Ep. 6- Marni's Story

Becky and Kristy sit down with Marni to hear her story.  Marni is a single mom to 4 children who is their biggest cheerleader and support.  She loves to read, be in the outdoors, exercise and self-care.  She likes to spend her time traveling with family and having lunch dates with her girlfriends.  

Marni shares that she grew up in a home that was healthy and normal.  Her parents’ marriage was one that was an example of what she wanted for her marriage when she grew up.  Marni talks about having a strong relationship with God growing up and that she had an understanding that she is a daughter of God.  When she was 15 years old, her mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 3 years later.  During that time, Marni shares it was a really hard time but she also saw lots of blessings- people serving her family and praying for them.  After her mom passed away, Marni says she had her first “yelling match” with God about the unfairness of the situation.  Through this, she came to understand thee atonement in her life and that Christ suffered for her so that He could understand what she was going through.  The Atonement didn’t only have to do with sinning.  These lessons really helped Marni later in her life as she has gone through other challenges.

The Atonement has to do with pain and loss, too.  

Marni believed that she was married to her best friend.  They were married for 21 years before she realized there were any major problems.  Marni’s husband traveled a lot for work and life was busy with 4 kids.  They were like 2 ships passing in the night.  Because of an injury that made her stop and look at her life, Marni had to sit and see it for what is was.  She confronted her husband about changing their marriage and they talked about adding date nights, maybe working on communication and connecting more.  Throughout their marriage, there had been small insignificant lies by her husband but after an insignificant lie she confronted him on, he texted her and told her he wanted a divorce. 

Marni shares that she felt hurt and didn’t understand why he felt the way he did.  She was shocked and didn’t know that it was that bad.  She felt like they had a really great family.  Marni felt like there must be something wrong with her that he couldn’t come and tell her the truth about small things.  Her husband didn’t want to go to couple’s marriage, but she found an individual therapist and worked with her for four months, every week.  She thought all of the marriage problems were her fault and, on her head, and her husband continued to let her take it all on her shoulders.

Then, Christmas morning early, Marni found her husband’s work phone in their bed.  She woke up and saw sexting and more from her husband to many other women he had been with.  Pictures and conversations.  She couldn’t believe it.  Marni shares that she thought her husband’s phone had been hacked.  She didn’t think he was capable of doing this, especially while she was setting up Christmas for their kids, he had just said prayers with her and just kissed her goodnight.   Marni shares that she thought they were doing better in their marriage and she became physically sick.  Her husband he woke up but then started texting the same woman again and then fell asleep.  It was confirmation that this was real.  That someone did not sneak in and steal his phone. 

This is when she knew it was real.

Marni talks about calling her therapist (on Christmas morning) who had suggested that her husband was a sex addict.  She didn’t understand all that that meant so she prayed for the strength to have Christmas morning with the children.  Later that day, Marni tried to give him a chance to come forward.  She told him she has to trust him and that she would like to start with a clean slate and her husband agreed but still did not come forward with the truth.  As Marni confronted him with the truth, he would not communicate.  He had nothing to say and stonewalled.  She shares that she told him he needed to move out and he started getting angry and yelling and lashing out.  When they said the children down together, her husband tried to blame Marni for what was going on to the kids so interrupted and he stopped him.  She shares that is was scary and confusing for their children, who had never seen their parents fight before.  Suddenly her husband was angry and mean. Marni says that the spirit of the home was in a fog.  And when her husband moved out, the feeling in the home was cleaner.  Pure.  She shares that there was a lot more clarity when he left.

The darkest time for Marni were when she saw her marriage and family falling apart and she thought it was all her fault.  She shares that at one point she was so low that as she was going on for a surgery, she didn’t want to wake up from it.  She wanted what was best for her children and she convinced that wasn’t her.  Looking back, Marni says that she recognized she wasn’t perfect, but she was able to see that the darkness in her marriage and family was coming because of what her husband was doing.  Again, when he saw Marni at her lowest points, he continued to encourage her to see that it was all her fault.  

It was soul destructive.

Marni shares that as she found out more and more, she started to recognize that even though her husband was telling her that he was still working on their marriage, he continued the relationships with other women.  She thought that they were working together on their marriage, but they weren’t.  He wasn’t working on it at all.  He just kept lying and lying.  And Marni shares that it kept hurting every time he lied to her.  She wondered WHY?  Why was he doing this?  She just wanted him to let her go.

