Ep. 57- Candy's Story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Candy to share her story. Candy was born and raised in Texas and loves diamond painting and being a mom. She has a passion for helping other women through betrayal trauma.

Candy shares how, as she grew up, she “always had a close relationship with God. I always knew when I needed comfort or an answer, I could just ask.”

She met her husband on a blind date and they’ve now been married for twenty years. About six years into the marriage, Candy realized she often noticed a “deer-in-the-headlights” look on her husband’s face when they would have conversations. She knew something was wrong but didn’t understand what. 

One night, after a big argument, Candy’s husband told her he had a problem with pornography. She shares how she was disappointed and upset, but she initially didn’t see the link between their disconnect and fighting, and the porn.

Candy’s husband began attending Addiction Recovery Program meetings at their church, and, seeing that he was getting a lot of help, she soon joined the meetings for loved ones. During her first meeting, she saw someone she knew and felt scared. But she realized that person was there for the same reason.

Candy explains how her darkest times were after she and her husband began working on their problems in counseling. It was like therapy was uncovering all the “crud” she’d buried to protect herself.

“I was barely making it through the day. Anything that someone said to me that I didn’t agree with, I had to almost bite my tongue in half to avoid lashing out.” 

Candy reflects on how she didn’t trust herself, her own judgments, or her own decisions. “Satan puts shame on the person who isn’t responsible,” she says. However, eventually, she decided to refocus on her healing. “[I decided] I can’t continue being in such a bad mood. I have a little boy who needs my attention. I can’t keep going the way that I am.” So, she attended Sunday night ARP meetings, and then Tuesday counseling, and thought “Now I can make it from Tuesday to Sunday.”

“Once I realized and really took in that [my husband’s pornography use] had nothing to do with me, everything was his decision, nothing I did would have changed anything, I thought, ‘Oh yeah, I need healing.’” 

Candy describes the hurt, depression and deep despair she has felt. 

“You got stunned by a stun gun and you don’t know where to go. But once I jolted back, then I thought, ‘Go where you always go, that’s where you need to be.’”

Candy knew that where she needed to be was with God. Additionally, both support groups and the right therapist were also vital pieces to her healing because they served different purposes.

Another gamechanger for Candy was learning about the brain science behind addiction. “Addiction totally numbs them,” Candy says. This is why addicts often don’t have empathy and can feel completely numb. There is a void there—a missing piece—that porn sometimes fills, but it’s a very superficial, numbing answer. To learn that can all be rewired with a lot of work really helped Candy. “The most important thing to know is that this can be undone,” she says.

During the hard times, Candy shares that she remembers what someone in group told her:

“God can take everything.”

Candy realizes that “God can take the plans I had for my husband that weren’t His plan and can change it for the good. Slowly but surely, I’ve realized I have to pray to get better. Once I realized all the work I had to do, it seemed so daunting. But I started working and going to God.”

When asked what part God has played in her healing, Candy says:  

“I know [God] is there and no matter what, I have Him to go to. His answer really is what I need. I can’t imagine doing this whole rollercoaster of emotions without Him.”

Candy’s Healing Resources: 

Counseling- Even if your spouse isn’t willing to go. Go for your own peace of mind. They will give you tools. 

Find your tribe (a support group)

Candy’s Song: Come Unto Christ by Calee Reed

With a special mention of “I am Enough” also by Calee Reed

Ep. 56- Body Regulation and Betrayal Trauma with Todd Olsen, LCSW

Becky, Tiffany and Autumn are joined by Todd Olsen, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, co-founder of LifeStar, and clinical director of Circles of Grace (formerly LifeStar Salt Lake). Todd shares that he enjoys the outdoors and spending time with his grandchildren. Adventure is a big part of his life, and he loves the Lord.

Todd begins by asking Becky for more information about the Christian foundation of the podcast. After Becky shares the beauty in listening to women’s journeys walking with the Lord through their darkest times and back into the light, Todd affirms that to be a common experience among women he has worked with that are experiencing betrayal trauma.

It brings hope when we are able to look back when we move out of that and see where He was there all along.

Todd introduces Polyvagal Theory and encourages listeners to do a google search to learn more. He explains it as the nervous system searching for safety or protecting from danger, and then trying to help our bodies regulate back to a state of homeostasis.

Todd describes the three states of Polyvagal Theory: ventral vagal, or social engagement, sympathetic, or “fight or flight”, and dorsal, or “shut down”. Elaborating deeper, Todd describes the “window of tolerance” as the roller coaster of stress in our daily lives. Even though things can be stressful, if we can think and feel simultaneously, we are still in the window. When we are ruminating (overthinking) or emotions have taken over, usually that indicates we are out of the window.

If we stay within the window of tolerance we can have clear thinking and function.

Todd explains that the window of tolerance belongs with the ventral vagal level and that the first line of defense against any threat is social engagement. With Betrayal Trauma, the person causing the harm is the person you would usually turn to when experiencing a threat. When the first line of defense is not available, our nervous systems go to the second defense, which is Fight or Flight.

Todd shares that when in Fight or Flight people cannot think and feel simultaneously. This often looks like people saying words they don’t usually say or making decisions they don’t usually make. When these attempts to get equilibrium through Fight or Flight fails, then people move to the last line of defense: dorsal.

Todd describes behaviors in dorsal as shut down, collapsing, freezing, withdrawing, appeasing, pleasing, dissociating. Becky points out that these are natural responses from the nervous system in order to protect, and these are not explicit choices being made. Todd agrees and shares what he calls the nervous system:

It’s called the autonomic nervous system. We should just call it the automatic nervous system.

Autumn points out that betrayal is not the only time our bodies go to the dorsal stage, but that it can happen throughout our life. Todd relates how helpful it can be to know about the body’s nervous system because it helps us have self-compassion.

Todd describes the Four R’s of Polyvagal Theory: 1. Recognize what state we are in. 2. Respect ourself or others in whatever state they are in. 3. Regulating the nervous system to help it come back to a state of balance. 4. Re-story what is going on, or rewriting the story we tell ourselves.

If you have a friend in fight or flight… respect the state they are in. It’s not their fault.

Todd explains the importance of pendulation to help our nervous system move from dorsal (shut down) back to a state of equilibrium. He describes the need for physical and emotional movement at a micro level to begin the process, and the need to reflect and identify what state one is in.

We don’t give our nervous system enough time to leave it alone and let it come back to our natural state.

Todd leads the hosting team through exercises to identify how they show up in each of the three states. He recommends this process to all listeners, so they can identify this for themselves. Todd discusses several coping skills to help pendulate in healthy ways: yoga blocks, voo-ing, orienting, boundary work, poetry, exercise, music, etc... 

Todd shares that sometimes we can get stuck in our spiritual “have to’s” instead of listening to the Spirit guide and direct us. Tiffany shares that her experience getting divorced taught her that sometimes the Right Way looks different than what we thought.

Sometimes the Right Way is different.

Todd’s Recovery Resources:

Yoga blocks, power posture, exercise

voo-ing

Writing poetry, listening to music…

Orienting (4-3-2-1)

Todd chose his song because it reminds him to orient: “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong