Ep. 8- Rhyll's Story
/Rhyll was born in Montana as the oldest of nine children. Her family did not have a surplus of money, but they were rich in love for God and for each other. Her religious upbringing as a young person wasn’t strict, but they were committed to their faith. Rhyll felt a connection to God through her family, (knowing her father was a good man of faith) and particularly, through music. She played the piano at church and music was instrumental in developing her growing faith.
By the time Rhyll and Steven married, Steven had already been exposed to pornography and masturbation in his younger years and had had sexual relationships with girls in his teen years. Rhyll knew nothing of his past, however, because Steven was instructed to not tell Rhyll of this and to begin fresh.
The first discovery of Steven’s addiction came 13 years into their marriage. They had 5 children by this time. This discovery happened because Steven confronted Rhyll and told her he had been visiting strip clubs and seeing prostitutes. Rhyll was completely blindsided. There had been no red flags. Steven had simply been living a double life-living one way in secret, while on the outside looking like a faithful family man. She went into a state that she now recognizes as shock. They looked to their church leaders for guidance and help. They were told that they were both good people and that they could get through this and to just begin again, with a commitment to fidelity, and to be good helpmeets to each other. During this time, Rhyll began to take on the responsibility of the addiction.
“I felt like I needed to ‘up my game’...to be more, and better…”
Ten years passed. They had moved during this time, and Steven had quit his successful job so that he could travel less. His job required him to travel internationally. Rhyll felt that everything was well, and that it was all behind them, but Steven again came to her with a devastating confession that he had gone back to his addiction, and that the reason they had moved and he had quit his job, was so that he could try to break free of his behaviors. She felt frustrated and so betrayed. Rhyll shares, “Justifiable anger is really important in our lives. Without it, there is no motivation to make changes in our lives.” She also was going through this almost completely alone, since nobody knew about it except her parents. “I will REALLY fix this!”, she decided, and began making phone calls all over the state and reading any books she could get her hands on. This was when she came to the conclusion that this was an addiction. On her insistence, they saw therapists, and there was church discipline action taken, but in spite of Rhyll’s best efforts at controlling the addiction, 8 years later came another disclosure from Steven. This happened on August 25, 2005. Steven had been arrested 10 days before and had managed to keep it hidden from Rhyll. He had become masterful at keeping secrets.
This was the moment that Rhyll figured their marriage was probably over. “There was a moment on my front lawn, where it was just me and God. And I raised my hands to heaven and said ‘Take it God. I can’t do it.’” After that moment with God, He showed her that there is freedom in surrender. God showed her how to find light in the midst of chaos.
“I learned to live one day at a time, and that God will show me what’s next.”
Steven found a good qualified therapist who at one session asked Rhyll “Can you stay with him if he’s in recovery?” Rhyll didn’t know the answer to that question. He had become so good at lying. It was at this critical time that Rhyll and Steven both began learning a lot about living a recovered lifestyle. “A recovery lifestyle is a healthy lifestyle”, Rhyll explains. Both of them had to learn how to work their own recovery independent of what the other person decided to do. They began discovering the tools of recovery. “You can either live in trauma, or use your tools”, shares Rhyll. For Rhyll those tools are 1) Quality education 2) Qualified therapy 3) Healthy Boundaries 4) Connection to God and others. Steven began working the 12 steps of recovery, and humbly sharing his story with people around him, including their 7 children who were mostly grown by this time. This step was particularly hard as it left several children very angry or brokenhearted. Step by step, Steven and Rhyll began to rebuild their marriage and repair the broken trust.
“When I speak somewhere, I often get asked ‘How do you know you can trust him?’ My answer to that is that my husband is working on his recovery one day at a time and is earning my trust one day at a time. And I am working on trusting him one day at a time”, Rhyll explains. She has learned that you can know when someone is working their recovery when they are honest, humble, and accountable. She has also learned that when anyone other than God is at your center, you’ve been knocked out of recovery. She shares that they check in with each other every night, which has become a great time to share difficult feelings, things they’re grateful for, just a wonderful way to connect at the end of the day. “We don’t tell each other what to do, but we do share our strength, hope, and experience”, she says.
“...I am working on trusting him one day at a time…”
Rhyll believes that Christ has been everything to her during this whole journey. She feels like her life has been directed into helping other women who are affected by betrayal trauma. “It’s painful, but rewarding”, she says. Trauma still sometimes hits her, but she has her own sponsor as well as being a sponsor to many other women. She no longer has the main goal of being free from betrayal trauma but has stepped into a higher goal of living a peaceful, serene existence in all circumstances through Christ as her center. When asked about her greatest resources, Rhyll shares that actively working a 12-step program that is trauma sensitive, spiritually centered, and gender specific. She says that boundaries are such an important principle, that if she ever were to write another book, it would be about boundaries! God has asked Rhyll to be grateful in all things. She has found that He has restored everything to her and has used her pain to help others. Even their children who were so angry or heartbroken have now become their dad’s biggest fans. As they witnessed their dad being so committed to recovery and faithfully attending his meetings, they’ve come to truly admire and love them both. Rhyll and Steven have sat down with every one of their grandchildren who have reached an age where they are old enough and have shared their story with each one of them. These have been amazing, wonderful experiences that have drawn the generations together in strength and unity. Hearing Rhyll’s story has been an honor, and a learning experience about the Grace of God, and the wisdom of surrender.
Rhyll’s Recovery Resources:
Keeping God at her center
Her Sponsor
salifeline.org
sal12step.org
Book: What Can I Do About Me? By Rhyll Croshaw
Rhyll’s Song:
“Blessings” by Laura Story