It was devastating.  It flattened me out.

If you don’t want to be with me, just let me go.

During this time, Marni talks about feeling very numb and wondered where God had been this whole time.  What had been going on that He hadn’t saved her and her children from this pain.  Marni shares that she had always been very prayerful, especially for her children.  The Lord started to show her where He had been throughout her life.  She says that she could look back and see where God had protected her and the children.  Even if they couldn’t be fully protected from her husband’s agency.  She could see Him in her broken ankle that allowed her to slow down and see her life and marriage for what they really were.  Marni shares that this is what led her to talk to her husband, what led here to therapy, and then led her to letting people into her home to serve her and her children.  After her husband texted and telling her he wanted to divorce, The Lord helped Marni mentally prepare to live separately from her husband.  And this helped her prepare to accept the help from friends, where before she would not let help her before.

God knew she would need a safety net before she even knew she needed it.

Marni shares that there were little pieces of light in the middle of the dark.  There came so much clarity and understanding and moments of feeling like an answer to prayers, even though it was so hard.  Becky shared that “Clarity helps brings truth and light-- Truth brings so much light.  Even if it’s painful truth, it brings so much light.  Then you have the information to make decisions.”   Marni says she never believed that God would ever give her the answer to divorce her husband, but when He did, she followed His guidance.  She checked back with the Lord to make sure that is where He was guiding and would examine her intentions to makes sure she was in the right place. But He guided her to the right step for herself and her children. 

She knew that healing was possible for her husband and for the children and her, but she knew it just wasn’t going to be together.

Marni shares that the process of divorce, there was a whole flood of answers to prayers.  She says that if someone had mentioned divorced even a few weeks before, she couldn’t have even considered it.  But once she had that answer, she knew she would follow the Lord and act.   Once Marni was ready and willing to act, she says that little confirmations kept coming and coming throughout the whole process.  She says she couldn’t have figured all this out without with the Lord.  She shares that forgiveness is between her and God.  She knows He wants better for her and in forgiveness, her relationship with God is strengthened.

Marni says she is still working on trust.  She is working with her therapist to trust herself and a healthier way to trust others because she trusted other so much that she discounted her own insticnts.  She shares that knows her truth and that she felt spiritual experiences, even with her husband.  Because it was about HER truth with God, not her husband’s.

Seeking God’s truth is the most important thing.

I know that I can always trust God.

When I know I can’t trust anyone around me,

I know that I can trust that relationship.

Marni shares that she really has been restored through Christ.  She feels she is a work in process.  She has fallen to the ground and is being picked up and put back together.  She is rediscovering things about herself and has never had to be so dependent on God in her entire life.

The person that I am becoming out of this is a better version, through a Refiner’s Fire.  

I have been stuck in the fire, molded down, and now I am being shaped into something better.  

God, lead me where I need to go.  And to be brave enough.

Marni’s Recovery Resources:

Addiction Recovery Support Group for Spouses

Connection with other safe people

Learning what Betrayal Trauma is

Qualified therapist for Betrayal Trauma

Book- The Journey of Abandonment Healing by Susan Anderson

Book- The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu

Marni’s Song:

“Clean” by Taylor Swift

Ep. 5- What is Betrayal Trauma? Beckie Hennessy, LCSW

Becky and Autumn sit down with therapeutic professional Beckie Hennessy, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, owner of BRICKS Family Counseling.  Beckie is APSATS (Associate Partner of Sex Addicts Trained Specialist) trained and a CCPS-candidate (Certified Clinical Partner Specialist) and works with partners of sex addicts in her practice.

Beckie began her career working on a children’s trauma team and as she began working with partners of addicts, she saw very similar behaviors.  She realized that trauma is trauma and started treating partners of addicts with general trauma interventions.  In 2009, it all came together for Beckie when she learned about betrayal trauma through Barbara Steffens’ book “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”.  She has been trained specifically for betrayal trauma and has found that specialized treatment is so beneficial for partners of sex addicts.

Beckie shares a definition of trauma and that trauma is very individual.  She shared that things effect each individual differently and whether something is traumatic or not depends on the person.  What is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another person.  Betrayal trauma (or relational trauma) is often called “attachment injuries”.  This trauma is 

when one person betrays, abandons, or refuses to provide support for another with whom he or she has developed an attachment bond.

