Ep. 7- Amy's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Amy to hear her story. Amy is a married mother of 4 children, including 3 boys and a young baby girl. She loves getting outdoors and being creative in the DIY world. Amy shares that she was raised in a religious family with good parents that believed in God. She was the oldest of 4 siblings and always knew God was there intellectually. She said her relationship with God varied from time to time. Amy also developed a belief that God loved her, but she had to “check boxes” to earn affection from the Lord. She adopted a deep sense of perfectionism—that she would hurt her siblings and those around her if her example was less than ideal, and her worth lay in her accomplishments.

Amy started college at BYU and met her husband her senior year when friends introduced them, and they soon became engaged and married.

As I look back on my journals about when I went to college at BYU, I took on the perfectionist role, became an overachiever.  Being involved in everything was my badge of honor.

Before the wedding, she did not know about his addiction. He asked if she believed in Jesus Christ’s Atonement and ability to make us clean. Amy said yes, and he let her know that he had things in the past, but they were made clean through Christ. So, she accepted and moved on. A year and a half into their marriage, Amy was struggling with her identity as wife and mother. Her focus moved in large part away from God and to her husband. He was suffering with severe depression, and she was struggling to figure out how to fix him and manage his emotions. (Which Amy realizes was impossible, of course.)

During this time, her husband was acting out and struggling again with addiction but hadn’t been able to talk about it. At one time, he was just curled up in a ball and unable to get out of bed for days. Amy prayed to know what to do, and her husband finally said he needed to tell her something but couldn’t. Through a tender mercy, the Spirit told her what the problem was but to wait for him to talk. Through prayer and patience, he finally told her that he struggled with pornography. Amy believes he thought this struggle would be over when they got married, that sex in marriage would “fix it.” But as for so many others, this was not the case. 

Following this, Amy’s husband said he was going back to 12 step meetings through his church and invited her to attend spousal support meetings as well. She eventually accepted the invitation, but it was hard and felt very disconnected for a while. They were living with family and couldn’t talk about their struggles and why they needed babysitting every week to attend meetings. It was a lonely time with extended family, but Amy and her husband both felt the need for support from others that were struggling with similar issues. 

Amy struggled at this time to understand God and what had happened. Based on her understanding of the checklist mindset, she believed that she had done “everything right.” She was doing all of the things that were supposed to bring happiness, so why had God betrayed her and allowed this horrible thing into their lives and marriage? One day, Amy found herself yelling and swearing at God. She felt abandoned and betrayed. She also felt guilty and expected to be reprimanded by God like other father figures she knew. After all, you shouldn’t be angry with God, right?

When Amy realized God was still there after her “fire storm,” the first words she heard were, “Thank you.” She was in disbelief and expressed the question to God about why simply “Thank you?”

God said, “I've known this whole time you've been mad at me, but you haven't been willing to acknowledge it for yourself and feel it for yourself. Now that you’re being honest with me and you're making that choice to come to me in this totally broken state and express that hurt, now I can hear you and we can move forward.”

This experience was powerful for Amy and began some deeper healing for her. She still had big ups and downs. The darkest moments were still to come. Occasionally she would be prompted to ask about her husband about other things she was concerned about.  One day he mentioned that he had stopped watching videos. This was devastating to Amy, as she didn’t realize he had been watching videos. 

Before the full disclosure, each new discovery led to more devastation.  Amy shares that she would find herself laying and crying on the floor again because she found out a new layer of betrayal and the depth of his acting out. In 2016, her husband finally gave a full disclosure about everything, including things he had continued to hide. Both Amy and her husband hurt deeply, but both felt like they wanted to stay in their marriage and keep trying. 

Amy says, “He wasn’t expecting me to stay. He asked why I would stay after everything. I looked at it like:

I know who my husband is without the addiction. I know the goodness that’s in his heart. I know what you’re really like, and, yes, this stinks. It really, really sucks right now. But I have fought hard enough for you that I’m willing to go forward if you’re willing to go forward.”

Amy says she felt she had fought too hard for him to give up now.  With boundaries in place and a commitment to honesty, Amy and her husband worked again to move forward. She also set boundaries for herself and her own behavior so she could heal from her trauma. Over time, trust began to rebuild and slowly they began to heal together. 

