Ep. 63- Self-Compassion with Shelley Dunford-Hardy, LMFT

The Rise Up Restored Podcast Christmas Gift this year is an episode on self-compassion!

Tiffany and Becky are joined by licensed and experienced therapist Shelley Dunford-Hardy. Shelley’s masters degrees in Clinical Psychology and Spiritual Psychology have brought greater focus on self-compassion as an important tool in her work as a therapist.

Shelley shares some of the research in the field that self-compassionate people tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction, resilience, motivation, better relationships and personal health… She shares additional research that the biggest predictor of happiness and overall fulfillment in life is love. The most important relationship any of us can have is with ourselves, which is why self-compassion is so vital for all of life’s ups and downs.

“The priority is not my kids, spouse, or job; it’s lining up with myself, my High Power, my humanness, and my soul.”

Shelley defines compassion as sensitivity to pain or suffering of another, coupled with a deep desire to alleviate that suffering. She goes on to explain that self-compassion is having that same feeling of sensitivity and oneness with the other, putting your arm on them, trying to soothe, but not getting out of the suffering and instead leaning into it. Shelley shares that most people are afraid because they think when they go into the pain, they will never come back out again. But that isn’t what self-compassion is for.

We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. We have to go through it.

Shelley continues to share more of what self-compassion is not: it is not selfishness, it is not “should”-ing on yourself or judging yourself, it is not critical, it is not a pity party, and it is not self-esteem.

Shelley outlines the three parts of self-compassion: loving self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness and awareness. With loving self-kindness, we can be supporting, encouraging, and understanding to ourselves. Recognizing our common humanity helps us to realize we are all imperfect, and none of us are totally unique or totally alone. Pain is part of the human experience. Remembering this can transform our pain into a moment of connection with other people and ourselves. Becoming aware of our pain, and the mindfulness to just be with our pain and suffering long enough to respond with care and kindness helps us move into the healing.

“Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming.” ~ Glennon Doyle

Shelley recommends several resources to help develop a regular practice of self-compassion, including a nightly check-in with herself. She recommends the Self-compassion website and Workbook by Kristin Neff, and reminds listeners that this is all about growth. Once we are grounded in self-compassion, then we can become open to compassionate self-forgiveness, which is to be an UPCOMING episode on the podcast.

Self-compassion is a great way to learn to treat ourselves as a friend and ally.

Shelley’s Recovery Resources:

The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Cristopher Germer

What Happened to You? by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

self-compassion.org - website by Dr. Kristin Neff

Shelley’s song: “What Do You Hear in These Sounds” by Dar Williams

Ep. 62- Keara's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Keara, who shares her story. Keara lives in Arizona, has been married for almost 20 years, and has six kids. She loves design, singing, dancing, and Halloween.

Keara shares that growing up, she knew God was there and she loved him, but she thought he viewed her as a nuisance. For her, prayer was more of a grovel. When she was in junior high, she began using chat rooms, where she was introduced to pornography and masturbation. For years, she felt disgusting and unlovable because she tried to stop and couldn’t. Because of this, Keara shares how pointless it felt to try to repent.

It wasn’t until high school that she was able to stop. “Getting older and being more mature in the spirit, I was able to filter through some of those beliefs,” she says.

Keara met her husband at age twelve and fell instantly in love with him. Since he was four years older than she was, they never dated until after his mission. The couple never shared their journeys with porn with each other, but he did disclose that he wasn’t temple worthy and so they couldn’t get engaged yet. When he wouldn’t share the reason he wasn’t temple worthy and was defensive of it, Keara felt a lack of trust in their relationship—a gap.

Keara and her husband did eventually marry, but it wasn’t until seven years into the marriage that he came to her and told her he’d been viewing inappropriate things on the internet. She explains that this became a regular occurrence, “I forgave him so quickly every time because that’s what I wanted for myself, to be forgiven.” However, Keara describes how lonely she was with her young children and her husband in school.

I tried to be happy when he was home, I tried to have dinner ready, and tried to not have things in disarray. I tried to make sure things were good for him when he came home.

Eventually, the disclosures of his acting out in lust became too much for her to automatically forgive. “I couldn’t stand him,” Keara says. “I couldn’t forgive him. I was angry at him.” It was then that her husband began attending the Addiction Recovery Program (ARP). Keara describes her relationship with God at this time:

I felt angry with God because here I’m feeling betrayed already and now (my husband’s) leaving for (ARP). I know he’s leaving to get better from this, but there was a lot of leaving. I felt alone.

Keara explains how a bishop during this time helped her husband work through some of his selfishness. He told her husband: “She is Keara, mom, and wife. But she only gets to be mom and wife. You have to make sure she gets to be Keara.”  Through meeting with this bishop, Keara learned that:

The atonement is not just for sins. It’s for those who have been hurt and sinned against. I saw Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father as loving people who would care for me and love me.

Keara reminds us of this analogy, which has helped her relationship with the Lord: “God is the dad in the stands, cheering you on, not the umpire calling the balls and strikes.” She describes how this knowledge takes the pressure away so that she feels she can be herself without apology.

Keara shares that her marriage isn’t perfect now—there are still recurrences and struggles. But things are more open, and there’s more trust and focus on boundaries. “If something upsets me, I definitely say something. I can forgive, but that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it,” she says.

For as much pain my husband has caused me, I have never felt so much love and acceptance from that same person who is a totally different person now. He’s so different. I found healing from the atonement of Jesus Christ and my husband did, too.

When asked how she’s finding restoration, Keara shares that through understanding grace and the atonement of Jesus Christ, she now realizes the Lord looks on the heart.

Keara’s Best Recovery Resources:

Rise up Restored podcast

Journaling

Keara’s Song": “True Colors” by Justin Timberlake and Anna Kendrick

Honorable Mention: “This Love” by Taylor Swift