Ep. 38- Boundary Basics

Podcast hosts, Becky and Tiffany, sit down with Beckie Hennessy, LCSW, to talk about the basics of boundaries. Beckie has been a therapist since 2007 and specializes in betrayal trauma, as well as all types of trauma. She’s been married for 17 ½ years and has three children.

When asked, “What are boundaries?” Beckie H. borrows from Brene Brown’s definition from her book Rising Strong:

Boundaries are simply what’s okay and what’s not okay for me.

Conversely, when asked, “What aren’t boundaries?” Beckie H. shares that boundaries are not telling someone else what they can or can’t do. Boundaries are not control or punishment or a way to get someone to feel the way you feel or to hurt someone or to get back at someone.

Boundaries are letting someone else know what you’re going to do or not do.

Becky R. shares that saying “You have to sleep on the couch” is not a boundary, it’s a rule. Beckie offers a helpful look at a possible narrative to use if one doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as the addict: “I’m more than happy to sleep alongside you as long as I feel safe. I don’t feel safe tonight, so I’m not going to sleep with you tonight. Can we agree that you sleep on the couch? Or that one of us sleeps on the couch?” If he says no, Beckie continues, then you need to be okay to sleep on the couch.

As the hosts remind, boundaries are about intention. If your intention is to control or have revenge, that’s not a true boundary.

When what they’re doing negatively affects you or creates a lack of safety, boundary setting is you figuring out how you’re going to respond to that.

Beckie H. points out that “We need boundaries to establish safety (emotional, social, physical, etc.). This isn’t to make them safe people, it’s to help you be safe. It’s a way to build and rebuild connection and trust. When your boundary is respected, it’s like pouring Miracle Gro on connection and trust.”

Becky R. shared a quote that really struck her as she learned about boundaries that helped her understand that boundaries were not about trying to hurt someone or leave a relationship. Elizabeth Earnshaw says : 

“When people set boundaries with you it’s an attempt to continue the relationship with you. It’s not an attempt to hurt you.”

Boundaries can sometimes feel mean, but as the hosts remind us, they’re not. If our intention is to show up in compassion, we’re not being mean.

Beckie H. continues with the differences between feeling discomfort and feeling uncomfortable. “Uncomfortable means I don’t feel safe. Discomfort is: that doesn’t sound fun or that takes me out of my comfort zone, but I’m okay and I’m safe. Discomfort is part of stretching, growing, and healing.”

Beckie H. reminds us that Brene Brown has found that the one variable that the most compassionate people in the world have in common is boundaries. Beckie H. studied The Gospels and extracted every example of Christ setting a boundary. She shares that, “Every single living being, creature, organism sets boundaries. Roses have thorns, that’s a boundary.” 

Beckie H. explains that there are two kinds of boundaries: internal (personal, I do these things…it just has to do with me) and external or relational (involves someone else).

As with anything else, Beckie H. asserts that determining our own values is crucial. “Sometimes we think we know what we value,” she says. “And then betrayal happens and our house burns down and we don’t know which way is up, and then when we do know what way is up, we recognize that actually our values are different.”

A good indication of when a boundary needs to be set is when we feel resentful or a deep, painful hurt. Also, the hosts remind us that boundaries can change and evolve over time, but there are some that are non-negotiable.

Beckie H.’s mantra is: “I don’t set boundaries for them. I set boundaries for me.”

Beckie H’s song choice: 

“Before You Go—the Jesus Version” John Michael Howell

Beckie H. shares that this song showed up on her music suggestions when she was seeking for the Lord to show up for her and let her know how her Heavenly Family was feeling about her.

Specific Recovery Resources:

Learning your core values

Checking your intention when setting boundaries

Boundaries  By Cloud and Townsend

Dare to Lead by Brene Brown

Rising Strong by Brene Brown

Ep. 37- Q&A #5- Separations

Becky, Tiffany, and Autumn, and Becky’s husband, Richard, sit down to discuss separations. Gleaning from their years of experience on this topic as it relates to sex addiction and betrayal trauma, they talk about the varied reasons to enter into a separation and ideas on how to make it work.

For Tiffany, there were two reasons she entered into separations with her now-former husband. One was boundary violations, and the other was to give one another space to breathe and reset.

Autumn’s experience with in-home separations had to do with slips her husband had, as well as her feeling so distraught after disclosures that she couldn’t be in the same room as her husband. She explains that separations can help with bottom lines and boundaries.

Becky feels there were three things that saved her marriage with Richard: honesty, putting in the work and changing, and having a controlled separation.

She explains that a controlled separation was intentionally used to save the marriage, not as a step toward divorce. The separation involved a contract document that included an expected timeframe, agreed upon boundaries, and was presented in a therapeutic setting. 

For Becky, her controlled separation couldn’t have come at a better time: 

“I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t function. I was working really hard, but when he came around me, I was triggered all the time.”

The podcast hosts discussed timeframes of their separations and how it was important to establish guidelines and boundaries about the details beforehand. 

Becky explains that, “It was weird and hard. I wasn’t being mean…I was really worried he would say, ‘Screw you’ and leave….but I was trying to say, I want to fight [for the marriage], this is really important to me, but I’m struggling and I can’t do this when we’re in the same place.”

All of the hosts agreed that there’s a lot of surrender in the separation process. Tiffany shares that when you have controlled separation: 

“It’s in God’s hands now, and when you come back together you can be more intentional about what you hold onto.”

One of the hardest parts of this process is knowing when to have a separation. Tiffany reminds us that it’s individual for every person and that using prayer and trying to discern our intentions for doing it can help us decide.

Tiffany also shares that praying helped her feel guided to know what to do. Autumn explains that she felt comfortable to end the separations when her husband was disclosing his actions and she was feeling validated and in a safe space where she could be vulnerable and open.

Becky explains that it’s really important to recognize that our spouses are not going to be perfect: 

“Changing takes time. It’s important to be reasonable. But also set the bar up there because you want him to be fighting. I’m worth it and he’s worth it.”

When discussing the advantages of doing a controlled separation, Autumn explains how God showed up for her. She also gained more love for her husband during the separation. Becky shares how it helped her recognize her strength and guided her to stand in her power.

Becky’s husband Richard shares his experiences with their controlled separation. He shares he was grateful Becky had the courage to ask for it, and even though it was one of the best things they could have done, it was incredibly hard. “[Before the separation] I was really stuck,” says Richard. “We struggled to separate our emotional states.” But Richard wanted better for their marriage. “It was challenging, but I was able to breathe. I have had to learn that I have needs and rights. I’ve struggled with taking care of myself. I recognized that I needed some breathing room and space.”

Richard shares how helpful it was to have a therapeutic break. It was during that time that:

“The Lord picked up the slack and taught me where she (Becky) couldn’t talk.”

He explains, “For the first time in fifteen years, I wasn’t being watched all the time….I learned what it felt like to be me again without her anxiety, stress, and control…Our nervous systems calmed down…It was good and I was incredibly thankful afterward.”

Becky, Autumn, and Tiffany remind us that, ultimately, no therapist or friend should tell you what to do. 

Take it to God. He will guide you to what the right step is for you.

Autumn’s song choice:

“I’m Listening” by Chris McClarney

This song talks about going to God and listening to what He has to tell us.

Specific recovery resources:

Take it to the Lord

Boundaries

Increasing self-care