Amy shares that she has started to feel empowered and more peaceful since she has started working on her healing and also reaching out to help others. Through 12-Step Groups and counseling, she has found more healing. Amy says therapy has helped as she works through the betrayal trauma and her perceived need to hustle for her worthiness and her feeling that she needs validation through checklists and her actions. She fights to stay close to God and has felt the presence of her Heavenly Parents supporting her when attending events like Heart of a Woman Retreat. Amy shares that 

Jesus Christ wants to go with us into the dark places of our lives and our hearts to be with us, rescue us, and help us find our way back to the light.

Amy’s Recovery Resources:

Jesus Christ

Good music/Christian Music

Heart of a Woman Retreat

Good therapy

SAL 12-Step Spouse Groups

Amy’s Song:

“Come as You Are” by Crowder

Ep. 6- Marni's Story

Becky and Kristy sit down with Marni to hear her story.  Marni is a single mom to 4 children who is their biggest cheerleader and support.  She loves to read, be in the outdoors, exercise and self-care.  She likes to spend her time traveling with family and having lunch dates with her girlfriends.  

Marni shares that she grew up in a home that was healthy and normal.  Her parents’ marriage was one that was an example of what she wanted for her marriage when she grew up.  Marni talks about having a strong relationship with God growing up and that she had an understanding that she is a daughter of God.  When she was 15 years old, her mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 3 years later.  During that time, Marni shares it was a really hard time but she also saw lots of blessings- people serving her family and praying for them.  After her mom passed away, Marni says she had her first “yelling match” with God about the unfairness of the situation.  Through this, she came to understand thee atonement in her life and that Christ suffered for her so that He could understand what she was going through.  The Atonement didn’t only have to do with sinning.  These lessons really helped Marni later in her life as she has gone through other challenges.

The Atonement has to do with pain and loss, too.  

Marni believed that she was married to her best friend.  They were married for 21 years before she realized there were any major problems.  Marni’s husband traveled a lot for work and life was busy with 4 kids.  They were like 2 ships passing in the night.  Because of an injury that made her stop and look at her life, Marni had to sit and see it for what is was.  She confronted her husband about changing their marriage and they talked about adding date nights, maybe working on communication and connecting more.  Throughout their marriage, there had been small insignificant lies by her husband but after an insignificant lie she confronted him on, he texted her and told her he wanted a divorce. 

Marni shares that she felt hurt and didn’t understand why he felt the way he did.  She was shocked and didn’t know that it was that bad.  She felt like they had a really great family.  Marni felt like there must be something wrong with her that he couldn’t come and tell her the truth about small things.  Her husband didn’t want to go to couple’s marriage, but she found an individual therapist and worked with her for four months, every week.  She thought all of the marriage problems were her fault and, on her head, and her husband continued to let her take it all on her shoulders.

Then, Christmas morning early, Marni found her husband’s work phone in their bed.  She woke up and saw sexting and more from her husband to many other women he had been with.  Pictures and conversations.  She couldn’t believe it.  Marni shares that she thought her husband’s phone had been hacked.  She didn’t think he was capable of doing this, especially while she was setting up Christmas for their kids, he had just said prayers with her and just kissed her goodnight.   Marni shares that she thought they were doing better in their marriage and she became physically sick.  Her husband he woke up but then started texting the same woman again and then fell asleep.  It was confirmation that this was real.  That someone did not sneak in and steal his phone. 

This is when she knew it was real.

Marni talks about calling her therapist (on Christmas morning) who had suggested that her husband was a sex addict.  She didn’t understand all that that meant so she prayed for the strength to have Christmas morning with the children.  Later that day, Marni tried to give him a chance to come forward.  She told him she has to trust him and that she would like to start with a clean slate and her husband agreed but still did not come forward with the truth.  As Marni confronted him with the truth, he would not communicate.  He had nothing to say and stonewalled.  She shares that she told him he needed to move out and he started getting angry and yelling and lashing out.  When they said the children down together, her husband tried to blame Marni for what was going on to the kids so interrupted and he stopped him.  She shares that is was scary and confusing for their children, who had never seen their parents fight before.  Suddenly her husband was angry and mean. Marni says that the spirit of the home was in a fog.  And when her husband moved out, the feeling in the home was cleaner.  Pure.  She shares that there was a lot more clarity when he left.

