Ep. 4- Kristy's Story

Becky sits down with Kristy, one of the show’s cohosts, to share her story.  Kristy is a mom of 4 kids and married to James, who is a sex addict.  They have been married for 21 years and it’s been a journey.  Kristy was born in Montana and moved to Utah when she was 2 or 3 years old.  She had a great mom and dad growing up, her dad was not a religious man and her mom was a lapsed person.  She feels she had a great childhood.  In her free time, Kristy loves to read (#1 passion), loves to knit (it’s a calming, nice hobby), loves history, learning, and teaching.

Kirsty’s grew up with great parents that were not religious.  They are very non-judgmental and loving people.  Her mom was a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints and she would attend sometimes, and the kids would go along with her.  Sometimes the kids would go alone or not go at all.

God was something we kind of had to find on our own

Kristy loved church.  She shares that she loved being there and the feeling she got when she prayed.  As she got older, as a young teenager, she loved reading scripture a little bit.  Kristy says she knew that He was there.  She had a really natural belief and she never really struggled to believe.  She knew I did have a loving Heavenly Father.  Kristy shares that she felt like she had a very solid spiritual foundation in spite of not having an “organized religion” religious family.

As she began dating more seriously, Kristy and James had discussions about things they felt they should know about each other.  As they shared, he mentioned that he struggled with pornography.  It didn’t shock her and she didn’t go running away. Kristy shares she was a little nervous but she also was very young and overcome with love.  They figured that marriage would work it out and once they were sexually active, it would just take care of everything. 

About 6 months into marriage, Kristy learned that pornography was still a part of his life and she shares that it really hurt to find that out.  She was expecting her first baby and felt very nervous and upset.  

I remember feeling like I didn’t know if I wanted to bring a baby into this messy situation.

Kristy says she felt confused why he was still turning to pornography when they had what she thought was a healthy and satisfying sex life.  She shared that it felt very traumatic, but after a few days she moved through it but it was still very heavy.  Kristy says that this was not something she could talk with anyone about.  She  felt like personally she could not have approached or told anyone about it.

For the next 15 years, they were just limping along.  He would go back to pornography anywhere from every few months and Kristy shared that while his acting out wasn’t a huge part of life but when it hit, it was the same feelings all over again.  She would ask her husband, “Why are you doing this?” “Why don’t you just stop?” “What is your deal?”.  

Neither one of us had any idea what to do or where to go.

Kristy felt resentment building over time with the repeated acting out.  Gradually, the influence of the pornography crept into places of their marriage they didn’t want it to, intimacy being one of the biggest ones.  Kristy states that she moved into more of a control role and he moved into a more passive, avoidant role.  Neither of them recognized they were gradually become more and more dysfunctional.

Because she didn’t talk to anyone about this, Kristy felt very isolated during these 15 years.  She was the only person who knew about her husband’s addiction besides a few church leaders and she wasn’t going to talk to anyone about.  She shares that she felt that she needed to project perfection on the outside. She felt like she was a “female poser”.

We had a deep dark secret and we were going to project perfection.

Kristy shares that since this situation was so dark, they just pretended like they were awesome and thought no one would know what was going on.  The more Kristy could project the ideal version of herself, the safer she felt.  She wanted it to look like she had it all together and that their family was a super righteous family.  Kristy says she was hustling for this sense of “I am ok, we are ok”, from a place of fear.

Kristy shares that during this time she felt closer to God because He was the only one who knew what was really going on.  She did have frustration and anger toward the Lord.  Kristy received some solace but she was still confused and angry.  She asked God, “Why don’t you fix this? This is a righteous desire.  Why are you leaving us in this?  Why don’t you just take this away?”.  Kristy wanted to put this in the Lord’s hands and not deal with it anymore and go on and live her life.

As her husband started learning that he may have an addiction, Kristy shied away from the words “addiction” or “addict”.  He thought “Hey, addicts can get help”.  But it was hard for her because to her it meant that her husband had no agency in the matter and that scared her.  

She worried an addiction meant he had no accountability for his actions.

Kristy wasn’t going to therapy.  She felt like it was her husband’s thing and he needed to go fix it.  She felt angry, “Why do I have to go to devote my time and attention to this” when it was his thing.  Kristy also shares that she is a very private person and the thought of going into a building and sharing her deepest darkest things was her definition of Hell.  But she decided to give it a chance.  The first night of group, she knew it was the right thing.  

Kristy shares that she loved group therapy, even though she was anxious about it at first.  The women were a safe place for her to go when her husband had a slip, when she was angry and felt irrational.  It was a place where she could go unload and not be judged.  

Those women are heroes and got me through some hard times.

After about 2 or 3 years of some progress and therapy, the worst year happened, including Kristy losing some family members, depression and job loss for her husband, and he was slipping right and left.  She found out that he had not been honoring her boundary to disclose slips within a day to her.  He had been lying for almost a week and when he told her, Kirsty shares that she “flipped”.  She was on her last leg, after the bad year that they had been having. 

