Ep. 12- Katy's Story

Becky and Tiffany sit down with Katy as she shares her journey of healing.  Katy grew up in Southeast Idaho and now lives in northern Utah.  She and her husband, Mark, have been married 15 ½ yrs. and have 4 kids.  She spends most of time as homeschool mama.  Katy also teaches yoga and works to support brain wellness in healing.  She calls herself a bookworm and loves to learn.  She shares that she loves finding truth in many places.  Katy’s especially loves spending time with kids hiking, jumping on the trampoline, and playing board games.

Talking about her relationship with God growing up, Katy is grateful for parents who gave her the best spiritual foundation they knew how.  Her home was full of very regular faith-based practices.  Even after her parent’s divorced, they attended church each Sunday and had early morning scripture study.  Katy shares that organized religion was a steady place in her life.  She shares that she experienced the peaceful calm through carving out that time with God.  She did feel her relationship with God was one-sided and didn’t know how to receive personal revelation at that time but did have some answers to prayer.

Katy shares that the first “D-day” (discovery day) came during her engagement to Mark when they were sharing and discussing their journals.  She was prompted to ask more questions.  She says that Mark was honest and shared that he had been looking at pornography since he was 10 yrs old.  Katy shares she felt her stomach drop and turn inside out and that she didn’t sleep well that night.  As the dawn broke, she felt peace come and she knew the Lord had told her Mark was still a good choice for her.  She shares that the only thing that had changed was that she knew more about his past.  The next day, Katy came asked what questions she could, and Mark was open and answered the best he could.  She shares that neither of them knew the difference between sobriety and recovery and they didn’t seek out support or help.  

They continued forward and got married as they both thought, “Cool.  Addiction is in the past”.

Early in marriage, life was quiet and they were blessed with Mark having a good job and he maintained his sobriety.  They had 3 children in 3 years, with 2 extra-difficult pregnancies.  During that time, Katy was on bedrest and she shares that Mark was working all day and came home to take care of her, the children, and the house so that she could rest and take care of herself.  She shares that  

Mark gave so much for these children to be brought into the world.

Suddenly Mark lost his job and with all of the pressure and anxiety and stress of everything, he turned to what he had learned to cope with it.  Within a few months, his health started to suffer.  Doctors couldn’t find anything wrong but Katy shares that she knew something was wrong.  Eventually, this turned into struggles with his mental health, intense anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.  Katy shares that she kept dragging him to medical appointments, but he was not actively trying to get help for himself.  She says she was trying to do it all for him.  She shares that because she did not understand the power of Jesus Christ, she was trying to be that savior for him.  And it was not until they almost lost everything that she realized 

Oh!  I can’t fix this!  I don’t have that power.

Katy and Becky discuss how important attachment is in relationships and how we are all taught to fight for our marriages and relationships.  Because we love our spouses, we try to do all that we can to protect that attachment.  Becky encourages us to look back gently on our younger selves and say, “We were doing the best we know how”.  

Katy shares that she found out she was pregnant and was shocked.  She says she wasn’t ready to bring a baby into the situation.  At their first appointment, there was no heartbeat found and a D&C was scheduled.  Katy shares that she felt both relief and sadness.  That night Mark pressured her into letting him give her a blessing even though she was not comfortable with it.  In this blessing, he emotionally “beat her up” and called her to “repent and do better”.  Then he promised her that IF she had enough faith, “the baby would be just fine”.  Katy shares that she didn’t sleep that night, repented for not being a good wife, and prayed because she didn’t want to be the reason that there wasn’t a miracle (even though it was found out after the procedure that the pregnancy was a molar pregnancy and was never a baby).  Katy shares that this caused so much pain and wounding because of her deep connection and desire to follow God, she believed the blessing was God talking to her, when in fact, her husband was not in a place to be giving that blessing.  She shares that she has since had to untangle all of this with her relationship with God.

