Ep. 9- Anonymous Q&A #1

Team members Tiffany, Autumn, and Becky sit down to answer anonymous questions from listeners.  They share their individual insights into: “Where do I start in all of this?  How do I start finding healing and peace?”, “What is self-care and why do I need it?”, and end with an important discussion about the difference between forgiveness and trust.  They testify that the Lord is so generous in our individual paths back to Him.  We invite you to Rise Up Restored with us.

#1- Where do I start in all of this?  How do I start finding healing and peace?

Tiffany says to step back and take a breath.  Take a breath and then reach out.  She encourages us to follow our intuition about who to share with.  Keep it in your prayers.  Becky shares that she feels like Satan wants to keep us our separate because 

Satan knows “Keep everybody separate, don’t let anybody talk to each other, because then they will start healing.”

Becky shares that one of the first things she needed, and what we all need, is safety. Physical safety in some situations is the first thing to take care of.  If you and your children need physical safety, that is the most important place to start.  Tiffany shares that safety is the foundation to find healing and peace

I don’t think healing or peace can come until you’ve got some safety.

Emotional safety is important for healing and peace, and boundaries are the best ways to start finding safety.

Becky also shares the importance of taking care of our basic needs.  It is really important to get enough sleep, 7-8 hours is ideal.  She shares that she has a much clearer head when she has enough sleep.  “Are you drinking enough water?”  Take care of your basic needs.  

Autumn shares her four areas of recovery- 1- getting a support person. 2- counseling or therapy.  3- 12-step program.  4- ecclesiastical support.  She feels healing and recovery can come with just a few of these things but that it just takes a bit longer.  Tiffany shares that acceptance is really important in the beginning.  

As long as I was fighting the fact that I was in the situation I was in, I couldn’t start healing and I couldn’t find peace.

Finally, Autumn shares to be careful of your expectation of timing.  She says to give up your timetable because it is on the Lord’s time.  He is going to make it happen when it’s His time.  Becky shares that it is not always about working harder, researching more, and reading more books.  She shares that when she learned to surrender and put it in the Lords hands, that’s when things started coming together for her healing and peace.

#2- What is self-care and why do I need it?

Autumn talks about the importance of self-care and that most women struggle to take care of themselves because they are so focused on everyone else.  She shares that self-care in NOT selfish care.  Becky looked up the definition of self-care (because that is who she is): 

Self-care is the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.

That’s what makes this not selfish. We are protecting our well-being, especially in times of stress.  And what bigger times of stress than betrayal trauma.  Becky shares that self-care is one of best things we can do for ourselves and our loved ones.  Tiffany shares that self-care wasn’t something she knew about for a long time.  She shares that it was scary to let go and take care of herself but when she did, she found a lot of peace and hope.  Autumn shares that self-care for her is physically, emotionally, and spiritually and she uses self-care to take care of herself and to feel better and then she can support the people around her.  She shares the analogy of the oxygen mask on an airplane is like self-care: we are told we need to put our masks on first before we help the people around us.

Self-care is ongoing and changes and it is about exploring who we are.  Self-care looks different for everyone.  Autumn shares that her self-care includes hiking (slow and steady), being in nature and God’s beauty, and photography, especially while she is in nature.  Tiffany shares that her self-care includes massages (and that still battles to share this for fear that she would seem wasteful).  She says that massages help her feel happy.  She also loves nature and takes at least a short walk every day.  Tiffany also shares that supplements and essential oils have been huge for her as she is paying attention and taking care of herself.  Becky shares that for self-care a few years ago she started playing the ukulele, because she had always wanted to.  She joined a ukulele group and played with them for about a year.  She shares 

It fed my soul

And that is what self-care is about.  Feeding our souls.  Becky shares that it may sound silly or frivolous, but it’s those things that allowed her to open that little box she had always wanted to.  Becky shares she doesn’t play here ukulele as much as she used to and this was a good reminder that she would like to pull it and play again.

With self-care, just try.  Actively protect your health.  That is what makes it not selfish.  Just start taking care of yourself and you will figure it out.  In the beginning, be intentional.  “Today I am going to take an hour.”  “Today I am going to take a bath.”  Try and find adDaily act of self-care.

The key is to start!

#3- What is the different between forgiveness and trust?

Becky shares that these two things are very different.  She shares that she was raised to just clean up, forgive, and move on.  But with her husband it was really hard.  She wanted to forgive but she was still being hurt by his decisions and actions.  Becky shares that she found a lot of help when she learned more about what forgiveness really is.  She shares that she learned that

Forgiving someone for what they do, releases me from being tied to that any longer.

