Ep. 15- Amy R's Story

Becky and Kristy sit down with Amy R. to share her story. A mother of five, Amy discusses how she was raised in a Christ-centered family in Sandy, Utah. She met her husband while serving a mission for their church in Hungary. 

Amy shares that two-and-a-half years ago, when they had been married about eighteen years, she discovered pornography on an old ipad. When Amy confronted her husband, he didn’t deny that he had a problem. He shared with her he had struggled with pornography since he was ten years old. 

Amy was shocked. She had never suspected anything was amiss and didn’t believe it at first. She shares it was so disorienting. In the first few weeks after discovery, there were many more layers of disclosure, each more painful than the last.

Amy says she had felt that they had a strong, healthy marriage. Her husband was so good at compartmentalization, that there had been very few red flags indicating something was wrong. She shares she had known that her husband had suffered from emotional mismanagement, but it had never occurred to her that it was because of pornography use.

I experienced many betrayal trauma symptoms

Brain fog, sleep disturbances, and changes in how she viewed those around her were just some of the things Amy experienced during this time. Her husband’s issues were also very public knowledge in their community, which added another layer of pain. She shares she had a lot of anger and moments she wanted to “bash the doors in.”

But Amy and her husband jumped right into recovery, enrolling in a therapy program that specializes in unwanted pornography use and sex addiction, LifeStar, within six weeks of discovery. Amy was also open with her children, in age appropriate ways, about what was going on. Because their story was public knowledge, she was also open with members of their community.

My family was “The Team” and we were in this together

Although Amy and her husband sought help right away, there were still many painful moments, she shares. For instance, she remembers looking through photo books and placing their happy family moments within the timeline of what she now knew was her husband’s moments of acting out. Amy says this was very triggering to her. However, over time and through a lot of healing, she was able to find joy in looking through family photos again.

Don’t let his past and his addictions ruin your past. Your past was real to you. 

Often, those experiencing betrayal trauma tell themselves they can’t cherish their memories because their husband wasn’t worthy or honest during those times. But Amy shares that she believes we can choose to cherish them and can, through time and healing, look back and see the joy that was there.

Through therapy, Amy shares that she learned everyone’s story is unique. She believes in recovery for all kinds of people. She went from despising addicts to truly feeling love for them and seeing the Spirit of Christ in them.

Self-care, especially through running and hiking with friends has been essential for Amy’s healing. Although she’s also been educated and uplifted by therapy and by listening to podcasts, it’s the feeling of connection that has been the most help, she shares. 

Over time, Amy says she realized that having connections with people is also so important. She shares how she discovered that not everyone you share your story with has the ability to react with empathy. But it’s still important to search for those who can help.

Amy says that even more important than connections with those around her, though, is her connection with God.

The atonement of Jesus Christ isn’t just about repentance, it’s about healing.

Amy says she is working on her relationship with God. Although she’s not sure why He didn’t tell her clearly what was going on in her marriage, and it’s painful that she went all those years not knowing, she shares that she’s found restoration through Christ. This has come by understanding that the key to healing is having a belief in redemption, in the knowledge that God can redeem us.

Every single one of us can be redeemed from whatever pain we have. He wants to redeem us and get us out of that pain.

Amy R’s Recovery Resources:

Atonement of Jesus Christ

Running and hiking with friends

Connecting with your people

Music

Self-care

Book- “What Can I Do About Me” by Rhyll Croshaw

LifeStar Salt Lake

12 Step Groups- LDS church program and SALifeline

“Eternal Warriors” program by the WORTH Group

Podcasts

Amy R’s Song:

“Cleanse You” by Calee Reed

Ep. 14- Yoga and Healing with Sariah Hoffman, Yoga Therapist

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Sariah Hoffman, a yoga therapist and founder of Backpocket Yoga in Lehi, Utah. She has been teaching yoga for fourteen years and practicing as a yoga therapist for six years. She is the creator of an eight-week yoga therapy program that has helped hundreds of people find themselves after betrayal trauma. Sariah is also the author of the book Beyond Breath. Having gone through betrayal trauma herself, Sariah has used the tools found in her program to find love—love for herself, which has then brought love into her life on all levels.

