Becky and Tiffany are joined by Tara, a wife and mother of four kids. Tara is the Executive Director of the S.A. Lifeline Foundation, and shares her experiences as the daughter of a recovering sex addict and a betrayed spouse.
Tara describes her family as very faithful growing up. She remembers saying family prayers and attending church each week. Tara describes herself as a life-long believer at her core, and was always aware that God had a very clear plan for her. Tara also explains that she grew up with a black and white mentality about people being good or bad, and that led to her feeling like God’s love was conditional on her always being good and never making mistakes.
God was there, but my understanding of my relationship with Him wasn’t clear yet.
Tara shares her memories of smaller disclosures that her father had made poor decisions with consequences regarding his church participation as she was a young child and again as a teenager. She recalls the feeling of a looming secret that was felt but never talked about. While there was genuine joy in the home, there was also an underlying discomfort.
As a young newlywed, Tara shares her experience hearing the full truth of her father’s addictive behaviors, including his arrest and loss of church membership. After his disclosure, she describes the confusion and sense of betrayal that came over her. Tara also explains that she felt relief as the elephant in the room was finally addressed.
Truth will set you free, painful as it is.
Tara discusses the need and the value to have honest disclosure with children of addicts as well as the importance of age-appropriate sharing. Becky reaffirms that we can’t do something different if we don’t know what’s going wrong. It can be scary to let our adult imperfections show to our children, but we can share so they don’t have to repeat our mistakes.
Tara shares that one of the greatest gifts to come from her parents’ recovery is to share their story with their grandchildren when they reach 12 or 13 years old. She describes that being so transparent and authentic with their grandchildren gives the kids permission to make mistakes and know they are still worthy of love.
Watching my father’s transformation has been one of the greatest catalysts for me having greater self-compassion, and greater compassion and empathy for those around me.
Tara describes that she used to be afraid of her weaknesses because she was afraid God would stop loving her. As she works with people who struggle with sex addiction, she has learned that there are no lost causes. All humans have the capacity to change if we rely on a God who is willing and able to change us.
Tara shares some of the changes she noticed in her father’s behavior that indicated he really was in recovery: he was humble, honest, accountable, and connected with God and others. She reminds listeners about the distinct difference in feeling between when talking to someone who is a poser versus someone who is truly connected to you. She encourages listeners that it takes significant time to see lasting changes and a willingness to forgive when the time is right. Each of her sibling’s journeys to recovery has been individual.
Tara gives more background information about the foundation her parents started, S.A. Lifeline, as an organization to provide information and education about the harms of pornography, sex addiction, and betrayal trauma. A few years later they also started the Twelve Step Groups in SAL 12 Step. Each year the foundation holds an annual conference, and this year’s conference is just a few weeks away and everyone can register in person or online!
Tara testifies of the power Christ has to fundamentally change and transform something. She shares that she has watched her father become a new creature in Christ, one who helps others change and become the people that God wants them to become. She shares that God was in the mess and willing to walk in the darkness with her and her father until he was willing to turn toward the light again.
God plays the long game, regardless of what we struggle with. That gives me hope.
Tara’s Best Recovery Resources:
Prayer
S.A. Lifeline
What Can I Do About Me? by Rhyll Croshaw
SAL 12 Step (sal12step.org)
S.A. Lifeline Conference (Sept 9th, 2023 in Salt Lake City, UT) (salifeline.org)
Tara’s Song: “Come as You Are” by Crowder