            The day of the procedure, Katy shares that the nurses and doctor were so kind and helped her but also clear that this baby was no longer there and there was nothing more to do.  They helped to make sure she took care of herself.  As the procedure was ready to begin, Mark began aggressively insisting he needed to leave and to wait for him to return.  Then he left.  Katy shares that in that moment she realized

Oh my gosh!  Maybe we’re not really ok.

The nurses looked at me with shock and almost pity.

Katy says that their reaction showed her that maybe things weren’t ok or normal.  After waiting and waiting, Mark did not come back.  Katy told the staff to just continue so they could move on with their work.  She shares that  

The nurse held my hand during the procedure, and then they dimmed the lights and let me sleep because I had no ride home. - She was all alone.

Katy shares that Mark finally came back and took her home and she slept the rest of the night.  As soon as she woke up, Mark was in her face and angry and she pled with him to reach out to his psychiatrist.  He left and brought her mother back.  At that moment, Katy shares she was not ready to share with someone in her life, so she felt some relief, but it was very hard because it wasn’t her choice to share.

A few days later, Mark wanted to go away for a work conference, but Katy begged him not to go but he went anyway.  She found out later that Mark was using this time away for work as a cover-up to go and find anyone he could to have sex with.  Even though he didn’t achieve that goal that weekend, he spent the whole weekend “prowling”.  Katy shares that 

She did not recognize that man at all.

She says they stayed in that dark place for about 6 months.  Multiple times a week he would call and say he couldn’t come home because he was too anxious.  Katy shares that, even though she didn’t know it, she started the beginnings of boundaries with her husband.  When he would call and say he wasn’t coming home, she developed a mental script to say: “I want you to come home. I think you should come home tonight.  And you need to decide for yourself”.   Mark was spending more and more nights at his parent’s and family’s homes.  One night, Katy begged him to stay home and he turned the table and began telling her she was controlling and saying, “You are not my boss”.  Katy shares 

She crumbled to the floor and sobbed.

Becky paused and asked Katy what she thought her husband was doing all this time and she shares that she believed him when he said he was going to his parent’s house.  She shares that she feels naïve, but Becky reminds us all that 

There is nothing wrong with being trusting.  It is his fault for deceiving you.

You were doing the best you could with the knowledge that you had.

Katy shares that she remembers a conversation early in their marriage when she asked Mark how she would know if he was doing these things again.  He told her “Katy, you will know.  There will be such a distinct shift in who I am.  There is no way you could miss it”.  She knew, even if it was on an unconscious level and she says that after a lot of gaslighting by her husband and learning not to trust herself, she didn’t listen to her instincts about what was going on anymore.  The next day Mark called and said he wanted to tell her where he went the night before.  

He went to a strip club.  

Katy shares that she couldn’t breathe, and her stomach dropped.  She dropped to the couch, with 3 small children playing in front of her.  She shares that the moment just froze, and the world was going on around her, but she wasn’t.   She says she doesn’t remember the rest of the conversation.  

But she remembers her first reaction was RELIEF!

ALL of the things that were happening suddenly made sense.  The relief was a split second and then there was a massive jumbled up ball of anger, fear, and pain and overwhelm.  Katy shares that because of her previous experiences, within a few days, she shoved all those feelings away.  It was a protection because she would not have been able to handle it all right then.  Tiffany shares that it is good to look and see what places inside ourselves that need protecting right now and are not quite ready to thaw.  Having self-compassion and relying on the Lord’s timing is important.

Katy shares that the emotional abuse continued from Mark and that he even began she was emotionally abusive, with others around him backing him.  One day at church, the thought came to Katy, “Oh!  Maybe I can’t fix this”.  As she journaled, she wrote: I can’t do this, and I think God can. And I think Jesus Christ has something to do with it.  Katy learned came to the conclusion that “I can’t, He can, and I will let Him’.

Jesus Christ doesn’t just have something to do with it.  He has EVERYTHING to do with it.

