Ep. 59- Andi's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Andi to share her story. Andi was born and raised in North Carolina and currently lives in Georgia. She loves nature, family, college basketball, going on cruises, reading, dark chocolate, and Disneyworld.

Andi shares that she’s always known about God’s love because her mother and grandmothers were very spiritual and taught her about Him.

She shares how she met her husband in college at the age of 18 at a church function for young adults. They eventually had a long-distance relationship, during which he disclosed his pornography addiction. “In my youth, I didn’t have the wherewithal to think too much about it, and church leaders said when you get married, it wouldn’t be a problem anymore,” Andi says.

However, after the wedding, it didn’t take very long for Andi to get the sense that the porn use was still going on. The health problems and eventual death of their first child when he was a baby was all-consuming, so porn wasn’t something she could think about at that time.

Over time, Andi shares that they did try marriage counseling because: 

I could tell he loved me and didn’t love me at the same time.

But she still struggled with feeling like she wasn’t enough. Their family grew and there were good times and bad times. Andi explains how her husband was the most generous, magnanimous, fun person…until he wasn’t. He had a lot of up and down emotions.

Andi describes how she was mostly alone in this betrayal trauma battle—only a couple of family members knew about her husband’s porn use. 

I had God and the scriptures. I felt the Lord speaking to me through the scriptures…it’s where I went because there was nowhere else to go.

Andi explains the overcompensation that she engaged in to survive. “I’m naturally a worrier,” she says. “If he’s up and down, then I needed to be steady for the kids…I fought hard to stay even keeled in my emotions…I wasn’t allowed to have a bad day.”

However, this was taking a toll, as, Andi shares, she started having anxiety attacks. And about twenty years into their marriage, she experienced the heaviest darkness when she found her husband masturbating in front of the computer, where there was great risk that one of the kids could have possibly seen what was going on. This, and other alarming behaviors, caused her to set some boundaries.

At the end of that summer, I wasn’t willing to live that way anymore. I said, “You don’t treat me horribly, but you don’t treat me good, either. I deserve to be treated better.” When I told him, “I’m done,” he was surprised.

Andi describes their third round of counseling at this time. The counselor asked her not to make a decision about whether or not to stay together quite yet. He asked her to sit on the decision for a while. He explained other important concepts, like the fact that her husband’s addiction was taking up all his energy, leaving him with little left for her. He also helped her understand that she didn’t have to forgive him right now.

This gave Andi permission to take a deep breath. 

We planned a vacation and I told him he couldn’t come because I needed to relax, and I couldn’t relax with him there. 

Becky and Tiffany share how this shows she had enough awareness to ask for what she needed because a boundary is not about punishing the other person, it’s about taking care of yourself.

Things began to shift for Andi when her husband did a full disclosure with their therapist and began attending the Addiction Recovery Program. Through these things, she noticed some changes in her husband, like he wasn’t as negative or ornery. Andi shares how he was more emotionally available with the kids. This gave her hope.

I’m willing to work with someone who’s actually working.

Andi shares that her biggest gamechangers in finding hope was realizing it wasn’t about her. “I came to understand that I didn’t cause it. I can’t fix it. He has had this addiction since he was 10.” She says the biggest “aha” moment for her was choosing not to be a victim anymore, but to be empowered to step into her own strength and recovery. 

I trusted God even more. I knew He’d gotten me through everything in my life thus far and that He could get me through the next step. He would hold my hand. If it was with my husband, or not with my husband, God would be there.

Andi describes that now, all these years later, her recovery has been absorbed into her lifestyle by taking it one day at a time. “The more I know, the more I don’t know,” she says. However, when asked how she’s finding restoration through Christ, she says, “The same way I’ve been finding it for the last 60 years. I feel uninspired until I spend my mornings with Him. I read the scriptures, a daily devotional book, then I listen to a piece of a podcast every morning. I also go for walks…I see God in the trees all the time.”

The Lord was always there for me. He was there the whole time.

Andi’s Best Recovery Resources:

Addiction Recovery Program

Reading recovery books

“Heart of a Woman” retreat

Music

The movie, The Shack

Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke (book)

The SALifeline Conference

Andi’s Song:  “Stand in Holy Places” by Jenny Frogley

Ep. 58- 12-Step Groups with Josh Walpole, ACMHC

Becky, Autumn, and Tiffany are joined by Josh Walpole, Associate Clinical Mental Health Counselor who has been working for Circles of Grace (formerly LifeStar Salt Lake) for over 4 years.  Josh works with individuals, couples, and groups.  He went through the LifeStar Program, completing Phases 1, 2, and 3.   Josh developed the Warrior Group at Circles of Grace for single men, ages 18-25 years old struggling with compulsive sexual behavior.  Josh has been attending and working the 12-step program for over 9 years. His 12-step journey began at ARP (the LDS church’s addiction recovery program), then attended SA (Sexaholics Anonymous), and then landed at SAL 12 step, which is where he still attends today.  Josh has been a Service Council Director for SAL 12-step for over 3 years. 

Josh’s hobbies include golfing, gardening, backyard fire pits, and smoking meat.  Josh especially loves going to Bear Lake with his amazing wife Bri and their four kids.

Josh joins the hosts to discuss 12-Step programs and how they can work in synergy with therapy.  He shares the history of how 12-step groups began (almost 100 years ago), including the realization by Carl Jung, famed psychotherapist, that his client struggling with alcoholism needed more than he could provide.  His client needed spirituality.  From this realization, Bill W. and Dr. Bob worked to develop the 12-Step program.

12-step is a spiritual program. 

