Ep. 58- 12-Step Groups with Josh Walpole, ACMHC

Becky, Autumn, and Tiffany are joined by Josh Walpole, Associate Clinical Mental Health Counselor who has been working for Circles of Grace (formerly LifeStar Salt Lake) for over 4 years.  Josh works with individuals, couples, and groups.  He went through the LifeStar Program, completing Phases 1, 2, and 3.   Josh developed the Warrior Group at Circles of Grace for single men, ages 18-25 years old struggling with compulsive sexual behavior.  Josh has been attending and working the 12-step program for over 9 years. His 12-step journey began at ARP (the LDS church’s addiction recovery program), then attended SA (Sexaholics Anonymous), and then landed at SAL 12 step, which is where he still attends today.  Josh has been a Service Council Director for SAL 12-step for over 3 years. 

Josh’s hobbies include golfing, gardening, backyard fire pits, and smoking meat.  Josh especially loves going to Bear Lake with his amazing wife Bri and their four kids.

Josh joins the hosts to discuss 12-Step programs and how they can work in synergy with therapy.  He shares the history of how 12-step groups began (almost 100 years ago), including the realization by Carl Jung, famed psychotherapist, that his client struggling with alcoholism needed more than he could provide.  His client needed spirituality.  From this realization, Bill W. and Dr. Bob worked to develop the 12-Step program.

12-step is a spiritual program. 

Josh believes that with addiction you need to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually.  He reminds us that the program emphasizes “the God of your understanding”, and just focuses on a higher power, something higher than you, so that you can come to that place wherever you are at.

It is based around God.  Finding God and bringing God into the process.

The program is just what it says:  12 Steps to work on your healing.

Steps 1-3- Preparing to enter in, get established with the program. (I can’t. God can. I will let Him.)

Steps 4-10- Actions steps or diving into the work. (Personal Inventory.  Admit Wrongs.  Prepare for Change.  Seek God’s Help.  Becoming Willing.  Make Amends.  Daily Inventory.)

Steps 11-12- Maintenance steps (Prayer and Meditation. Give It Away)

Sometimes there are nerves about working Step 4 which is Personal Inventory, but many people find it very powerful.  Autumn shares that she feels like spouses, families and friends do very well with Step 4.  Tiffany shares

Step 4 is a very transformative step that is going to make the biggest difference.

Josh then shares what meetings are like.  For some people it can feel intimidating to walk into a meeting.

He shares a few basics of meetings including time frame, basic introductions, reading guidelines about sharing, reading from literature (volunteers reading aloud, learning about the 12-steps), personal stories shared when desired, the phone list, etc…  He says the goal of meetings is to be a safe space and space for learning. 

Sharing is about sharing an Experience, Strength, and Hope.

Becky shares that 12-step was the first time she was able to share what was going on with herself and her husband, because she didn’t talk to her family at all.  She says that she felt very alone and

12-step was one of the very first times I could say my feelings out loud and I knew that people would understand and not judge me.

Tiffany says that it took her a minute to warm up to 12-step and she tried a few different groups to find the right one, that felt safe and like home.  She shares that she initially felt nervous that her husband was going to his meetings to get justification to support his addiction and not support to heal from it.

Josh shares that we all need some cheerleading and that most people are pretty shame based and don’t feel much hope or success.  Having a sense of community helps.  And having people to call you on your lies is important in healing.

Give yourself permission to try a few different meetings to find the right fit for you.

Going to meetings may be uncomfortable at first.  Becky shares that she did not say a word in a meeting for almost 2 months (and that’s a big deal for Becky!).  She says that she didn’t even say her name for 2 months, she just passed.  And you can pass, too!  If you aren’t ready to share, you don’t have to.  You can just say Pass.  TIffany shares that as challenging as it can feel to go, she always left uplifted and her cup was filled.  She says she felt peace and renewed and ready to go back into her life to keep fighting and working.

If there are times, especially at the beginning, where you feel triggered in a meeting, it is important that you take care of yourself during meetings.

Josh has a few recommendations:

~SAL meetings are his recommendation because they have written their own books and are the only ones who have recognized Betrayal Trauma, and have male only groups and female only groups.

~Find a safe meeting

~Grounding exercises (something soothing to help you stay present in body)

And if it becomes too much, it is OK to leave to the meeting

Josh shares one big benefit is that 12-Step meetings are FREE!  He says that therapy and 12-Step go great together, but if you can’t do therapy, go to 12-step to do the work, you will find healing.  

Josh also discusses sponsors and finding a good fit for you.  Sponsors are there to help you work the steps- reading, writing, and talking to your sponsor.  Tiffany reminds us of God in the process of finding a sponsor.  

Josh shares Step 3 is about being able to turn your life and will over to God and to trust Him. Sponsorship is part of that process, trust someone with your problems, your struggles and that can help you step into trusting God. Becky shares that she has trust issues and it felt “horrifying” that she had to trust someone with her story.  She shares it felt so scary that someone would hear what she was going to say but she tried to trust that they would hold that sacred.  She says her trust issues did NOT come from 12-step but many were healed through good sponsors and good people at 12-step.  Sponsorship is a beautiful way to find healing.

We need to be able to trust other people again.

By nature, being betrayed shatters your trust.

