Ep. 16- Anonymous Q&A #2- Reasons vs Excuses, How to "Be There" for Loved One, & Favorite "Out-of-the-box" Resources
/Becky, Autumn, and Tiffany sit down together to answer anonymous questions submitted by listeners about betrayal trauma.
Question #1: “How do you make peace with your husband saying things like, ‘I went to porn because I had abandonment issues,’ knowing that we all have abandonment issues, too, as a result of the addiction?”
Becky shares how no matter what our behavior is, there’s a reason for it. However, if we use the reason as an excuse for the behavior, that’s a problem. There’s a reason we act the way we do, and sometimes it has to do with our childhood or our choices. But, we are still in charge of, and responsible for, our choices.
Tiffany explains that:
Making excuses is an unhealthy way to deal with what we’re dealing with.
We don’t get to excuse mistreating people because of trauma or past experiences that we’ve had.
Along these same lines, Becky describes how a lot of what happens to us is not our fault. But at some point, we all realize that we are responsible for our choices and our actions moving forward. If we use our history and our trauma as an excuse for bad behavior, that’s a sign that we’re not in good recovery.
Tiffany warns that statements like in the question above are red flags. She says, “The addict wants me to excuse the porn because they have an abandonment issue. But it’s a red flag when we feel confused and conflicted and wounded.” Then, how do we protect ourselves?
We get to pick a boundary.
We can say, “This is not my issue, this is not something I have to address with you. This does not give you permission to mistreat me.”
However, Autumn makes an important distinction when she describes how, in the beginning of recovery, often addicts are trying to figure out where this stemmed from. “That’s different from trying to make your spouse feel shame for what you did,” she says. So, sometimes the addict is not trying to make an excuse for it, they’re trying to share their story and explain things.
Autumn shares how, instead of continuing on in a discussion like this that’s harmful, we can set a boundary. We can say: “We take responsibility for our own actions, so I’d like to remind you that when we committed to working on this, you committed to take responsibility for your own actions, and that’s not taking responsibility for your own actions. So, my boundary is I’m not going to have a conversation at this time.”
Becky shares that as we’re working on our healing and working to change, we’re identifying these things that have a strong influence on who we are today. We’re going to work on this and we’re individually going to take responsibility for our own actions.
It’s powerful to share our histories with one another, but it has to be done in a really healthy way.
Autumn explains that in the beginning of the healing journey, the addict and the spouse often engage in a drama triangle, with persecutor, victim, and rescuer. A lot of times we hop around these three things. The victim says, “I’m going to be the victim, so because this happened in my life, I get to act out.” The persecutor says, “No you don’t, I had this experience, so I get to be mad at you, how dare you!” Then the rescuer comes in saying, “It is fine, that is no problem, you can continue in your behavior.”
But Becky provides hope because when she describes how when you recognize where you are, whether you’re being the victim, persecutor, or rescuer, you can step away from those roles.
I have been wounded and there’s something I can do about it. I can have boundaries, I can have self-care.
Autumn shares how validation in those areas can help us move on from those roles. “You’re getting healthy when you can look at why you’re doing things and then stepping outside of it.”
Sometimes things happen to us, Becky says, and we are victims of hard and painful things. But it’s our job to make the choice to find healing, to fight for our healing, to fight for our safety. Tiffany and Becky remind us to try not to get discouraged.
Healing is not linear. It’s messy. Be gentle with yourself. Apologize. And try again. Healing is the goal.
Question #2: “How are you able to be there for him for his hurt? I just can’t, and he isn’t in full recovery, and hasn’t fully owned it, and can’t see or understand my hurt.”
Autumn shares how validation is a huge piece of this. After her husband would come to her to disclose a slip, she would say, “Thank you for sharing that with me. Here is my boundary, we can’t do ‘XYZ’ for this amount of time.”
Our spouses do have to disclose and own their actions. And oftentimes, it’s hard to respond in a positive way. Tiffany reminds us that when we can’t, we can’t. In her marriage, “There had to be the disclosure, there had to be the boundary, but I could not hold his pain. I discovered that was not my job. I could not be the support person. I could give that away to someone else.” Autumn shares that:
We aren’t our spouse’s support person.
Becky points out that our natural instinct is to want to support and help each other. But learning to surrender that support role is so hard. Eventually, we recognize that they have to choose, and we can’t carry this burden for them.
Tiffany shares that you can say, “I see that you’re hurting, I hope you get help with that.” We can feel goodwill towards our spouse, while also giving their recovery back to them.
“I see you’re hurt. Here you go. I believe in you.”
Becky explains that she wished her husband well, and sometimes there is anger and things I do need to say. We are capable of handling it in a kind way, but, “For a long time, I couldn’t. I had a phrase that I would say in the nicest way possible, and he learned that this was the best I could do right then. Because there wasn’t a lot of sunshine and roses for a long time.”
Autumn says that getting to a space where you can get help is important. Saying, “This is where I stand. I can’t be married to someone who isn’t in recovery. This is what recovery looks like, so if you’re willing to go that way with me, then we can continue on. I understand you can’t disclose yet, but I give it back to you so you can own your part.”
Becky shares how:
Taking care of yourself and letting the addict learn to take care of himself is so empowering.
“That is where real healing comes,” Becky says. “The addict learns they can do this. It sucks and it hurts, but they learn that they can choose this.”
#3- Becky, Tiffany, and Autumn then finish out the podcast by sharing their favorite, non-traditional, out-of-the-box resources for healing from betrayal trauma.
Tiffany describes the eight week yoga therapy course she recently completed, and which she learned about from an earlier podcast interview with Sariah Hoffman. The sessions walk you through each of the different chakras, which are energy centers in our body where emotions can get stuck. It took something out of her and it was good. She loved it and realized that even though it was hard, it was a good kind of hard.
Another out-of-the-box resource for Tiffany has been hiking. “I did not expect the kind of strength and life that would come into me from hiking.” When she started her healing journey, she worked to get healing emotionally and mentally get her feet under her. More recently, she’s been working on healing her physical body.
Tiffany also shares that essential oils are a gift for healing for her. She shares that she feels they bring your senses together.
An out-of-the-box resource for Autumn has been Somatic Experiencing, which can be accessed through a certified therapist. It deals with your physical body and chakras and trapped emotions. It involves the acronym SCOPE, which stands for slow down, connect to your body, orient yourself, pendulate from the emotion that you’re feeling to your physical body, and then become engaged. She shares that “You carry your emotions in your physical body and they can hold you back. And your physical body can hold you back. I’ve healed my emotional and spiritual being, but there are physical things that have been held back because of emotion.”
Becky’s non-traditional healing resource is the Heart of a Woman Retreat. It helps her disconnect from the world for three days. “It centers around reconnecting with yourself and with the Lord.” There’s adventure as well as quiet time to talk about the hard stuff with the Lord.
Another powerful resource for Becky is The Chosen, a video series about the Savior. “Getting to know my Savior on a deeper level has been so healing for me…
Becky feels that:
One day, we will be surprised at how familiar the Savior’s face is and how familiar He is to us.
Thank you for all your questions and comments. We know by asking and answering them, many others will be helping in their healing journey.
Please continue to send in your anonymous questions through Facebook, Instagram, the website, or email them to Becky@riseuprestored.com
Song chosen by Tiffany:
“Even if” by Mercy Me
Specific Recovery Resources Shared Today:
Boundaries
Self-care
Yoga Therapy
Hiking
Essential Oils
Somatic Experiencing
“Heart of a Woman” Retreat
“The Chosen” video series
