Ep. 32- TC's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with TC to share her story. TC has been married for twenty years and has

three kids—all now teens. She and her husband are currently serving as coordinators for their area for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Addiction Recovery Program (ARP).

When asked about her relationship with God growing up, TC shares that she always knew He was there, but she didn’t allow herself to rely on Him completely.  She struggled with an eating disorder growing up and she recognized that she would not rely on the Lord for that part of her.

TC says didn’t know anything about porn and sex addiction growing up. And after she was married, she attributed her feeling of disconnection with her husband to the eating disorder or to the normal stresses of life.  

The disconnection continued and then on the 4th of July, TC shares she experienced her last day living in the unknown.  Her bishop knocked on her door and she realized it was a scheduled meeting.  Her husband pulled out a letter and just started reading it to her, with no introduction at all.  TC says her husband was emotional with the confession but also minimized what had been going on.  He had felt scared that his acting out had escalated so much since moving to Arizona and that is what led him to going to talk to the bishop and this meeting.

TS shares that she recognized how hard that must have been for him to share and thanked him for telling her.  And then he told her: 

Your mom and dad know and they’ve known for the last five years. 

TS says that she suddenly felt like she had no one.  She felt totally alone.  

That night she looked up at the dark sky and shut a door on God.

After this disclosure, she shares that she and her husband separated for a time.  She says that was a very dark time for them.  TC says that she relapsed in her eating disorder and went to an inpatient clinic.  She felt judged by others because her husband looked like an amazing guy and she was struggling so hard. Two years after that D-Day, they were in therapy and she’s thinking, “Why don’t I trust him? Why am I still stuck?”  She felt like she wasn’t making any progress. TS says that her husband was lying to her and made up smaller slips to throw her off.   She shares that their bishop knew but she did not have the truth from her husband.  But, she says,

 The Spirit was so clearly saying, “Trust me. There’s something wrong.”

TC shares that her husband was really good at focusing on her weaknesses and bringing her eating disorder into her feeling that something was wrong.  Becky says: “We doubt ourselves. We don’t know exactly what’s wrong, but we know it’s something”.  And when the addict is gaslighting and lying “The spouses manifest as the crazy ones usually.”  Tiffany says that we do make mistakes and sometimes we feel unworthy to receive inspiration, “But God will show us despite our weaknesses, He will speak to us”. 

TC shares that she had to learn through this process and her eyes are open to things she didn't see before. 

I’m holding my ground. When I feel something, I feel it and I’m not budging.

She shares that we push ourselves to heal faster but we need to take out time.  Our healing does not take the same amount of time as our spouses in addiction.

TC says that one of the reasons she was mad at her husband for not telling her sooner is that she shared her eating disorder with him when they got serious in their dating.  She shares that the eating disorder and sex addiction was the perfect storm for Satan. “I prostituted myself out to fix him.”

In 2009, TC says she found out her husband was lying again and they separated for eight months. He hadn’t been ready to give up his addiction, so he got better at hiding it.  She felt foggy when he was around and needed space from him.  TC shares that she attended Camp Scabs for women whose husbands are porn/sex addicts.  She feels she became a new person with a voice and ready to take control of her life regardless of what her husband chose.  

She could look at these beautiful sane women and not feel crazy herself.

During the separation TC says she hadn’t opened up to anyone and had pushed God away even before that.she says that a lot of her decisions came from pure exhaustion. With God she felt, “This is my last resort, so I guess I’ll talk to you.”  She didn’t know what to do, stay separated or get back together with her husband. TC shares that she was in the bath and she looked up and said,

 “Do you love me?”  and the love poured on me. God said, “I’ve been waiting.” 

TC says that as humans, if you put them in a corner and say, don’t even look at me. Humans will say “Forget you”.  But God doesn’t do that. He was waiting with open arms.  This experience caused a new resolve and a new focus in TC.  She shares her gratitude for God- 

“Thank you for not giving up on me, God, because I did give up on you.”

He’s waiting anxiously on the other side of the door for us to open it.

TC shares that she still struggles with intimacy but does trusts her husband completely, which is a “full on miracle”. She also shares that she struggles with body image and projecting her experiences on others.

Regardless of all of this, TC shares that 

God is not playing a role in my healing, He is my healing. 

She says it’s really great to have a husband who chose recovery, but she got to a place where she knew regardless of what happened, she would be okay with God.

TC’s Recovery Resources:

ARP

Individual therapy

Healing Through Christ workbook 

Camp Scabs

Togetherness Project

Reaching Out- Find a safe person and don’t do it alone!

Trust Yourself

TC’s Song:

I Am by Nichole Nordeman

Ep. 31- Sexuality and Pleasure with Jessica Holfeltz, LCMHC & Sex Therapist

Just a reminder to listeners that the topic of sexual health is an important step in the recovery journey, and if you are not yet in the place in your recovery to work on that piece, that is perfectly normal and okay. Listeners are invited to skip this episode if needed and rejoin on the next one!

Jessica Holfeltz is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Sex Therapist.  One of her career passions is teaching the importance of sexual health, sexuality, and connection. She also provides therapeutic treatment for concerns such as sex during and post-cancer, Painful Intercourse, LGBTQ+ Mental & Sexual Health, Trauma, Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB) as well as how to stay connected within a relationship when sex is not an option.  She currently owns her own practice in Utah as well as works part-time at LifeStar.  Jessica also loves creating and has recently started stitching, both snarky and beautiful projects!