Josh believes that with addiction you need to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually.  He reminds us that the program emphasizes “the God of your understanding”, and just focuses on a higher power, something higher than you, so that you can come to that place wherever you are at.

It is based around God.  Finding God and bringing God into the process.

The program is just what it says:  12 Steps to work on your healing.

Steps 1-3- Preparing to enter in, get established with the program. (I can’t. God can. I will let Him.)

Steps 4-10- Actions steps or diving into the work. (Personal Inventory.  Admit Wrongs.  Prepare for Change.  Seek God’s Help.  Becoming Willing.  Make Amends.  Daily Inventory.)

Steps 11-12- Maintenance steps (Prayer and Meditation. Give It Away)

Sometimes there are nerves about working Step 4 which is Personal Inventory, but many people find it very powerful.  Autumn shares that she feels like spouses, families and friends do very well with Step 4.  Tiffany shares

Step 4 is a very transformative step that is going to make the biggest difference.

Josh then shares what meetings are like.  For some people it can feel intimidating to walk into a meeting.

He shares a few basics of meetings including time frame, basic introductions, reading guidelines about sharing, reading from literature (volunteers reading aloud, learning about the 12-steps), personal stories shared when desired, the phone list, etc…  He says the goal of meetings is to be a safe space and space for learning. 

Sharing is about sharing an Experience, Strength, and Hope.

Becky shares that 12-step was the first time she was able to share what was going on with herself and her husband, because she didn’t talk to her family at all.  She says that she felt very alone and

12-step was one of the very first times I could say my feelings out loud and I knew that people would understand and not judge me.

Tiffany says that it took her a minute to warm up to 12-step and she tried a few different groups to find the right one, that felt safe and like home.  She shares that she initially felt nervous that her husband was going to his meetings to get justification to support his addiction and not support to heal from it.

Josh shares that we all need some cheerleading and that most people are pretty shame based and don’t feel much hope or success.  Having a sense of community helps.  And having people to call you on your lies is important in healing.

Give yourself permission to try a few different meetings to find the right fit for you.

Going to meetings may be uncomfortable at first.  Becky shares that she did not say a word in a meeting for almost 2 months (and that’s a big deal for Becky!).  She says that she didn’t even say her name for 2 months, she just passed.  And you can pass, too!  If you aren’t ready to share, you don’t have to.  You can just say Pass.  TIffany shares that as challenging as it can feel to go, she always left uplifted and her cup was filled.  She says she felt peace and renewed and ready to go back into her life to keep fighting and working.

If there are times, especially at the beginning, where you feel triggered in a meeting, it is important that you take care of yourself during meetings.

Josh has a few recommendations:

~SAL meetings are his recommendation because they have written their own books and are the only ones who have recognized Betrayal Trauma, and have male only groups and female only groups.

~Find a safe meeting

~Grounding exercises (something soothing to help you stay present in body)

And if it becomes too much, it is OK to leave to the meeting

Josh shares one big benefit is that 12-Step meetings are FREE!  He says that therapy and 12-Step go great together, but if you can’t do therapy, go to 12-step to do the work, you will find healing.  

Josh also discusses sponsors and finding a good fit for you.  Sponsors are there to help you work the steps- reading, writing, and talking to your sponsor.  Tiffany reminds us of God in the process of finding a sponsor.  

Josh shares Step 3 is about being able to turn your life and will over to God and to trust Him. Sponsorship is part of that process, trust someone with your problems, your struggles and that can help you step into trusting God. Becky shares that she has trust issues and it felt “horrifying” that she had to trust someone with her story.  She shares it felt so scary that someone would hear what she was going to say but she tried to trust that they would hold that sacred.  She says her trust issues did NOT come from 12-step but many were healed through good sponsors and good people at 12-step.  Sponsorship is a beautiful way to find healing.

We need to be able to trust other people again.

By nature, being betrayed shatters your trust.

You don’t trust anybody and you especially don’t trust yourself.

Josh shares that Surrender is a critical component of the 12-Step Program.  In betrayal trauma it can often feel like the only two choices are “collapse” or “control”.  But he says there is a 3rd option- Surrender.  Give it over to God.  Put it at his feet.  “This is too much for me.  I can’t deal with it, can you take it?”.  Surrender is not about a free pass for our loved ones or just permission for them to do whatever.  

Surrender is about connection.  Instead of carrying it alone, you are actually sharing that load.

Tiffany shares that surrender gives us the opportunity for growth and empowers us.  “If I can really let this go, then something can change.  I gain strength because I am not carrying everything.”  Letting go gives you strength.  To surrender, Becky says she needed to work on her relationship with God.  “God and I had to get good” and Josh says 12-Step is a good way to do that.

As a therapist, Josh shares that he feels people need BOTH therapy and 12-Step.  He shares that they work synergistically- through 12-step you can have the group and common humanity and hear other’s stories and through therapy you can work your individual work with your therapist.  Learn and get some experience in 12-Step and bring it into therapy and work on it there.  Therapists can be supportive of the work, including the Step 4 Inventory.

Tiffany says that the “spiritual therapy” that came from 12-Step was something her therapy or her religion could not approach.  

12-step was like Spiritual therapy in action

Josh shares that just like the origins of 12-Step, you can address every angle, but if you don’t address the spiritual side, you will not move forward.  Many of us have spiritual wounding and we all need spiritual healing!

Josh’s Recovery Resources:

Finding God and Bringing God into the Process

Grounding

Finding safe meetings

Surrender

Josh’s Song: Scars by I Am They

Josh loves sharing his story and hearing other people’s stories and Christ’s story is the greatest story ever told.  In the song he talks about his scars and because of his scars, he knows his heart.  Because he knows his heart, he knows who he is.