Ep. 68- Patty's Story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Patty to share her story. Patty is a single mom of four and loves to watch movies, play games, do yard work, play the piano, and read.

Patty shares how, in childhood, she always attended church. At fourteen years of age, she began to understand that Jesus was her Savior and God was important. Even though she didn’t have a very personal relationship with Him at that time, she started to lean on God as she became a young adult.

When she was pregnant with their second child, Patty’s husband disclosed that he’d been looking at a lot of porn. She was upset with God. “There were several days I refused to pray to Him,” Patty says.

A couple of years later, Patty asked her husband about his porn use. She shares how her husband admitted to porn use but used minimizing language. She describes the accompanying behaviors she noticed in her husband: “I saw that he would go to other things as well. If he was unhappy with something, I saw that he went shopping or turned to food. I started to notice how differently he would treat me during this time.”

I had devastating feelings of ‘I don’t really matter. I’m not really that important.’ I didn’t talk to anybody about it.

Patty shares that when they had four young children, she started to take some personal time for herself—and getting resistance from her husband. Over time, she explains feeling proud of herself for learning how to state her needs around doing things for herself. She started to be able to connect the dots, understanding that her husband’s behavior towards her had to do with a sexual addiction. He began attending meetings, but Patty didn’t understand that she, too, needed help.

I labored under this idea that if he would stop, I’d be fine.

Patty shares that eventually, she began attending recovery meetings for loved ones, but she didn’t want to be there. “I wanted a giant eraser to get rid of all of that in my life. I wanted it to be gone.” She committed to attending thirteen meetings. When Patty confided in a longtime friend about her husband’s addiction, that opened up a whole new world of connection for her.

Still, there was a block around this problem in Patty’s relationship with God.

I didn’t want to pour out my heart to God about this because that would mean it was true.

Patty explains how when she took time between weekly meetings to do her own study, her relationship with God began to shift. She also began learning about boundaries and emotional safety.

Patty describes her eventual ability to discern her husband’s behaviors. “I knew by how he was behaving that it was bad,” she says. One night, God woke her up and said, “He’s still practicing deceit. He needs to move out.” Learning this caused Patty to wrestle with God.

It was physically painful. It hurt so bad to know what I needed to do.

Asking her husband to move out for a while helped Patty understand that she truly could advocate for herself, even though it was difficult.

It seemed contradictory to break up a family, but when God gives you personal revelation, that’s far more important than any ideas you have for yourself.

Patty shares that the separation helped her to focus on what she wanted and to see that things really could feel different in her life when she was not living with an addict. When he returned to the home, Patty was able to more easily notice when things started going bad again and could stand up for herself. Patty explains how she felt peace when she eventually realized she needed to divorce. “I recognized this was getting really serious and it was a never-ending cycle. I recognized that (my husband) didn’t understand boundaries…I knew he did not understand how damaging this was for me.”

Although previous attempts at therapy had been damaging, Patty shares how during the divorce process, she found another therapist who guided her in trauma work, which helped her see huge steps of progress.

When asked how she’s finding restoration through Christ, Patty shares how Christ is helping her restore her virtue. “The feeling in my home is what I’ve always wanted. My character is coming back. I am loving. I am tender. I am spontaneous. My dreams had been shattered. But I can have that hope and dream again. How that’s to be fulfilled is yet to be seen and that’s okay with me because I feel so much patience now.”

We are more powerful than we know. 

When the Lord’s backing us up, we’ve got all the power we need to do what’s right for us.

Patty’s Recovery Resources:

Rise Up Restored Podcast

Addiction Recovery Program support book and meetings

Scripture study

Family and Friends

Isaiah 40:31

Patty’s song: Katy Nichole “Hold On”

Ep. 67- Q&A What is Sex Therapy? with Jessica Holfeltz, LCMHC

Just a reminder to listeners that the topic of sexual health is an important step in the recovery journey, and if you are not yet in the place in your recovery to work on that piece, that is perfectly normal and okay. Listeners are invited to skip this episode if needed and rejoin on the next one!

All of our hosts, Becky, Autumn and Tiffany are together and joined again by sex therapist Jessica Holfeltz, this time for a Q&A session.

Jessica Holfeltz is the owner and clinical director of Resilient Roots Counseling, a sexual health and wellness center in Draper, UT. She works with a broad range of sexual concerns including Out of Control Sexual Behavior, Sexual Addiction, sex during and post-cancer treatments, pornography concerns, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, painful intercourse, broken agreements and betrayal, low desire and arousal, LGBT+, polyamory, and resolving conflict between spirituality and sexuality.  