The darkest time for Marni were when she saw her marriage and family falling apart and she thought it was all her fault.  She shares that at one point she was so low that as she was going on for a surgery, she didn’t want to wake up from it.  She wanted what was best for her children and she convinced that wasn’t her.  Looking back, Marni says that she recognized she wasn’t perfect, but she was able to see that the darkness in her marriage and family was coming because of what her husband was doing.  Again, when he saw Marni at her lowest points, he continued to encourage her to see that it was all her fault.  

It was soul destructive.

Marni shares that as she found out more and more, she started to recognize that even though her husband was telling her that he was still working on their marriage, he continued the relationships with other women.  She thought that they were working together on their marriage, but they weren’t.  He wasn’t working on it at all.  He just kept lying and lying.  And Marni shares that it kept hurting every time he lied to her.  She wondered WHY?  Why was he doing this?  She just wanted him to let her go.

It was devastating.  It flattened me out.

If you don’t want to be with me, just let me go.

During this time, Marni talks about feeling very numb and wondered where God had been this whole time.  What had been going on that He hadn’t saved her and her children from this pain.  Marni shares that she had always been very prayerful, especially for her children.  The Lord started to show her where He had been throughout her life.  She says that she could look back and see where God had protected her and the children.  Even if they couldn’t be fully protected from her husband’s agency.  She could see Him in her broken ankle that allowed her to slow down and see her life and marriage for what they really were.  Marni shares that this is what led her to talk to her husband, what led here to therapy, and then led her to letting people into her home to serve her and her children.  After her husband texted and telling her he wanted to divorce, The Lord helped Marni mentally prepare to live separately from her husband.  And this helped her prepare to accept the help from friends, where before she would not let help her before.

God knew she would need a safety net before she even knew she needed it.

Marni shares that there were little pieces of light in the middle of the dark.  There came so much clarity and understanding and moments of feeling like an answer to prayers, even though it was so hard.  Becky shared that “Clarity helps brings truth and light-- Truth brings so much light.  Even if it’s painful truth, it brings so much light.  Then you have the information to make decisions.”   Marni says she never believed that God would ever give her the answer to divorce her husband, but when He did, she followed His guidance.  She checked back with the Lord to make sure that is where He was guiding and would examine her intentions to makes sure she was in the right place. But He guided her to the right step for herself and her children. 

She knew that healing was possible for her husband and for the children and her, but she knew it just wasn’t going to be together.

Marni shares that the process of divorce, there was a whole flood of answers to prayers.  She says that if someone had mentioned divorced even a few weeks before, she couldn’t have even considered it.  But once she had that answer, she knew she would follow the Lord and act.   Once Marni was ready and willing to act, she says that little confirmations kept coming and coming throughout the whole process.  She says she couldn’t have figured all this out without with the Lord.  She shares that forgiveness is between her and God.  She knows He wants better for her and in forgiveness, her relationship with God is strengthened.

Marni says she is still working on trust.  She is working with her therapist to trust herself and a healthier way to trust others because she trusted other so much that she discounted her own insticnts.  She shares that knows her truth and that she felt spiritual experiences, even with her husband.  Because it was about HER truth with God, not her husband’s.

Seeking God’s truth is the most important thing.

I know that I can always trust God.

When I know I can’t trust anyone around me,

I know that I can trust that relationship.

Marni shares that she really has been restored through Christ.  She feels she is a work in process.  She has fallen to the ground and is being picked up and put back together.  She is rediscovering things about herself and has never had to be so dependent on God in her entire life.

The person that I am becoming out of this is a better version, through a Refiner’s Fire.  

I have been stuck in the fire, molded down, and now I am being shaped into something better.  

God, lead me where I need to go.  And to be brave enough.

Marni’s Recovery Resources:

Addiction Recovery Support Group for Spouses

Connection with other safe people

Learning what Betrayal Trauma is

Qualified therapist for Betrayal Trauma

Book- The Journey of Abandonment Healing by Susan Anderson

Book- The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu

Marni’s Song:

“Clean” by Taylor Swift