Tiffany shares that it was hard to have a safe space with people who didn’t know the difference between forgiveness and trust.  She shares that the forgiveness was something that set her free and the trust was something that needed to be rebuilt and can take longer.  Becky shared a thought from the movie “The Shack” and the journey of the main character to find forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting, Mack. It is about letting go of another person's throat. Forgiveness does not establish relationship. It is to release you from something that will eat you alive, that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly.”

Autumn shares that she feels like trust comes when safety is created and that can take place once safety is created.  She shares that turning things over to the Savior can help.  She shares that for her, a lot of safety had to take place with her husband before the trust could be there.  Autumn shares that she didn’t just have a husband to forgive, she had others to forgive, too.  

I didn’t think I could ever kneel down and pray for someone who ruined my family.

Autumns shares that she trusted God and He created a safe space for her.  She prayed for those people a lot.  She shares that she let Him take them from her it is amazing the forgiveness that has taken place because of trusting the Lord.  Autumn shares that is has taken time and we all have the right to feel hurt.  Autumn shares that it is like a grief process, with anger and sadness, too.  She shares that for her, trust and forgiveness were a little further down the road.

Tiffany shares that she feels forgiveness and trust can come in 3 areas:  for yourself and the mistakes you make, for the loved one, and forgiveness and trust with God.  Yep, sometimes we need to work on forgiveness and trust through with God.

Becky shares that she has had hard experiences with ecclesiastical leaders being told that she needed to “just forgive and move on” and asked why she couldn’t just trust her husband after a few weeks.

Forgiveness in no way every requires trust in someone.

If someone is untrustworthy, there is no obligation to trust them.

Becky shares that she feels forgiveness is a very personal journey.  And that trust is something that takes a long time to earn and can be lost very quickly.  “It’s ok not to trust someone for a while.”  She shares that not trusting doesn’t mean you are being mean or angry or vindictive or unloving.  It doesn’t even mean you haven’t forgiven.  It just means that trust is something that needs to be earned and sometimes it just takes time.  Becky shares that it’s important for loved ones to be patient with ourselves as we are learning to trust again. She believes it is ok not to trust someone and having a hard time forgiving doesn’t mean you don’t have faith and that you don’t trust the Lord.  It is just where you are at.  Just take your time and be gentle with yourself as you are walking this path.

Forgiveness is something we are commanded to do.  But NOT instantly.

Autumn shares that God meets us where we are and whatever we can offer the Lord is enough.  She shares that learning to forgive and trust is something we would like to do and to keep moving along that path.  God will meet you where you are at.

Tiffany shares that she is still learning that piece of wanting to trust, even though it has been 17 years since she learned of her ex-husband’s addiction.  And that’s ok.  She knows it doesn’t mean she hasn’t found healing or is holding onto resentment.  Tiffany shares she is still working on it.

The Lord is so generous in the individual person paths back to Him.  He meets us where we are.  Whatever that looks like.

Thank you again for joining us and sharing your questions with us.  If you know someone who could benefit from this podcast, please share this episode with them.

Recovery Resources Shared Today:

Book- “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Book (and movie)- “The Shack” by William Paul Young

Becky’s Song:

“The God Who Stays” by Matthew West

Ep. 8- Rhyll's Story

Rhyll was born in Montana as the oldest of nine children.  Her family did not have a surplus of money, but they were rich in love for God and for each other.  Her religious upbringing as a young person wasn’t strict, but they were committed to their faith.  Rhyll felt a connection to God through her family, (knowing her father was a good man of faith) and particularly, through music.  She played the piano at church and music was instrumental in developing her growing faith.  

By the time Rhyll and Steven married, Steven had already been exposed to pornography and masturbation in his younger years and had had sexual relationships with girls in his teen years.  Rhyll knew nothing of his past, however, because Steven was instructed to not tell Rhyll of this and to begin fresh.  

The first discovery of Steven’s addiction came 13 years into their marriage.  They had 5 children by this time.  This discovery happened because Steven confronted Rhyll and told her he had been visiting strip clubs and seeing prostitutes.  Rhyll was completely blindsided.  There had been no red flags.  Steven had simply been living a double life-living one way in secret, while on the outside looking like a faithful family man.  She went into a state that she now recognizes as shock.  They looked to their church leaders for guidance and help.  They were told that they were both good people and that they could get through this and to just begin again, with a commitment to fidelity, and to be good helpmeets to each other.  During this time, Rhyll began to take on the responsibility of the addiction.  