Jessica uses Internal Family Systems (IFS), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), as well as Mindfulness and Somatic Experiencing (SE).  She is currently running a men’s therapy group for Out of Control Sexual Behavior and plans to open up her schedule for another one, due to demand.  If you or someone you know could benefit from this type of group, reach out to Jessica, personally at Jess@rootedsexandwellnes.com to reserve a spot.

Jessica also serves on the Board of Directors of The Corey Holmgren Memorial Fund, a 501c3 non-profit that raises money and helps individuals and couples pay for therapy when it isn’t a possibility, financially.

Jessica currently lives in Utah with her sweetheart, Rob, their kids, fur babies, and chickens.

To begin the episode, Jessica acknowledges that the word “sex” in Sex Therapy can be daunting. She explains that Sex Therapy is a type of psychotherapy that specializes in sexual health, which is the balance of safety and pleasure of all types, not just sexual pleasure. She continues to explain that sex therapy can help couples get curious about where each partner is, create space for conversations, learn how to have conversations, and address the concerns dealing with the dysfunctional part of sexual health. Jessica reassures listeners that sex therapy only involves processing and talking through things, and the only difference between sex therapy and typical cognitive behavioral therapy is the subject matter being addressed.

The more curiosity we have about sexual health, in general, that weeds out the shame.

Jessica acknowledges the vulnerability of having conversations with our partners around sex, and shares how sex therapy can assist in that process. Jessica cautions that an ethical sex therapist will never push you to do something outside of your value or that is not comfortable for each partner. She also reiterates that for partners who have experienced trauma, finding a sex therapist who is also trauma-informed is important. Jessica shares how women experiencing healing from betrayal trauma may be ready to engage with their partners sexually, but can still have blocks around the experience.

That’s where sex therapy can step in - we get curious.

Jessica shares some of her personal experiences from her newlywed days when sex was painful. She relates the shame she felt, wondering if something was wrong with her or if the situation would ever improve. She explains that for listeners in similar situations, it is valuable to get curious around their pain, as different kinds of pain point to different potential treatments.

Pain is the body trying to communicate with us.

It is NOT a sign that we are broken.

Jessica instructs listeners that the number one rule is if sex hurts, to stop immediately. This includes the psychological pain that comes from intrusive thoughts. She explains that we do not want to teach our body to push through the pain with something potentially connective and pleasurable. She advises to communicate with your partner, to acknowledge your body’s response and listen to your body. Experiencing pain during sex even one time can stay with us and in our bodies, and we are likely to have another experience based on our bodies remembering the previous experience. This can allow you to take care of yourself and connect in a safe and pleasurable way. Jessica shares that when sex is painful, sex therapy can help couples communicate and explore other potential easy to connect and find pleasure together. She also explains the value in having a care team on the same page - there can be physiological explanations for pain, and she shares the wisdom in having sex therapists connect with their clients doctors, pelvic floor therapist, naturalist, etc…

Jessica explains that shame is a major contributor to sexual dysfunction and prevents couples from being fully vulnerable in conversation or with each other behaviorally. Shame is also a contributor to pain, as when we listen to our shame voice telling us “we are not enough” or we are “unworthy,” pleasure is unattainable in any form, not just sexual. 

In order to experience sexual pleasure, we must have a healthy relationship with pleasure in general.

Jessica shares how it is easy for women to become so busy serving others that they often forget self-care. There is immense pleasure to be found in taking care of ourselves. Jessica states that self-care is often a starting place for clients to get curious and pick apart how they engage in pleasure. She also explains that it is important to balance the safety and pleasure piece during sex.

We can’t fully say yes without knowing that we can say no.

Jessica encourages listeners to use their voice to be heard. She shares how sex therapy can help partners listen to each other and not feel shame when the other says no. She also explains how sex therapy can help couples navigate healing when sex is off the table to help them find a safe, slow build to where they would like to be. Being able to talk about low-stake pleasure through non-sexual touch, as both the giver and receiver, and communicating before, during, and after the experience can start to build intimacy and communication around pleasure at the same time.

Jessica’s Recovery Resources

“Friends don’t let friend use KY or Astroglide”

Instead, try these lubricants: 

-Uberlube

-Coconu

-Good Clean Love

-Sliquid

Jessica’s Recovery Song

“Welcome Back to You” by Aron Wright

“I love this song because it reminds me of my journey back home to myself. I don’t know exactly where I’m going or where I will end up, but I’m really loving this journey.”