Ep. 5- What is Betrayal Trauma? Beckie Hennessy, LCSW

Becky and Autumn sit down with therapeutic professional Beckie Hennessy, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, owner of BRICKS Family Counseling.  Beckie is APSATS (Associate Partner of Sex Addicts Trained Specialist) trained and a CCPS-candidate (Certified Clinical Partner Specialist) and works with partners of sex addicts in her practice.

Beckie began her career working on a children’s trauma team and as she began working with partners of addicts, she saw very similar behaviors.  She realized that trauma is trauma and started treating partners of addicts with general trauma interventions.  In 2009, it all came together for Beckie when she learned about betrayal trauma through Barbara Steffens’ book “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”.  She has been trained specifically for betrayal trauma and has found that specialized treatment is so beneficial for partners of sex addicts.

Beckie shares a definition of trauma and that trauma is very individual.  She shared that things effect each individual differently and whether something is traumatic or not depends on the person.  What is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another person.  Betrayal trauma (or relational trauma) is often called “attachment injuries”.  This trauma is 

when one person betrays, abandons, or refuses to provide support for another with whom he or she has developed an attachment bond.

Beckie shares that this trauma is something that can happen when you are in a relationship with someone.  It can be a relationship with a parent, spouse, sibling, anyone you have a relationship with.  If there is an attachment there, there is the possibility of attachment injuries.  Many individuals that Beckie sees come in, usually after discovery or disclosure, and talk about what is going on side their minds and in their body.  These symptoms parallel the signs of general trauma.  If her book, Dr. Steffens found that a HIGH percentage of individuals coming in (primarily women but men as well) had symptoms that resembled PTSD.  Not everyone who has been betrayed has PTSD, but trauma is trauma.  And the symptoms were showing up the same.

So, what does trauma look like?  Again, Beckie says, this can be very individual but like general trauma, betrayal trauma can manifest to look like other things- anxiety, depression, ADHD.  And as they work and look deeper, often time there is some kind of trauma present.  Beckie discusses what betrayal trauma can look like mentally and physically (which can include confusion, feeling scatter-brained, nightmare, racing heart, upset stomach, shortness of breath, and more…).  Many times partners come into Beckie’s office and report the “Feel like (they are) crazy!” and want help.

Beckie shares how she supports those who are experiencing betrayal trauma.  Through her training, she has learned to recognize that safety needs to be the first things addressed, then they can move on to dealing with the issue (mourn and deal with the trauma piece), and then work to reintegrate and reconnect to the world, the individual, and their life.

Every single time I start with safety!

Establishing physical safety is the first priority!  Once physical safety is addressed, mental, spiritual, emotional safety is next.  Beckie says partners just want to feel safe, want to feel like they can trust, they just want to know which way is up.  A lot of behaviors that show up at the beginning, that look “crazy” from the outside, Beckie shares that the partner is just seeking safety.  And this safety can continue to be established when the basics are taken care of- eating three meals a day, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep.  

This safety is vital to move forward through and although the trauma piece explains the behavior but it’s also important to remember that it doesn’t excuse the behavior.  Beckie wants to support people in through their healing.  The key word being “through”.  It is the difference between being in survival mode and staying in victim mode, the difference between post-traumatic growth and a victim mentality.  Beckie shares that there is a difference between “hunkering down and stay there versus hunkering down and seeing that ‘this hurts’, taking a breath, and standing back up”.  Beckie notes that 

it is important not to put a timeline on healing

This is not something that will be all better after a month.  Being patient with yourself is the key to this.  It takes time to find safety and be able to learn coping skills and how to feel grounded in hard situations.

Beckie talks about safety through boundaries.  Boundaries are about the partner and what will be allowed in the partner’s life.  It isn’t about controlling the behavior of others.  The key is the focus on what you will and will not allow in your life.  Beckie shares the difference between a boundary and a rule and how important it is to share your boundaries with your spouse, or it isn’t a boundary.

Boundaries are HUGE part of safety.

Beckie shares that ways for friends, family members, ecclesiastical leaders too support those experiencing betrayals trauma.  She shares that first- it is not your job to save or fix them. That is what the Savior is for.  Next she stresses empathy and compassion for the betrayed partner.  It is important to be consistently patient, loving and there for them.  Next, Beckie cautions us to not “should” on anyone.  One way of handling hard situations will not be the same for everyone.  Just because something worked for a neighbor, doesn’t mean help this partner.  

Forgiveness and trust are NOT the same thing.