It was still months before Mark hit his rock bottom.  And there were darker times, but she walked with the illumination she had inside through it.  Katy shares that the darkness was not sucking the light out of her like it had been before.  She says that recognizing the Lord is the ultimate source of Light that would not be darkened made all the difference.

Mark left a second time and told Katy to “Get a lawyer.  I am done”.  She shares they had been to 4 different marriage therapists; he wouldn’t get sober, he was refusing to take him medication, he wouldn’t stay, and she was left with 3 small children.  She says that marriage is made up of two parties and if both parties are not willing to walk that road of healing, there will be an impasse.  At the same time, Katy never felt like she was being led to divorce.  She shares it didn’t feel like it was the right thing, but she didn’t know what else to do.  With an appointment with a divorce attorney on Monday, Katy met with her bishop about divorce on Sunday.  Katy shares that this experience was hard and not the answer for everyone, but it was the answer she sees that she needed.  The bishop felt strongly like he could not give her his blessing for divorce.  He didn’t know what to do, but he counseled her to go home and “figure it out”.  Katy says that is not the right thing for everyone, but it was the right thing for her and her situation.  As soon as the bishop said that, she felt complete peace.  She knew it was the right answer for her, because divorce never felt right.

Katy sharers she felt prompted to call Mark even though he had said not to contact him at all.  Mark told her later that second separation was rock bottom and he thought it was too late to save his marriage.  And then Katy texted him to talk.  They talked all night and it was the first time in a long time to have a full conversation.  By the end of the conversation they knew they were both willing to fight for this marriage.  To do whatever it took to salvage it.  It wasn’t all better.  But it was a start.  Katy shares that they began searching for resources and found the 12-step program through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, LifeStar therapy program, and a therapist that finally understood them.

These resources were last resorts for us.

Now we can share these resources as FIRST resorts with others.

Katy shares that finding experts and specialists in sex addiction and betrayal trauma made all the difference for them.

Let’s spare the secondary trauma and find good resources.

Katy shares that yoga has been a really important in her healing journey.  She started moving nightly to a yoga dvd.  She didn’t know much about yoga or why it helped but she did know that every night she felt better and better after she finished yoga.   Today, Katy has had a daily yoga practice for 8 years.  Katy shares the importance of body movement in healing the trauma that gets trapped in the body.  Katy shares her love and passion for yoga with others, for adults and children, addicts and spouses and their children.  She also brings her Christian faith into the work as well.  

Katy testifies that Jesus Christ has the power, as we allow Him, to take all these ugly things, betrayal trauma and other life experiences, and get us back on our feet.  But allow those experiences to shape us into a breathtakingly more beautiful person because of what we have been through.

There is grace available for betrayal trauma because Jesus Christ descended below molar pregnancies, horrible phone calls, suicide, mental health, and more.  He covered all of that.  And then he ascended above everything, so he will take us with him and bring us back to God.

Betrayal trauma absolutely has been the miracle that has rescued me.

Kat'y’s Recovery Resources:

Jesus Christ (His grace has become my constant power source)

Yoga

12-Step Groups including Healing Through Christ, ARP, SALifeline

EMDR

QNRT

Neurofeedback

LifeStar Program

Self-care specific to her unique body, mind and spirit

Katy’s Song:

The Miracle by Shauna Belt Edwards (sung by Katy)

Ep. 11- Jeni's Story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Jeni to share her story. Jeni grew up in Weatherford, Texas and is the oldest of ten children. She has six children and has been married for twenty years. She does voiceover work, and especially enjoys children’s book narration. 

Growing up, Jeni’s family was wonderful, but they didn’t really understand how to regulate their emotions. She realizes this is a common thing for that generation, but desires to be a “chain breaker.” She wants a better way for herself and her family, recently telling her son: “We’re changing this. It’s okay to show your emotions.”

Jeni’s journey with betrayal started soon after the wedding. Nine months after marrying her husband, Jeni found open emails that indicated he’d been involved in things that weren’t appropriate. She told him, “I love you. I forgive you. Go talk to the bishop and don’t ever do it again.”