Becky, Autumn and Tiffany welcome back Jessica Holfeltz, LCMHC and Sex Therapist, to talk about pleasure and sexuality.  Tiffany starts the episode by focusing on what is pleasure and how to include pleasure in our healthy sexuality.  Jessica starts the podcast reminding us of the six basic principles of healthy sexuality (Consent, Non-exploitation, Honesty, Shared Values, Protection from STIs, HIV, & Unwanted Pregnancy, and Pleasure).

Jessica shares that whether someone is in a relationship or not, it is important to understand their relationship with their own pleasure.  It is about getting curious without judgement and asking yourself what you like and what you don’t like.  And not just with sex, but everything.  She says that learning what you really like is important, along with exploring to make sure that it is coming from a place of authenticity.

Jessica talks about being undifferentiated, “I don’t know who I am.  I am only who my partner knows who I am.  I like what you like”.  Autumn shares that it’s like in the movie “Runaway Bride”.  The main character has to find herself so that she can find why she is running.  She needs to figure out what she really likes and then can choose.  Like this example, Jessia shares, in life, we need to know what we like so we can choose.

Looking to the 2nd Commandment, we are commanded to “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”  Jessica says that often we really gloss over that part- how we love ourself.  Loving yourself is seen as selfish but it is just finding out who you are, who you are becoming.  She says that often in pleasure, we, as women, defer to what others like, from restaurants to movies and more.  Jessica wonders

Do I put myself first and do consider that as selfish or am I just speaking my truth?

Becky shares that years ago in church a man shared that his wife always gave him the bigger half of the candy bar.  But “what if I want the bigger half of the candy bar?  Or my own candy bar?”.  She says that there is nothing selfish about wanting her own candy bar.  Jessica questions if culturally or socially, how are you looked upon as a woman who gives others the bigger half?  Becky says she doesn’t think we are closer to God when we don’t take care of ourselves.  Jessica believes it is just fine to share your candy bar if you want to.  But it is important to examine if there is any resentment about sharing and to focus on what is authentic in the situation.

Jessica shares that when we prop up women for selflessness and for always sacrificing, we are propping up sacrificing yourself.  It is so important to make sure we are not teaching little girls (or anyone, really) that sacrificing their desires is what makes them a “good wife”.

How many women don’t know about their own bodies capacity for pleasure?

Jessica shares that within the context of a relationship, especially a sexual relationship, we do a disservice to our young girls and boys by not discussing pleasure. The Lord gave us these bodies and they were built for pleasure but it is discouraged.  And that can be really confusing.

Jessica says one of her biggest realizations came when she learned that the clitoris is the sexual pleasure home in a woman’s body.  She shares that it has no other function, other than pleasure. Why do we have this?  Why were we created to have a clitoris that has no other function other than pleasure?  Jessica believes that it is because we are loved as daughters of Heavenly Parents.  We are loved and they wanted us to have pleasure as they do.

Jessica shares we are not doing our boys or girls any favors by not talking about sexual pleasure.  That part of my body has no other function except to bring me joy.  She says

Pleasure is joy.  And men and women are that they are to have joy.  It’s simple.

So how do we begin?  Jessica says that talking as adults and with our kids about pleasure is important.  It can begin with non-sexual things- what kind of treat would you like tonight?  This sets kids up to have more conversations like this in the future.

Jessica says that when she got married she had the underlying belief that her husband held the key to her sexuality, her pleasure.  And that it wasn't until she entered into a sexual relationship with him that she became alive fully.  Autumn observes that there is a lot of shame around that.  And how would husbands even know?  That puts a lot on a spouse to figure it out for you.

Autumn suggests sitting down with your partner and having a frank conversation about not knowing what you like and wanting to find out as a good place to start.  Having an open dialogue without the stigma.  Without handing someone the keys to be in charge of your sexuality.  Tiffany shares that this you to come from a place of authenticity and vulnerability and that is what we want our relationships based on.  Jessica says that it’s not on one person’s shoulders in the relationship.

Jessica shares there can be stigma around talking about pleasure.  She shares that she felt quiet about it and would just shut down.  Growing up, it wasn’t ok to talk about it and then suddenly when she got married, it was ok.  It can feel very confusing.  Becky shares the importance of talking about pleasure and living in a space where it’s safe to talk about it.  She says, “We have to talk about it”.

Each of us has the right to feel pleasure.

Each of us have the right to experience it, to express it, to ask for it.  We all have the right.

Pleasure is part of healthy sexuality.

Jessica ends with some pointers to start learning about pleasure:

~Start with non-sexual things- you can even write them down and have conversations about them.  These are low-stake conversations with your partner.  She says to practice with ice cream or cookies or what you like on your potatoes. 

~Start getting curious about yourself, without judgement.  That is where you find out what you like.

~Own what you like and don’t like.  She says it is like consent- own that Yes or No.

Jessica’s Resources:

Jessica’s website- www.jessicaholfeltz.com

Jessica Holfeltz and her colleague, Alex Blankenstein (who is also a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor), are offering a couple’s course called, “Mindful Sex for Couples: A Sexual Health Therapeutic Intensive.”  In this course, couples will learn important principles of sexual health as well as how to more deeply and vulnerably connect with themselves and each other.  This course is designed for couples who have/are in the process of therapeutic work.  Limited space is available, so make sure to contact Jessica at jessholfeltz@gmail.com with questions or to see if this intensive is the right fit for you.

Book- “Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior” by Douglas Braun-Harvey and Michael A. Vigorito

Starting pointers:

1-Start with non-sexual things

2-Get curious about yourself and find out what you like

3-Own what you like and don’t like

Song

“To Build a Home” by The Cinematic Orchestra