 Sariah experienced betrayal trauma during her first marriage. She discovered that she was believing her husband more than she was believing herself. She practiced yoga during this time, but due to the betrayal trauma she was experiencing, Sariah wasn’t emotionally present during her thousand hours of yoga teacher training. 

My spirit was dying. My spirit was speaking to me through my body, but I wasn’t listening.

Engaging in talk therapy was a turning point for Sariah, as was learning to say “no.”  Taking care of her body, going to the temple, and praying constantly for discernment also helped.  Slowly, she started seeing herself. So, when her husband told her she was crazy and making things up, Sariah was able to ground herself. She knew if she could feel the ground and could breathe, her heart would slow down and then she could focus and see things clearly.

After her divorce, Sariah did the thousand hours of yoga therapist training again and then added more hours, as well, to become certified.

Sariah shares that yoga is the cessation of the fluctuation of the mind. It’s the ceasing of the chaos in your mind. Yoga is not just the postures (asanas) and the breath work.  It is the way that you live your life. 

You are sacred.

Many people think they can’t do yoga because they aren’t flexible, Sariah says. But any type of body can do yoga. It doesn’t have to be a tough workout.

In the first movement week of her eight-week yoga therapy program, Sariah’s students learn: “I have a right to be here.” They focus on learning to be present in their body, so they can let their body soften and then breathe.

If you change your body, you change your breathing, and then you change your life.

Another misconception about yoga is that it’s a religion. But it’s not. Sariah explains that it actually helps anyone become more firm in their religion, whatever it is. Moving with God, walking with God, is called “yama.” Sariah feels that, 

“If I can be with myself, I can be with God always.”

Sariah also explains that our breath is not ours, it’s God’s. He’s lending it to us, so we need to take care of it. “Your breath doesn’t lie. It’s the ‘trying’ to breathe, powering through it, that gets us stuck.” Sariah shares that the irony is, we have to let go of our breath to be able to breathe in and let God take over. When this happens, we have more clarity and our words can come from a grounded place. 

Sariah shares that yoga is becoming more prevalent in the therapeutic world because the connection to the body is so important. 

Your body holds onto everything.

Therapeutic yoga addresses the emotional backpack that we carry around, Sariah says. Anything that we do not feel lives in the fascia of the body. Every unfelt emotion sits in the fascia and it becomes very tight. Sariah explains that that’s why some yoga postures make you cry, because you’re releasing that fascia.

Sariah shares that another aspect of healing from betrayal trauma that is key is learning about boundaries. All too often, we base our recovery on our husband’s recovery. We still want to be in control. However, yoga teaches you how to learn how to change the dance. 

Recovery is discovery.

Healthy, strong boundaries tell you that you have to get yourself to safety, Sariah says. You have to be the one to hold that power, you can’t give the power over your safety to others.  She shares that when you feel unsafe, it’s your responsibility to get yourself safe, whatever that looks like. It takes time to learn to trust yourself again after you’ve experienced betrayal trauma, shares Sariah. Learning to trust yourself again helps you recognize the signs that you feel unsafe. Setting boundaries and achieving safety for ourselves changes the dance.

When I feel safe, I can make mistakes and it’s okay.

Sariah shares that another crucial aspect of recovery is learning about the triggers we experience in day-to-day life. Triggers occur even when we really are in a place of safety; they’re reminders and they are going to happen. However, Sariah shares, our triggers are not our partner’s job. Even if he’s the one who did these things to cause the pain and the triggers, our triggers are not his.

When we can check in with ourselves, we realize we just need to get ourselves to safety for a minute. Sariah says, “When we leave it up to someone else to not trigger us, it’s as if we have trigger goggles on, and we’re just looking for triggers.”

Sariah shares that the bottom line is, when our partners aren’t in a healthy place, they may be doing things to harm themselves, but they are still sacred. They’re not holding themselves sacred, but they are still sacred. 

You don’t have to wait for him to do the work to start holding yourself sacred.

Sariah’s yoga studio, Back Pocket Yoga, provides “emotional fitness.” She feels that talk therapy helped her, but she found herself stuck in the same place over and over again. When she utilized yoga and got in her body, that’s when the big changes happened.

Sariah’s Recovery Resources:

www.backpocketyogastudios.com

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.

Beyond Breath by Sariah C. Bastian (Sariah Hoffman)

Sariah’s Song: 

“In Dreams” by Jai-Jagdeesh