I was expecting a quick fix.

But things were not at all resolved at that time. From then until seventeen and a half years into the marriage, things were hell. She continued to find pornography. She explains how she often didn’t even exactly know what the problem in her marriage was, just that she felt isolated and alone. Whenever she found something, she and her husband would go to the bishop. Their bishops were very good men, but they didn’t have knowledge or training on what to do.

Each time, their bishops’ inadequate and uninformed responses to her husband’s acting out, financial abuse, and anger issues led Jeni to spiral into despair and panic.

Jeni explains that even though things were incredibly difficult, she found solace in turning to the Lord. Finally, during one especially heartfelt prayer, she told Heavenly Father that she would do anything, whatever it took, to heal her marriage. Handing her will over to God allowed her to feel a distinct prompting.

The Lord said, “Help is now on its way. I will heal you in community.”

With a newfound feeling of hope, her relationship with God expanded. She spent hours on her knees during this time, and the Lord comforted her. “He helped me be patient. He told me we didn’t need to reinvent the wheel, as far as therapy went.”

Jeni and her husband became involved in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint’s Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) and a therapy program called Lifestar.

We had both Lifestar and ARP to help us with both the therapy side and the spiritual side.

It wasn’t until many years of this, and after her husband had given her a full disclosure, that she realized, “This is addiction.”

Even though the couple began addiction recovery in 2017, Jeni shares how there were many moments during this time where she felt this would just be her lot in life, and that nothing would change. She believed in her marriage covenant, so she felt trapped. 

But I realized that God doesn’t want us to be treated poorly. God himself uses boundaries.

It was boundaries that made the biggest shift in her life. Jeni says, “Boundaries can be such a foreign concept, but they let you know where one person ends and where the other begins. Without boundaries, you end up feeling like a doormat.” 

At one point, she felt extremely low. She was in public, so she said a prayer in her heart. Immediately, she began to think of things about herself that she had lost. She was reminded by God that those things were important to her and therefore, they were important to God. He loved her exactly the way she was.

It was then that she started to feel of her own worth. She started to feel that she was worth setting boundaries for. 

Jeni has been on this healing journey for herself for two-and-a-half years—which she feels is not long considering her husband has had a thirty-year addiction. She felt so alone for so long, and unfortunately, hasn’t found a lot of the kind of support she’s needed from family. 

A lot of times, you get support up front, but then it fades. They’re nervous about hurting you, so they don’t talk about it.

With betrayal trauma, it’s that sense of loneliness that is especially painful. A lot of Jeni’s trauma stems from feeling isolated. “I wasn’t isolated from God, but I was isolated from people.”

Earthly angels have provided the support she’s so desperately needed. She’s met many people in her journey that have helped her feel loved and validated. 

She’s also realized that although service is powerful and can be part of the healing process, it’s like the oxygen masks on the airplane: we have to put our own masks on first. We have to take care of ourselves first to then be able to serve others. She knows it’s also important to take the time to rest. She loves Psalm 46:10: 

Be still, and know that I am God.

Jeni reminds us that if we go too crazy and get too busy, we can’t be still. If we’re not still, we can’t hear the Lord very well. She’s found the greatest joy through worshipping her God during the hard times.

When asked how she found restoration through Christ, Jeni replies, “I’m still on that journey. But recently I prayed and asked God: ‘Am I always going to feel this trauma? Am I always going to be hijacked?’ Instantly, I felt the answer, ‘no.’

He’s done all these big miracles, so He can also heal me.

Jeni’s Recovery Resources:

Boundaries

Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) for Loved Ones- the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

LifeStar Program

Book: Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner

Book: Intimate Deception by Dr. Sheri Keffer

Trauma Inventory for Partners of Sex Addicts (TIPSA.Vs) Survey

Jeni’s Podcast: Betrayal Trauma SOS

Jeni’s Song: 

“So Will I” by Hillsong UNITED