You don’t trust anybody and you especially don’t trust yourself.

Josh shares that Surrender is a critical component of the 12-Step Program.  In betrayal trauma it can often feel like the only two choices are “collapse” or “control”.  But he says there is a 3rd option- Surrender.  Give it over to God.  Put it at his feet.  “This is too much for me.  I can’t deal with it, can you take it?”.  Surrender is not about a free pass for our loved ones or just permission for them to do whatever.  

Surrender is about connection.  Instead of carrying it alone, you are actually sharing that load.

Tiffany shares that surrender gives us the opportunity for growth and empowers us.  “If I can really let this go, then something can change.  I gain strength because I am not carrying everything.”  Letting go gives you strength.  To surrender, Becky says she needed to work on her relationship with God.  “God and I had to get good” and Josh says 12-Step is a good way to do that.

As a therapist, Josh shares that he feels people need BOTH therapy and 12-Step.  He shares that they work synergistically- through 12-step you can have the group and common humanity and hear other’s stories and through therapy you can work your individual work with your therapist.  Learn and get some experience in 12-Step and bring it into therapy and work on it there.  Therapists can be supportive of the work, including the Step 4 Inventory.

Tiffany says that the “spiritual therapy” that came from 12-Step was something her therapy or her religion could not approach.  

12-step was like Spiritual therapy in action

Josh shares that just like the origins of 12-Step, you can address every angle, but if you don’t address the spiritual side, you will not move forward.  Many of us have spiritual wounding and we all need spiritual healing!

Josh’s Recovery Resources:

Finding God and Bringing God into the Process

Grounding

Finding safe meetings

Surrender

Josh’s Song: Scars by I Am They

Josh loves sharing his story and hearing other people’s stories and Christ’s story is the greatest story ever told.  In the song he talks about his scars and because of his scars, he knows his heart.  Because he knows his heart, he knows who he is.

Ep. 57- Candy's Story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Candy to share her story. Candy was born and raised in Texas and loves diamond painting and being a mom. She has a passion for helping other women through betrayal trauma.

Candy shares how, as she grew up, she “always had a close relationship with God. I always knew when I needed comfort or an answer, I could just ask.”

She met her husband on a blind date and they’ve now been married for twenty years. About six years into the marriage, Candy realized she often noticed a “deer-in-the-headlights” look on her husband’s face when they would have conversations. She knew something was wrong but didn’t understand what. 

One night, after a big argument, Candy’s husband told her he had a problem with pornography. She shares how she was disappointed and upset, but she initially didn’t see the link between their disconnect and fighting, and the porn.

Candy’s husband began attending Addiction Recovery Program meetings at their church, and, seeing that he was getting a lot of help, she soon joined the meetings for loved ones. During her first meeting, she saw someone she knew and felt scared. But she realized that person was there for the same reason.

Candy explains how her darkest times were after she and her husband began working on their problems in counseling. It was like therapy was uncovering all the “crud” she’d buried to protect herself.

“I was barely making it through the day. Anything that someone said to me that I didn’t agree with, I had to almost bite my tongue in half to avoid lashing out.” 

Candy reflects on how she didn’t trust herself, her own judgments, or her own decisions. “Satan puts shame on the person who isn’t responsible,” she says. However, eventually, she decided to refocus on her healing. “[I decided] I can’t continue being in such a bad mood. I have a little boy who needs my attention. I can’t keep going the way that I am.” So, she attended Sunday night ARP meetings, and then Tuesday counseling, and thought “Now I can make it from Tuesday to Sunday.”

“Once I realized and really took in that [my husband’s pornography use] had nothing to do with me, everything was his decision, nothing I did would have changed anything, I thought, ‘Oh yeah, I need healing.’” 

Candy describes the hurt, depression and deep despair she has felt. 

“You got stunned by a stun gun and you don’t know where to go. But once I jolted back, then I thought, ‘Go where you always go, that’s where you need to be.’”

Candy knew that where she needed to be was with God. Additionally, both support groups and the right therapist were also vital pieces to her healing because they served different purposes.

Another gamechanger for Candy was learning about the brain science behind addiction. “Addiction totally numbs them,” Candy says. This is why addicts often don’t have empathy and can feel completely numb. There is a void there—a missing piece—that porn sometimes fills, but it’s a very superficial, numbing answer. To learn that can all be rewired with a lot of work really helped Candy. “The most important thing to know is that this can be undone,” she says.

During the hard times, Candy shares that she remembers what someone in group told her:

“God can take everything.”

Candy realizes that “God can take the plans I had for my husband that weren’t His plan and can change it for the good. Slowly but surely, I’ve realized I have to pray to get better. Once I realized all the work I had to do, it seemed so daunting. But I started working and going to God.”

When asked what part God has played in her healing, Candy says:  

“I know [God] is there and no matter what, I have Him to go to. His answer really is what I need. I can’t imagine doing this whole rollercoaster of emotions without Him.”

Candy’s Healing Resources: 

Counseling- Even if your spouse isn’t willing to go. Go for your own peace of mind. They will give you tools. 

Find your tribe (a support group)

Candy’s Song: Come Unto Christ by Calee Reed

With a special mention of “I am Enough” also by Calee Reed