“I felt like I needed to ‘up my game’...to be more, and better…”

Ten years passed.  They had moved during this time, and Steven had quit his successful job so that he could travel less.  His job required him to travel internationally.  Rhyll felt that everything was well, and that it was all behind them, but Steven again came to her with a devastating confession that he had gone back to his addiction, and that the reason they had moved and he had quit his job, was so that he could try to break free of his behaviors.  She felt frustrated and so betrayed.  Rhyll shares, “Justifiable anger is really important in our lives.  Without it, there is no motivation to make changes in our lives.”  She also was going through this almost completely alone, since nobody knew about it except her parents.  “I will REALLY fix this!”, she decided, and began making phone calls all over the state and reading any books she could get her hands on.  This was when she came to the conclusion that this was an addiction.  On her insistence, they saw therapists, and there was church discipline action taken, but in spite of Rhyll’s best efforts at controlling the addiction, 8 years later came another disclosure from Steven.  This happened on August 25, 2005.  Steven had been arrested 10 days before and had managed to keep it hidden from Rhyll.  He had become masterful at keeping secrets.  

This was the moment that Rhyll figured their marriage was probably over.  “There was a moment on my front lawn, where it was just me and God.  And I raised my hands to heaven and said ‘Take it God.  I can’t do it.’”  After that moment with God, He showed her that there is freedom in surrender.  God showed her how to find light in the midst of chaos.  

“I learned to live one day at a time, and that God will show me what’s next.”

Steven found a good qualified therapist who at one session asked Rhyll “Can you stay with him if he’s in recovery?”  Rhyll didn’t know the answer to that question.  He had become so good at lying.  It was at this critical time that Rhyll and Steven both began learning a lot about living a recovered lifestyle.  “A recovery lifestyle is a healthy lifestyle”, Rhyll explains.  Both of them had to learn how to work their own recovery independent of what the other person decided to do.  They began discovering the tools of recovery.  “You can either live in trauma, or use your tools”, shares Rhyll.  For Rhyll those tools are 1) Quality education 2) Qualified therapy 3) Healthy Boundaries 4) Connection to God and others. Steven began working the 12 steps of recovery, and humbly sharing his story with people around him, including their 7 children who were mostly grown by this time.  This step was particularly hard as it left several children very angry or brokenhearted.  Step by step, Steven and Rhyll began to rebuild their marriage and repair the broken trust.  

“When I speak somewhere, I often get asked ‘How do you know you can trust him?’ My answer to that is that my husband is working on his recovery one day at a time and is earning my trust one day at a time.  And I am working on trusting him one day at a time”, Rhyll explains.  She has learned that you can know when someone is working their recovery when they are honest, humble, and accountable. She has also learned that when anyone other than God is at your center, you’ve been knocked out of recovery.  She shares that they check in with each other every night, which has become a great time to share difficult feelings, things they’re grateful for, just a wonderful way to connect at the end of the day.  “We don’t tell each other what to do, but we do share our strength, hope, and experience”, she says.  

                “...I am working on trusting him one day at a time…”

Rhyll believes that Christ has been everything to her during this whole journey.  She feels like her life has been directed into helping other women who are affected by betrayal trauma.  “It’s painful, but rewarding”, she says.  Trauma still sometimes hits her, but she has her own sponsor as well as being a sponsor to many other women.  She no longer has the main goal of being free from betrayal trauma but has stepped into a higher goal of living a peaceful, serene existence in all circumstances through Christ as her center.  When asked about her greatest resources, Rhyll shares that actively working a 12-step program that is trauma sensitive, spiritually centered, and gender specific.  She says that boundaries are such an important principle, that if she ever were to write another book, it would be about boundaries!  God has asked Rhyll to be grateful in all things.  She has found that He has restored everything to her and has used her pain to help others.  Even their children who were so angry or heartbroken have now become their dad’s biggest fans.  As they witnessed their dad being so committed to recovery and faithfully attending his meetings, they’ve come to truly admire and love them both.  Rhyll and Steven have sat down with every one of their grandchildren who have reached an age where they are old enough and have shared their story with each one of them.  These have been amazing, wonderful experiences that have drawn the generations together in strength and unity.  Hearing Rhyll’s story has been an honor, and a learning experience about the Grace of God, and the wisdom of surrender.  

Rhyll’s Recovery Resources:

Keeping God at her center

Her Sponsor

salifeline.org

sal12step.org

Book: What Can I Do About Me? By Rhyll Croshaw

Rhyll’s Song:

“Blessings” by Laura Story