Beckie shares that this trauma is something that can happen when you are in a relationship with someone.  It can be a relationship with a parent, spouse, sibling, anyone you have a relationship with.  If there is an attachment there, there is the possibility of attachment injuries.  Many individuals that Beckie sees come in, usually after discovery or disclosure, and talk about what is going on side their minds and in their body.  These symptoms parallel the signs of general trauma.  If her book, Dr. Steffens found that a HIGH percentage of individuals coming in (primarily women but men as well) had symptoms that resembled PTSD.  Not everyone who has been betrayed has PTSD, but trauma is trauma.  And the symptoms were showing up the same.

So, what does trauma look like?  Again, Beckie says, this can be very individual but like general trauma, betrayal trauma can manifest to look like other things- anxiety, depression, ADHD.  And as they work and look deeper, often time there is some kind of trauma present.  Beckie discusses what betrayal trauma can look like mentally and physically (which can include confusion, feeling scatter-brained, nightmare, racing heart, upset stomach, shortness of breath, and more…).  Many times partners come into Beckie’s office and report the “Feel like (they are) crazy!” and want help.

Beckie shares how she supports those who are experiencing betrayal trauma.  Through her training, she has learned to recognize that safety needs to be the first things addressed, then they can move on to dealing with the issue (mourn and deal with the trauma piece), and then work to reintegrate and reconnect to the world, the individual, and their life.

Every single time I start with safety!

Establishing physical safety is the first priority!  Once physical safety is addressed, mental, spiritual, emotional safety is next.  Beckie says partners just want to feel safe, want to feel like they can trust, they just want to know which way is up.  A lot of behaviors that show up at the beginning, that look “crazy” from the outside, Beckie shares that the partner is just seeking safety.  And this safety can continue to be established when the basics are taken care of- eating three meals a day, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep.  

This safety is vital to move forward through and although the trauma piece explains the behavior but it’s also important to remember that it doesn’t excuse the behavior.  Beckie wants to support people in through their healing.  The key word being “through”.  It is the difference between being in survival mode and staying in victim mode, the difference between post-traumatic growth and a victim mentality.  Beckie shares that there is a difference between “hunkering down and stay there versus hunkering down and seeing that ‘this hurts’, taking a breath, and standing back up”.  Beckie notes that 

it is important not to put a timeline on healing

This is not something that will be all better after a month.  Being patient with yourself is the key to this.  It takes time to find safety and be able to learn coping skills and how to feel grounded in hard situations.

Beckie talks about safety through boundaries.  Boundaries are about the partner and what will be allowed in the partner’s life.  It isn’t about controlling the behavior of others.  The key is the focus on what you will and will not allow in your life.  Beckie shares the difference between a boundary and a rule and how important it is to share your boundaries with your spouse, or it isn’t a boundary.

Boundaries are HUGE part of safety.

Beckie shares that ways for friends, family members, ecclesiastical leaders too support those experiencing betrayals trauma.  She shares that first- it is not your job to save or fix them. That is what the Savior is for.  Next she stresses empathy and compassion for the betrayed partner.  It is important to be consistently patient, loving and there for them.  Next, Beckie cautions us to not “should” on anyone.  One way of handling hard situations will not be the same for everyone.  Just because something worked for a neighbor, doesn’t mean help this partner.  

Forgiveness and trust are NOT the same thing.

Finally, Beckie shares that there is a big difference between forgiveness and trust.  We are commanded to forgive but we are not commanded to trust.  The scriptures are clear about this.  Christ did not trust everyone and that is a good example for all of us.  Trust only comes after safety.

Everyone gets to use the God filter.

Beckie reminds us that the only individual we have to trust is God.  We can take everything too Him and be guided to make decisions for ourselves.  Giving yourself and others time is important.  Partners need time to deal with their trauma and find safety before trusting can be part of the equation.

Beckie is a Christian-based therapist and she has come to find that therapy goes much quicker if God and Jesus are involved.  She is a huge believer that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can fix anything.  God may not take the pain, but He will sit right next to you in it.  He will not leave you in it, even if He doesn’t take it.  He is absolutely in it with you, even if you don’t want Him to be.  Even if you are mad at Him.  Beckie shares that many people come in and are just hanging on and they need to let go and just be held by God.

God is not going anywhere.  He is going to stay by you.

Beckie’s Recovery Resources:

APSATS website- https://www.apsats.org

Beckie’s Podcast- The Path of Imperfection (soon to be The Path of Connection)

Beckie’s Song:

“Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns