Ep. 60 - Tara’s Story - Daughter

Becky and Tiffany are joined by Tara, a wife and mother of four kids. Tara is the Executive Director of the S.A. Lifeline Foundation, and shares her experiences as the daughter of a recovering sex addict and a betrayed spouse.

Tara describes her family as very faithful growing up. She remembers saying family prayers and attending church each week. Tara describes herself as a life-long believer at her core, and was always aware that God had a very clear plan for her. Tara also explains that she grew up with a black and white mentality about people being good or bad, and that led to her feeling like God’s love was conditional on her always being good and never making mistakes. 

God was there, but my understanding of my relationship with Him wasn’t clear yet.

Tara shares her memories of smaller disclosures that her father had made poor decisions with consequences regarding his church participation as she was a young child and again as a teenager. She recalls the feeling of a looming secret that was felt but never talked about. While there was genuine joy in the home, there was also an underlying discomfort.

As a young newlywed, Tara shares her experience hearing the full truth of her father’s addictive behaviors, including his arrest and loss of church membership. After his disclosure, she describes the confusion and sense of betrayal that came over her. Tara also explains that she felt relief as the elephant in the room was finally addressed.

Truth will set you free, painful as it is.

Tara discusses the need and the value to have honest disclosure with children of addicts as well as the importance of age-appropriate sharing. Becky reaffirms that we can’t do something different if we don’t know what’s going wrong. It can be scary to let our adult imperfections show to our children, but we can share so they don’t have to repeat our mistakes.

Tara shares that one of the greatest gifts to come from her parents’ recovery is to share their story with their grandchildren when they reach 12 or 13 years old. She describes that being so transparent and authentic with their grandchildren gives the kids permission to make mistakes and know they are still worthy of love.

Watching my father’s transformation has been one of the greatest catalysts for me having greater self-compassion, and greater compassion and empathy for those around me.

Tara describes that she used to be afraid of her weaknesses because she was afraid God would stop loving her. As she works with people who struggle with sex addiction, she has learned that there are no lost causes. All humans have the capacity to change if we rely on a God who is willing and able to change us.

Tara shares some of the changes she noticed in her father’s behavior that indicated he really was in recovery: he was humble, honest, accountable, and connected with God and others. She reminds listeners about the distinct difference in feeling between when talking to someone who is a poser versus someone who is truly connected to you. She encourages listeners that it takes significant time to see lasting changes and a willingness to forgive when the time is right. Each of her sibling’s journeys to recovery has been individual.

Tara gives more background information about the foundation her parents started, S.A. Lifeline, as an organization to provide information and education about the harms of pornography, sex addiction, and betrayal trauma. A few years later they also started the Twelve Step Groups in SAL 12 Step. Each year the foundation holds an annual conference, and this year’s conference is just a few weeks away and everyone can register in person or online!

Tara testifies of the power Christ has to fundamentally change and transform something. She shares that she has watched her father become a new creature in Christ, one who helps others change and become the people that God wants them to become. She shares that God was in the mess and willing to walk in the darkness with her and her father until he was willing to turn toward the light again.

God plays the long game, regardless of what we struggle with. That gives me hope.

Tara’s Best Recovery Resources:

Prayer

S.A. Lifeline

What Can I Do About Me? by Rhyll Croshaw

SAL 12 Step (sal12step.org)

S.A. Lifeline Conference (Sept 9th, 2023 in Salt Lake City, UT) (salifeline.org)

Tara’s Song: “Come as You Are” by Crowder

Ep. 59- Andi's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Andi to share her story. Andi was born and raised in North Carolina and currently lives in Georgia. She loves nature, family, college basketball, going on cruises, reading, dark chocolate, and Disneyworld.

Andi shares that she’s always known about God’s love because her mother and grandmothers were very spiritual and taught her about Him.

She shares how she met her husband in college at the age of 18 at a church function for young adults. They eventually had a long-distance relationship, during which he disclosed his pornography addiction. “In my youth, I didn’t have the wherewithal to think too much about it, and church leaders said when you get married, it wouldn’t be a problem anymore,” Andi says.

However, after the wedding, it didn’t take very long for Andi to get the sense that the porn use was still going on. The health problems and eventual death of their first child when he was a baby was all-consuming, so porn wasn’t something she could think about at that time.

Over time, Andi shares that they did try marriage counseling because: 

I could tell he loved me and didn’t love me at the same time.

But she still struggled with feeling like she wasn’t enough. Their family grew and there were good times and bad times. Andi explains how her husband was the most generous, magnanimous, fun person…until he wasn’t. He had a lot of up and down emotions.

Andi describes how she was mostly alone in this betrayal trauma battle—only a couple of family members knew about her husband’s porn use. 

I had God and the scriptures. I felt the Lord speaking to me through the scriptures…it’s where I went because there was nowhere else to go.

Andi explains the overcompensation that she engaged in to survive. “I’m naturally a worrier,” she says. “If he’s up and down, then I needed to be steady for the kids…I fought hard to stay even keeled in my emotions…I wasn’t allowed to have a bad day.”

However, this was taking a toll, as, Andi shares, she started having anxiety attacks. And about twenty years into their marriage, she experienced the heaviest darkness when she found her husband masturbating in front of the computer, where there was great risk that one of the kids could have possibly seen what was going on. This, and other alarming behaviors, caused her to set some boundaries.

At the end of that summer, I wasn’t willing to live that way anymore. I said, “You don’t treat me horribly, but you don’t treat me good, either. I deserve to be treated better.” When I told him, “I’m done,” he was surprised.

Andi describes their third round of counseling at this time. The counselor asked her not to make a decision about whether or not to stay together quite yet. He asked her to sit on the decision for a while. He explained other important concepts, like the fact that her husband’s addiction was taking up all his energy, leaving him with little left for her. He also helped her understand that she didn’t have to forgive him right now.

This gave Andi permission to take a deep breath. 

We planned a vacation and I told him he couldn’t come because I needed to relax, and I couldn’t relax with him there. 

Becky and Tiffany share how this shows she had enough awareness to ask for what she needed because a boundary is not about punishing the other person, it’s about taking care of yourself.

Things began to shift for Andi when her husband did a full disclosure with their therapist and began attending the Addiction Recovery Program. Through these things, she noticed some changes in her husband, like he wasn’t as negative or ornery. Andi shares how he was more emotionally available with the kids. This gave her hope.

I’m willing to work with someone who’s actually working.

Andi shares that her biggest gamechangers in finding hope was realizing it wasn’t about her. “I came to understand that I didn’t cause it. I can’t fix it. He has had this addiction since he was 10.” She says the biggest “aha” moment for her was choosing not to be a victim anymore, but to be empowered to step into her own strength and recovery. 

I trusted God even more. I knew He’d gotten me through everything in my life thus far and that He could get me through the next step. He would hold my hand. If it was with my husband, or not with my husband, God would be there.

Andi describes that now, all these years later, her recovery has been absorbed into her lifestyle by taking it one day at a time. “The more I know, the more I don’t know,” she says. However, when asked how she’s finding restoration through Christ, she says, “The same way I’ve been finding it for the last 60 years. I feel uninspired until I spend my mornings with Him. I read the scriptures, a daily devotional book, then I listen to a piece of a podcast every morning. I also go for walks…I see God in the trees all the time.”

The Lord was always there for me. He was there the whole time.

Andi’s Best Recovery Resources:

Addiction Recovery Program

Reading recovery books

“Heart of a Woman” retreat

Music

The movie, The Shack

Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke (book)

The SALifeline Conference

Andi’s Song:  “Stand in Holy Places” by Jenny Frogley