Finally, Beckie shares that there is a big difference between forgiveness and trust.  We are commanded to forgive but we are not commanded to trust.  The scriptures are clear about this.  Christ did not trust everyone and that is a good example for all of us.  Trust only comes after safety.

Everyone gets to use the God filter.

Beckie reminds us that the only individual we have to trust is God.  We can take everything too Him and be guided to make decisions for ourselves.  Giving yourself and others time is important.  Partners need time to deal with their trauma and find safety before trusting can be part of the equation.

Beckie is a Christian-based therapist and she has come to find that therapy goes much quicker if God and Jesus are involved.  She is a huge believer that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can fix anything.  God may not take the pain, but He will sit right next to you in it.  He will not leave you in it, even if He doesn’t take it.  He is absolutely in it with you, even if you don’t want Him to be.  Even if you are mad at Him.  Beckie shares that many people come in and are just hanging on and they need to let go and just be held by God.

God is not going anywhere.  He is going to stay by you.

Beckie’s Recovery Resources:

APSATS website- https://www.apsats.org

Beckie’s Podcast- The Path of Imperfection (soon to be The Path of Connection)

Beckie’s Song:

“Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns

Ep. 4- Kristy's Story

Becky sits down with Kristy, one of the show’s cohosts, to share her story.  Kristy is a mom of 4 kids and married to James, who is a sex addict.  They have been married for 21 years and it’s been a journey.  Kristy was born in Montana and moved to Utah when she was 2 or 3 years old.  She had a great mom and dad growing up, her dad was not a religious man and her mom was a lapsed person.  She feels she had a great childhood.  In her free time, Kristy loves to read (#1 passion), loves to knit (it’s a calming, nice hobby), loves history, learning, and teaching.

Kirsty’s grew up with great parents that were not religious.  They are very non-judgmental and loving people.  Her mom was a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints and she would attend sometimes, and the kids would go along with her.  Sometimes the kids would go alone or not go at all.

God was something we kind of had to find on our own

Kristy loved church.  She shares that she loved being there and the feeling she got when she prayed.  As she got older, as a young teenager, she loved reading scripture a little bit.  Kristy says she knew that He was there.  She had a really natural belief and she never really struggled to believe.  She knew I did have a loving Heavenly Father.  Kristy shares that she felt like she had a very solid spiritual foundation in spite of not having an “organized religion” religious family.

As she began dating more seriously, Kristy and James had discussions about things they felt they should know about each other.  As they shared, he mentioned that he struggled with pornography.  It didn’t shock her and she didn’t go running away. Kristy shares she was a little nervous but she also was very young and overcome with love.  They figured that marriage would work it out and once they were sexually active, it would just take care of everything. 

About 6 months into marriage, Kristy learned that pornography was still a part of his life and she shares that it really hurt to find that out.  She was expecting her first baby and felt very nervous and upset.  

I remember feeling like I didn’t know if I wanted to bring a baby into this messy situation.

Kristy says she felt confused why he was still turning to pornography when they had what she thought was a healthy and satisfying sex life.  She shared that it felt very traumatic, but after a few days she moved through it but it was still very heavy.  Kristy says that this was not something she could talk with anyone about.  She  felt like personally she could not have approached or told anyone about it.

For the next 15 years, they were just limping along.  He would go back to pornography anywhere from every few months and Kristy shared that while his acting out wasn’t a huge part of life but when it hit, it was the same feelings all over again.  She would ask her husband, “Why are you doing this?” “Why don’t you just stop?” “What is your deal?”.  

Neither one of us had any idea what to do or where to go.

Kristy felt resentment building over time with the repeated acting out.  Gradually, the influence of the pornography crept into places of their marriage they didn’t want it to, intimacy being one of the biggest ones.  Kristy states that she moved into more of a control role and he moved into a more passive, avoidant role.  Neither of them recognized they were gradually become more and more dysfunctional.

Because she didn’t talk to anyone about this, Kristy felt very isolated during these 15 years.  She was the only person who knew about her husband’s addiction besides a few church leaders and she wasn’t going to talk to anyone about.  She shares that she felt that she needed to project perfection on the outside. She felt like she was a “female poser”.

We had a deep dark secret and we were going to project perfection.

Kristy shares that since this situation was so dark, they just pretended like they were awesome and thought no one would know what was going on.  The more Kristy could project the ideal version of herself, the safer she felt.  She wanted it to look like she had it all together and that their family was a super righteous family.  Kristy says she was hustling for this sense of “I am ok, we are ok”, from a place of fear.

