Ep. 10- Roxanne's Story
/Becky and Tiffany sit down with Roxanne to share her story. Roxanne was born in Pleasanton, California. She grew up in a devout Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint home. She says her testimony was always there, but she learned in high school that she needed to work on it to help it grow.
She attended Ricks College in Rexburg, Idaho. In her third year there, she met her husband. When they were first married, she felt they had the best relationship. “I thought we were it. We didn’t struggle that first year like other people did.” She never considered he might have a problem with pornography.
Six months into the marriage, she discovered that her husband was using porn. It was devastating. Something happened inside of her at that moment, and she never could trust him again. They spoke with their bishop, who gave them church answers (scriptures, prayer, Family Home Evening, doing good things, etc.). Roxanne eventually found that although these things are helpful and important, unless a person really wants to stop, they’re not the answer for addressing pornography.
I was angry, stressed, and cried a lot.
Over the years, she continued to find pornography in the home. Yet, her husband was not forthcoming about what he was doing. She had great fear about what was happening inside her home, and often felt confused. She doubted herself a lot. But little by little, she gave these trials to the Lord through much prayer. Over time, it became easier to trust her intuition.
Having God on your side is a powerful foundation.
In February 2012, with a newfound sense of peace and calm, Roxanne told her husband she was no longer going to accept his excuses. She knew that he was, yet again, using porn and lying about it. This time, when they went to the bishop, he told them that her husband needed to do the 12-step program for four years because it takes three to five years to heal from addiction.
For a year and a half, they faithfully attended their weekly 12-step meetings--his were for addicts, hers were for betrayed wives. She felt they thrived in those meetings.
However, in 2013, things between them seemed to be getting worse. He again denied using porn.
That’s when God told me, “He’s not being honest with you.”
Roxanne received this clear answer because she was building her relationship with Christ. She was praying all the time--constantly. She asked God, “What am I supposed to do today?” Learning to turn her life over to whatever it was, she was understanding how to be strong.
Finding his lost office key was the catalyst to her understanding just how bad things had gotten for her husband. She saw from his internet history on his work computer that he was sinking deeper into frightening levels of pornography. Deciding she would no longer do this by herself, she spoke for the first time with both his family and her family about his addiction. She also confronted him, and after attempting to manipulate and deceive, he broke down. It was a typical response for him: “He says he’s not. I find out anyway. He can no longer deny it, he cries, and then he says he’ll do better.”
They did another year of 12-step, and this time, they added counseling to help them. But soon, things were at an all-time low, with his mistreatment of her a clear red-flag that he’d relapsed.
She called in a prayer intervention to both families.
When confronted with his lies, he backpedaled, saying he wanted a divorce. But Roxanne allowed her faith to guide her every step, feeling she should wait and not engage or speak with him at that time. She even received a text from her brother:
Don’t worry. Angels are on their way.
Her husband chose to fight his addiction once again, this time entering a ninety-day, in-patient treatment program for sex addicts. Afterwards, Roxanne gave him one more year to work his recovery. They even moved so he could focus on this one thing: healing.
In one particularly difficult moment, and in agony over her husband’s continued choice to be dishonest, she saw his neckties. She felt angry that they hung there, organized and faking perfection--like her husband was doing. She cut them up with scissors, and then crumpled to the floor in despair.
Heavenly Father gets that we don’t always see the whole picture, and He’s okay with us being angry.
She had many moments when she allowed herself to process through the anger. She would go on drives to yell it out with God. It was only after the driving and yelling that she could hear Him.
We can’t bring anything in if we’re already full; it’s all got to come out, and then we can receive.
Nearly a year later, Roxanne knew in her heart that it was time to divorce. Sobriety and recovery are two very different things, and her husband might have been choosing the former, but not the latter. That’s when the spirit whispered, “you’re done.”
There have been twists and turns since the divorce, all of them acting as a bridge to her understanding and growth. She wrote a book about her experiences, and last year, she remarried. Roxanne and her husband are “choosing in,” meaning that they are willing to do the work it takes to build a healthy, happy life.
When asked about how Christ has restored her, Roxanne is quick to explain:
Even though I have these wounds, Christ has made up the difference. Like Job, I’ve been given more than what was taken.
Rooxanne’s Recovery Resources:
12- Step Group
Prayers (including driving and yelling it out with God)
Free Women’s Group from WORTH
Book: Cutting Ties by Roxanne Kennedy Granata
Roxanne’s Podcast: Choose In
Roxanne’s Song:
“Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Daniel Gokey