It just broke me

Kristy called her sister and told her what was going on and that she couldn’t be home when her kid did, then she packed her things, threw them in the bag, got in her car, and drove northwest until she hit the coast.  This was the darkest time for her in this journey.  “I just need a couple days of peace to myself”, she shared.  She thought he would just hang in there and keep it together for a few days at home, especially for their young children.  But he couldn’t do that and it was bad situation for both of them.  Kristy’s sister called and told her that her husband wasn’t getting out of bed to take care of the kids, so she had to just turn around and head home (after only one night away).  

Kristy shares that this was her rock bottom and when she got home, she says she wasn’t really sure her marriage was going to make it.  Her husband was also developing a phone addiction and numbing instead of connecting.  Kristy wondered if God was calling her out of her marriage. After a few months, Kristy found herself at the Christian Bookstore and picked up a book.  The Lord answered her specific questions through this book.  Word for word, this book answered her questions.  He was not calling her out of her marriage at that time. 

The answers that Kristy received reaffirmed that God was 100% there with her and that he had always be there with her.  Even when she was yelling at the beach “Why?  Why have you left me alone like this?  Why won’t you rescue me from this situation?  Where are you?  Why won’t you step in?”.  Later, she realized He had always been there.  She and her husband needed to learn that God had to be their main focus.  Kristy shares that God is in the details-  He was in the wording of the specific answers from the questions she was yelling at the beach.  He heard her cry on the beach and answered her so personally.

He will answer you in whatever way you need to hear it.

Learning she was not in control was a game changer for Kristy.  God is in control.  Nobody else gets to control anybody.  Her relationship was so important to her that she was just doing all that she could to help fight for it, which is a normal reaction with a relationship that is so important.  Also, Kristy says boundaries are huge for her.  In all aspects of her life.  Relationship with parents, sisters, kids, etc…. Giving other people ownership of their stuff and not taking it on.  She also identified her core values and started living by them.  They keep her true to herself.  Dailies are important to Kristy. Things that help her include exercise, eating well, reading Good’s word each day, sleep, and talking to God (connecting to God) through prayer and meditation.  Kristy shares that she has a running dialogue with God throughout the day.

Prayer is me talking to God and meditation is me listening to God.

Kristy shares that the Lord has brought restoration to her life.  Instead of letting them just move on, He is bringing them further into healing to help people.  And by helping other people, He has restored them.  Kristy says that their capacity to love and devote their time to other people is more than she ever could have done.  It is part of God changing her heart.

It’s a miracle what He’s done with my heart

Kristy reminds us that the Lord is with you.  He is with you every step of the way. Whether you feel Him there or not.  You will look back and realize that those rungs on the ladder that you have climbed up on were miraculously set by a loving God.

Kristy’s Recovery Resources:

Book- Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

Book- It’s Momplicated by Debbie Alsdorf

Workbooks from LifeSTAR group therapy

STAR Gauge

List of Personal Values with statement to go with them

Meditation

Prayer

Kristy’s Song:

“Be Still” by The Killers

Ep. 3- Tiffany's Story

Becky sits down with Tiffany, one of the show’s cohosts, to hear her story.  Tiffany is a mother, “first and foremost”.  She has five kids and says they are the best ones in the whole wide world.  She is a full time hospice nurse and right now she is a “fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, make-it-work kind of person”.  She was married for 17 years to a sex addict.  She has been divorced for 2 years and wants to share the light and restoration she has received on her journey.

            Tiffany had a strong relationship with God growing up.  She always knew He was there and that He loved her.  She always wanted to do her best and never wanted to get in trouble.  Even then, she always knew He was there for her.  After she married, approaching her 2nd anniversary, she felt like things were off with her husband.  She didn’t know why but she felt like things weren’t progressing like they could.  Her husband confessed he had been into pornography.  Tiffany says it blew her mind because it was completely unexpected.  Growing up, she knew pornography existed but it was a “naughty” word in her home.

He confessed and everything just kind of stopped.

Tiffany shares she thinks she went into shock, that her mind didn’t know what to do with the information.  She assumed that it just happened and he confessed, she would forgive him, and then they would move forward.  She shares that she had no understanding of what this all meant or what to do about it.  But it was “definitely shameful” and she decided she would not be talking to anyone about it.  And she didn’t.  She didn’t tell anyone.  It was 10 years before she talked to anyone about it.

Tiffany shares that her husband’s acting out continued happening and sometimes there was confession and honesty and other times lies and hiding.  It started piling up inside Tiffany and became a nightmare for her.  Life was unstable and unsafe.  Tiffany says the way she reacted to this lack of safety was to go to a place of hiding and controlling what she could.  She worked to make her home safe and happy and make it so anything her husband didn’t want to do, he didn’t have to do because it might upset him and “make him do something bad”.  Tiffany shares that she was the “BEST wife” she could be and they had the cleanest house and she took care of all the chores.

But it kept happening.