Kristy shares that during this time she felt closer to God because He was the only one who knew what was really going on.  She did have frustration and anger toward the Lord.  Kristy received some solace but she was still confused and angry.  She asked God, “Why don’t you fix this? This is a righteous desire.  Why are you leaving us in this?  Why don’t you just take this away?”.  Kristy wanted to put this in the Lord’s hands and not deal with it anymore and go on and live her life.

As her husband started learning that he may have an addiction, Kristy shied away from the words “addiction” or “addict”.  He thought “Hey, addicts can get help”.  But it was hard for her because to her it meant that her husband had no agency in the matter and that scared her.  

She worried an addiction meant he had no accountability for his actions.

Kristy wasn’t going to therapy.  She felt like it was her husband’s thing and he needed to go fix it.  She felt angry, “Why do I have to go to devote my time and attention to this” when it was his thing.  Kristy also shares that she is a very private person and the thought of going into a building and sharing her deepest darkest things was her definition of Hell.  But she decided to give it a chance.  The first night of group, she knew it was the right thing.  

Kristy shares that she loved group therapy, even though she was anxious about it at first.  The women were a safe place for her to go when her husband had a slip, when she was angry and felt irrational.  It was a place where she could go unload and not be judged.  

Those women are heroes and got me through some hard times.

After about 2 or 3 years of some progress and therapy, the worst year happened, including Kristy losing some family members, depression and job loss for her husband, and he was slipping right and left.  She found out that he had not been honoring her boundary to disclose slips within a day to her.  He had been lying for almost a week and when he told her, Kirsty shares that she “flipped”.  She was on her last leg, after the bad year that they had been having. 

It just broke me

Kristy called her sister and told her what was going on and that she couldn’t be home when her kid did, then she packed her things, threw them in the bag, got in her car, and drove northwest until she hit the coast.  This was the darkest time for her in this journey.  “I just need a couple days of peace to myself”, she shared.  She thought he would just hang in there and keep it together for a few days at home, especially for their young children.  But he couldn’t do that and it was bad situation for both of them.  Kristy’s sister called and told her that her husband wasn’t getting out of bed to take care of the kids, so she had to just turn around and head home (after only one night away).  

Kristy shares that this was her rock bottom and when she got home, she says she wasn’t really sure her marriage was going to make it.  Her husband was also developing a phone addiction and numbing instead of connecting.  Kristy wondered if God was calling her out of her marriage. After a few months, Kristy found herself at the Christian Bookstore and picked up a book.  The Lord answered her specific questions through this book.  Word for word, this book answered her questions.  He was not calling her out of her marriage at that time. 

The answers that Kristy received reaffirmed that God was 100% there with her and that he had always be there with her.  Even when she was yelling at the beach “Why?  Why have you left me alone like this?  Why won’t you rescue me from this situation?  Where are you?  Why won’t you step in?”.  Later, she realized He had always been there.  She and her husband needed to learn that God had to be their main focus.  Kristy shares that God is in the details-  He was in the wording of the specific answers from the questions she was yelling at the beach.  He heard her cry on the beach and answered her so personally.

He will answer you in whatever way you need to hear it.

Learning she was not in control was a game changer for Kristy.  God is in control.  Nobody else gets to control anybody.  Her relationship was so important to her that she was just doing all that she could to help fight for it, which is a normal reaction with a relationship that is so important.  Also, Kristy says boundaries are huge for her.  In all aspects of her life.  Relationship with parents, sisters, kids, etc…. Giving other people ownership of their stuff and not taking it on.  She also identified her core values and started living by them.  They keep her true to herself.  Dailies are important to Kristy. Things that help her include exercise, eating well, reading Good’s word each day, sleep, and talking to God (connecting to God) through prayer and meditation.  Kristy shares that she has a running dialogue with God throughout the day.

Prayer is me talking to God and meditation is me listening to God.

Kristy shares that the Lord has brought restoration to her life.  Instead of letting them just move on, He is bringing them further into healing to help people.  And by helping other people, He has restored them.  Kristy says that their capacity to love and devote their time to other people is more than she ever could have done.  It is part of God changing her heart.

It’s a miracle what He’s done with my heart

Kristy reminds us that the Lord is with you.  He is with you every step of the way. Whether you feel Him there or not.  You will look back and realize that those rungs on the ladder that you have climbed up on were miraculously set by a loving God.

Kristy’s Recovery Resources:

Book- Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

Book- It’s Momplicated by Debbie Alsdorf

Workbooks from LifeSTAR group therapy

STAR Gauge

List of Personal Values with statement to go with them

Meditation

Prayer

Kristy’s Song:

“Be Still” by The Killers