumb to have missed things, recognizing that she had no experience or understanding that…

Good people can and do struggle with sexual addiction.

Leading up to her birthday 3 years later, Nicole felt a very specific question pop into her head, “do I really have a relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ?”. Nicole leaned into that and started becoming closer to her Savior. On her birthday, she received the “atomic bomb” disclosure from her husband, with additional details trickling out over the next few weeks. Looking back, Nicole was able to feel her Savior with her that night. Nicole spent days walking around in a fog and thinking she was having a bad dream.

I’m going to wake up and my life will be normal again.

Nicole describes the difficulty in putting on an “I’m okay” face for others while actually crying when she was alone. She rode a constant roller coaster of hope and despair and felt isolated. Nicole felt shame surrounding her husband’s addiction and felt like they would never have friends who would associate with them. A week after the disclosure she met with a friend and found it terrifying and hopeful to open up to a safe person. Nicole learned about Betrayal Trauma and through various podcasts realized that they weren’t the only ones struggling with sexual addiction in their marriage. Eventually Nicole felt the desire to reach out to her bishop to ask for support as well. Nicole shares her gratitude for an ecclesiastic leader who cared about her and was willing to do laps in the church parking lot to support her. “He told me that me reaching out to him taught him that he needed to help other women.” 

I would tell any woman to be an advocate for yourself.

Nicole shares that light began to enter her life as she began attending local support groups and working the 12 Steps of Healing Through Christ. Through her step and group work, Nicole found other sisters she could talk to and experienced greater hope as a result. Together Nicole and her husband started attending Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA) and continue to attend now. Learning more about Sexual Addiction and Betrayal Trauma, Nicole and her husband started to change the way they did everything. In particular, they began communicating deeper and more frequently. Nicole shares that she needed to learn to be honest in her own recovery, including what her needs are and what emotions she feels.

Recovery has been a lot of awareness and putting words to how I feel and how things affect me.

Nicole has found self care to be a vital part of her recovery. She has enjoyed walking with friends because it provides for her emotional and physical care. She advocates for her husband to support her with the kids so she can care for herself in this way. Nicole shares that helping other women in their recovery journey focus on self-care is a good accountability piece for her own self-care. Autumn emphasizes how great it is that Nicole is working her own recovery and is leaving her husband’s recovery to him. Nicole shares,

No matter where you end up, that focus on self is universal for anyone who’s experienced betrayal.

Looking back through her journey, Nicole loves to acknowledge the hands her Heavenly Father has had in her life. Through her Betrayal Trauma experiences, Nicole has learned to truly lean on the Savior’s Atonement as it covers all things, and to make Him a part of her daily life. Their recovery journey has brought a beautiful restoration into their life. Now Nicole’s birthday is more of an Anniversary of their fresh start.

There’s a constant process of learning. I’m trying to learn to continually involve my Heavenly Father and Savior in that growing process.

Nicole’s Recovery Resources:

Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA)

Walking with girlfriends

Women’s Support Group and Sisterhood

Contemporary Christian Music

Nicole’s Song:

“Wounds” by Jordan Feliz

Ep. 46- Sandy's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Sandy to share her story. Sandy is the mother of 3 and a special events coordinator. Her goal as a mother is to give her children the best upbringing, she could given that she came from a dysfunctional family. Sandy love to journal and feel the Spirit flow as she puts pen to paper. Sandy loves the Lord and loves Him more now after what she has been through. She started social media accounts (and a website) called @GloryFromYourStory as a way to use her pain for a purpose. 

“I truly believe that God redeems all things and he means for us to share our story in hopes that we can help other people walk through pain.”

Growing up, Sandy describes her parents as non-believers who weren’t equipped to participate in spiritual things. Sandy explains that she had a vivid and specific experience with God when she was 9, and that looking back at her childhood she can see that God was always there waiting for her to embrace Him.

Sandy talks about how she met her future husband in college. They began with a foundation of friendship and a commitment to God and each other. Both of them had grown up with divorced parents, and she describes how extremely important it was to both of them that divorce not be a part of their story. Sandy describes the first few decades of their marriage as fantastic and wonderful. She worked hard to support her husband’s endeavors and dreams. This led to their decision to start a farm and business. Sandy describes that the farm ended up being a new level of stress that they had not seen in their relationship to that point. Living on the farm meant small quarters, lots of workers present, and no real home. Sandy explains that their relationship began having issues, but all ones she expected to overcome. When Sandy returned to the workforce for financial reasons, she describes feeling resentment.

“God provided for me because he knew what was coming”

To help on the farm, Sandy explains that they hired an intern and they brought her into their family like a daughter. Around the same time, her husband resumed drinking. Over time, Sandy began to see warning signs of an emotional affair between her husband and their intern. Sandy approached her husband and was reassured by his responses. She finally learned the truth when she gained access to her husband’s phone while he was intoxicated. Sandy describes how confusing and painful the next several months were.

“It’s impossible to find the even ground to be able to move forward.”

Sandy shares that the boundaries she made were not kept, and that she started individual therapy. She also started counseling with strong women in her church who empowered her with good counsel. Sandy describes the pivotal moment in their relationship when she realized that what was happening to her and the infidelity was emotionally abusive. Sandy explains that she realizes that she did not have control over the abuse she experienced as a child.

“I have control over what happens to me as an adult. I don’t have to stay in this environment.”

Becky reminds listeners that remaining in abusive situations is unhealthy for themselves and also for their children. It takes courage to get space from the abuse, but it is one of the best things you can do so you can better make wise decisions.

“It was the first time in my life I made a decision about Sandy.”

Sandy describes how her previous coping skills had resulted in a dam around her heart and her emotions. She wouldn’t allow herself to feel pain or cry. When she made the decision to move out, Sandy describes how the Lord broke that dam and she is truly healing. Not only healing from her betrayal trauma, but for ALL the pain she’d never allowed herself to grieve. Becky reaffirms that the Lord doesn’t want us to live in pain. God will tear down those dams if he has to so that he can heal us. Sandy describes how her experience impacted her in every way, including (in a good way) her spirituality.

“I’ve never been closer to Jesus, but I also know the Enemy better.”

Sandy explains that God opened her eyes to the spiritual warfare going on in the world. She describes how God has been able to turn the fiery darts aimed at her into things for her good. Sandy’s ministry and sharing her story have been opportunities to let God work wonders. As Sandy experienced life in her own home, she began to feel peace, light and God’s presence.

Sandy shares that looking back over times when she was unhappy in her situation, she could always have joy. She testifies that God allows the valleys and the pits in our lives because he is trying to work good in us. She explains that her relationship with God is now an intimate relationship. Becky also testifies that EVERY circumstance can be a pathway to God, even if it’s a circumstance we would never choose or ever wish on anyone else.

Sandy describes her ongoing recovery efforts. She wants to heal for herself and for her children. Sandy acknowledges that healing is a process, and she needs to give space for her children to have their own healing journey. Tiffany validates Sandy’s efforts to be mindful of her children AND facilitate her own healing. Part of Sandy’s recovery journey includes self care and healthy boundaries.

Looking back over her experiences, Sandy shares that God has woken her up and has restored her in so many ways.  She fights the tendency to give God her leftovers as she heals and gets better. She prays that God will continue to fight for her heart and they can keep developing an intimate relationship together.

“God should get my firsts, not my lasts.”

Sandy’s Recovery Resources:

Affair Recovery (Austin TX)

Leslie Vernick’s works and programs

Lisa Terkeurst’s books

The Divorce Minister (blog)

God girls

Sandy’s Song:

Into The Sea (It’s Gonna be Okay) by Tasha Layton