Tiffany talks about how even though she was doing all that she could to stop her husband’s acting out, it kept happening.  The home and family only looked happy from the outside.  Tiffany shares that she was home freaking out which looked like being irritable with her children, withdrawing from friends and family, and isolating.  She just felt like it wasn’t safe to share with anyone.  Some of the hardest parts of this time were the obsessive thoughts about keeping her marriage and family safe.  Tiffany shares that she constantly swept the computer looking for something she may have missed, what he may have looked at, what he didn’t tell her about.  She talks about seeing a car on the street that looked like her husband’s car and stopping to check the license plate to see if it was his because he should be at work.  

This hardest time also included hours and hours of crying.  People say it’s good to cry but Tiffany would think to herself, “You don’t know.  When someone has cried 100 hours in a week, is that enough?  Because it feels like enough to me”.  But she couldn’t stop crying.  The pain was exquisite.  And repeatedly so.  It was a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. Tiffany shares that this pain affected every aspect of her being.  And there was nothing to compare it to.  In this darkest time, Tiffany says her relationship with the Lord shifted to begging and pleading and bargaining.  She would tell the Lord she couldn’t do it anymore and, again and again, a weight was lifted off her shoulder.  She says she realized that God was still there and she wasn’t supposed to carry this alone.  The weight wasn’t completely lifted but she learned that He had been there through all of it.

There is no way I could have stood through all those years without the Lord.

Through all of this, Tiffany talks about being very committed to her marriage and divorce was never in her future.  She never contemplated divorce.  She shares that she was IN IT.  Finally, after 10 years, there was family event that her husband was not going to be able to participate in and both sides of the family found out about her husband’s addiction. It was like a weight had again been lifted from her shoulders.  This was her first step in learning how important it is to have support people.  

Tiffany and her husband had tried therapy once before but he did not like it.  She felt like it was their only hope but it didn’t continue.  Later, Tiffany decided it was time.  She said to her husband, “I am going to therapy!  Come or don’t.  I need help”.  He went with her. That started many years of therapy.  Tiffany shares that she did everything she could think of.  She didn’t want to leave any stone unturned.  She attended group therapy, marriage therapy, individual therapy, and more.  Tiffany shares that the Lord’s Light came and went for her during this time.  Her husband never found much recovery or sobriety while they were married.  Eventually she learned of a long-term affair her husband had been having.  Tiffany shares that she took her time to process that.  In the space of reflecting on her boundaries and safety, 

The Lord told her that had learned everything she need to learn and the light just flooded in.

            And it came to Tiffany that she was done.  And then came the decision to divorce.  Tiffany shares that this was a very sacred process for her.  She knew she was on the right track because she didn’t make the decision based on resentment or anger or despair. She talks about how the whole divorce journey was a miracle for her, being guided every single day in a clear way that it was the right thing.  Tiffany had been fully invested in her marriage and fought for it for many years.  Divorce was not really there until the Spirit let her know.   

God was there and I knew it was the right path for me.

            Tiffany says that the light had come and gone but it never stayed and grew until she was willing to take these steps for her healing and toward God.  She says the peace she found is reflected in her children and in her ex-husband.  They are both in a better place than they have ever been.

Tiffany talks about really learning that Christ is the Healer.  Not her.  She learned that letting go was vital.  Letting go of her husband’s recovery and letting go of her control were so powerful for her.  She reminds us to trust our intuition in this process.  Tiffany shares that looking back she knew what was going on and now has learned to trust herself.  And most of all, Tiffany shares that she learned that she needed God just as much as her husband.  

The only thing that can counteract the exquisite pain is the exquisite beauty of the atonement.

            As her divorce was finalized, Tiffany shares that felt she needed to mourn.  Losing her marriage was like a death for her.  She knew she didn’t want to have a party, even though there were very hard and painful things she was not going to have in her life anymore.  Tiffany shares that she decided to peacefully take steps to walk through her marriage, the good and bad.  She came up with a way to help her through the mourning process and recognize the pain and loss of her marriage. This was very powerful and helped her find peace and the beginnings of stepping forward after her divorce.  Tiffany wanted to share this tool with others and created a kit called “My Marriage Memorial” on Etsy to help others move through the mourning process of losing their marriages.

            Tiffany shares that she has found restoration through Christ through practicing trust.  One foot in front of the other.  She knows He is going to be there to catch her every step of the way.  Tiffany talks about how it is ok to be angry and hurt.  Some of her best answered prayers where when she yelled at the Lord. She knows He can handle it.  She talks about staying with the Lord and giving it time and the Lord’s restoration will come.

Find someone you can share your story with because to be known, that’s why we are here.

Tiffany’s Recovery Resources:

Qualified therapy

Healing Through Christ 12-Step Group

Self-care

Massages

Yoga- release that trauma

My Marriage Memorial- Etsy

Tiffany’s Music:

Eye of the Storm- Ryan Stevenson

Just like Fire- P!nk

Fight Song- Rachel Platten

Overwhelmed- Big Daddy Weave

“Fly”- Maddie and Tae